Boy, you're facing one of the toughest realites of recovery, in my opinion.

I think a lot of survivors, myself included, specifically seek out people who aren't particularly warm or openly affectionate.
When warmth and hugs and nurturing make your skin crawl, we choose someone who doesn't offer those things. When we had this embedded notion caused by shame that we weren't worthy of better treatment, we choose someone who agrees with us, or at least treats us like she does.

Then we come to understand the way our past has influenced us. We figure out that we were making bad, victim's choices. And we start gradually to want what everyone wants in a relationship, support, nurturing, unconditional caring. BUT what do we do when our spouse isn't changing along with us. Of course she isn't. Why would she? It's our mess to unravel.

But eventually you get to this impasse. What's fair to everyone? What's sane? What's reasonable? I sure don't have easy answers on this. I will say I think you should take time in working this through. I think once we get a taste for being treated with affection, it can really open up this well inside of us that no one could ever fill at first. Sort of like stepping out the first day of spring, it feels so good you just want to swallow up the sun. But after a month, you're used to the warmth and your need isn't so intense. That's the time to assess.

At the same time, I wouldn't wait in limbo forever. Maybe give it a year with your wife trying to do what she can and then assess things. Perhaps you will find that with her making an effort and your needs grown a little less intense, you can meet in the middle and continue to build a relationship. Ultimately you have to consider your own needs in the equation. It's not reasonable to live without doing that. And if it means divorce, so be it. You're no role model to your children if you aren't showing them that you respect yourself. But it's also not something to rush into, in my opinion, until you know what your real needs are.

Take care.