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#338757 - 08/21/10 07:01 PM Like a ton of bricks
Mistahnuff Offline


Registered: 08/11/10
Posts: 27
Loc: Malden
I believe I am straight. I don't fantasize about men though, I will admit, I do find some men attractive from time to time(in the way that almost every guy on the planet knows that brad pitt is a good looking guy) but mostly I am attracted to women. What confuses me sometimes is when people use the word Gay to describe something it almost immediately stops the conversation for me. I get walled off by the word, it scares me. Even more so when there is a guy around that is actually gay I get very uncomfortable.

I don't know where this really stems from, If its from the molestation or that I feel like they are trying to "get to me" in a sense.

anyone?

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Healing is a matter of time. Time is a matter of the mind.

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#341700 - 10/08/10 08:21 AM Re: Like a ton of bricks [Re: Mistahnuff]
dude1984 Offline


Registered: 10/08/10
Posts: 1
this is my first time posting something on here, but i guess i need to air it out as i can relate to what you wrote. the word gay scares me. i don't have any desire to be intimate with guys or any thing like that, but i can say yeah that guy is good looking, but that's the extent of it. it's hard to talk to other people about it because i feel like they think i'm only making excuses or running from something. but man, i don't know if they ever been in our shoes being sexually abused by males,and family members at that for me. it makes shit confusing i already feel enough guilt, self-hate and shame, plus embarassment about the abuse, hearing the word gay in my head amplifies all those feelings tenfold in my head. i don't have any advice for you, but i want to let you know that you're not alone, i appreciate your honesty so i realize i'm not crazy or trying to hide anything, but i feel all confused and weird about that word, worrying, what if i am, why does this word scare me so much. with respect to anyone gay out there, no offense, but it reminds me of my abuse and i am terrified of reliving/re-experiencing my abuse and am scared of gayness and prison. thanks man good luck in making sense out of all this


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#341752 - 10/08/10 06:37 PM Re: Like a ton of bricks [Re: Mistahnuff]
westchesterguy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/13/09
Posts: 421
Loc: Westchester County NY
Originally Posted By: Mistahnuff
...I do find some men attractive from time to time...


i feel bad that this seems to be burdening you and many others it seems here and elsewhere... and it shouldn't, in my view. :-) don't listen to society. don't women whom you know notice if another woman is attractive or not? of course they do - and it SHOULD be okay for men to do the same.

just noticing a hot guy, is very different than thinking "wow, this guy is my dream boat and i'd like to spend my life with him!"

me thinks, very humbly, that in noticing an attractive man, that just maybe we see some of the same attractive qualities inside our own bodies. or maybe he triggers that thought for a first time. for survivors, i think that is an important and healthy attitude to have.

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Jeff

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#341773 - 10/08/10 10:26 PM Re: Like a ton of bricks [Re: westchesterguy]
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1961
I know the feeling. After I remembered at 19, the word "gay" or anything related to homosexuality would send me into a tailspin panic attack. I think it is just part of what can happen when one has been sexually abused by another male.

It have gotten a lot better with the issue, but looking back I see I spent *so* many years tripping out over this very thing. My only advice is to face it and challenge it. I used to freak out if I looked at a male and had any reaction at all. I tried to control all internal reactions. It was freaking crazy making. I guess I realize now (though I still have some issues) that it is not a big deal and really doesn't mean anything. How can one go through life and not have any reactions (including internal) at all? impossible unless you have become completely numb, which is not desirable.

I guess my suggestion again is to keep facing your fears and you can sort of become more desensitized to the the anxiety you have currently built up over the issue. It does get better in time.

Eric


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#345180 - 11/14/10 05:51 PM Re: Like a ton of bricks [Re: ericc]
Mistahnuff Offline


Registered: 08/11/10
Posts: 27
Loc: Malden
I really appreciate your responses guys. It's nice to know i'm not alone on this.

_________________________
Healing is a matter of time. Time is a matter of the mind.

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#345182 - 11/14/10 06:30 PM Re: Like a ton of bricks [Re: Mistahnuff]
InsideTheWall Offline


Registered: 01/10/09
Posts: 280
Originally Posted By: Mistahnuff
I really appreciate your responses guys. It's nice to know i'm not alone on this.


I think these are just triggers, and fairly common ones given our particular experiences. I tend to zone out for a couple of seconds when homosexuality comes up in conversation.


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#345221 - 11/14/10 11:15 PM Re: Like a ton of bricks [Re: InsideTheWall]
Mistahnuff Offline


Registered: 08/11/10
Posts: 27
Loc: Malden
That is exactly what happens to me. The conversation just stops. Lately, because i've recognized that I had been doing this, I try to make sure I don't do it. Almost forcing myself to say something. I'm not sure if it's helping or hurting though.

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Healing is a matter of time. Time is a matter of the mind.

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