Here's a post I made in another forum in response to Pete Corbitt's post about dental work and colonoscopies. I'm having huge difficulties making progress in these two departments (going to the dentist, and going and getting a colonoscopy). Below is my post. I'd appreciate any feedback any of you might have. Thanks!
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Thanks for sharing your story. It resonates with me. I've been avoiding the same two medical procedures ever since I came into recovery.
I used to go to the dentist prior to having my memories come back 16 years ago, but haven't been since. Likewise, I've had 3 colonoscopies scheduled over the last two years and dissociated each time the appointment time came up and missed the appointment.
I've started talking about this with my regular MD, and she's been helpful, but I obviously need to do some more work with this one. I need to find both a dentist and a doc for the colonoscopy that I can discuss my issues with. One of my fears, being multiple, is going under anesthesia and waking up someone else who wasn't around, not knowing where I am, etc. Another is reacting to the triggering of having things inserted into the body's orifices and having a PTSD episode that goes out of control--not a pretty picture.
Okay, so here's some sanity. How many times have I let my million forms of fear circumscribe my ability to act? It's a typical victim's stance. I've done so much to let go of victim responses, but when it comes to the body, it seems like this is the last place that needs still needs more reclaiming. I know, having walked countless times into emotions that I thought would kill me if I allowed myself to feel them, and that it just ain't so. I know I'll be happier on the other side (once I've gone to the dentist and had the colonoscopy)and less bound by fear. So, what's the issue here?!? I mean, I don't have challenges anymore showing up for abuse memories and feeling the feelings--it's not fun, but I'm not afraid?
Aha, I just had a flash (AND THIS MAY BE TRIGGERING FOR SOME FOLK, SO BE AWARE OF THIS IF YOU CONTINUE TO READ THIS PARAGRAPH--SKIP TO THE NEXT PARAGRAPH IF VIVID CHILDHOOD ABUSE MEMORIES ARE TOO MUCH FOR YOU TO HANDLE RIGHT NOW). When my grandfather prostituted me as a very young child, the man who was in charge of the group of pedophiles was a doctor. He injected kids with drugs, and I hated needles. Right now I can see him coming toward me with the needle. Yuck! I tried to pull away from the two other men who were holding me and was struck and yelled at for trying to pull away. One of the times I was prostituted, one of the kids didn't survive the injection, and died. I remember a girl who gave me advice, saying that I didn't have to worry too much because I was a newer kid, and they didn't hurt the new kids as much. This little girl of five or six had already been through this torture countless times, but on the day she told me not to worry, she died. Later in the session I was blamed and berated for her death. I was told it was my fault because I was bad for resisting what the perps told me to do. I was told it was because of me that she died, and that if I resisted again, someone else would die. This litany of verbal abuse,being told I was to blame, was shouted at me countless times as I was being raped orally and anally. Whew! It's difficult showing up for this memory and it's many emotions. I've shown up for it in the past many times, but never in relationship to the dental and intestinal procedure issues. So, I guess I need to do some more comforting and reassuring of the inner kids who went through this experience. And I guess I need to keep trying to show up for the feelings until the past's load can be dettached from the present (oh joy). But this is how we heal--by bringing light to the inner darkness and pain, until the pain can be let go of.
Well, I certainly wasn't expecting to go to that place when I began this post! Surprise! Ah, the world of survivorship. At least today, though, when I ask questions my parts trust me enough to show up with answers and offer insights into where we need to go collectively as a team to heal. That's something I'm very thankful for.
Well, Pete, thanks for your post. I needed to read it and reflect upon it. Good for you for finally walking into your fears in this department. May you enjoy that steak real soon! Keep your fingers crossed that I'll be able to get into action in the same department soon, too.
I'd love to hear more, too, from other guys who've had difficulties with these issues and how they conquered their fears.
Best to All!
Just for today I will treat myself with respect, compassion and acceptance.