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#344642 - 11/09/10 08:13 PM Re: Inappropriate pornography - confused and scared [Re: gt78]
InsideTheWall Offline


Registered: 01/10/09
Posts: 280
Originally Posted By: gt78
I honestly never thought anything like this until I found those pictures last week. Since then, I have been searching and searching, and I have yet to find a male survivor who has said he had a similar problem or looked at such pictures for similar reasons.
They're out there. This kind of thing is taboo even for us, so you won't see it spoken of openly. Not even on MS. A CSA/sex therapist could be very useful here.

Originally Posted By: gt78
That is what has me so scared; I would much prefer to have found something like gay pornography, which I can at least see that a lot of partners have dealt with. I really hate pornography in general, but I can at least understand why some people look at it; but this other stuff is really beyond my comprehension.
You're afraid he's a pedophile, aren't you? I still think the homosexual porn analogy holds up. I think its more about eroticizing the abuse than any legitimate sexual orientation. Could I hazard a guess that the "models" are about the same age as he was when it happened? Also, I wouldn't write off the sex/porn addiction angle so easily. You specifically described your sex life as being good, and I assume that means frequent among other things. If you still think he's a pedophile, we can discuss the warning signs of that or you can just Google them.



Edited by InsideTheWall (11/09/10 08:19 PM)

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#344643 - 11/09/10 08:19 PM Re: Inappropriate pornography - confused and scared [Re: Still]
gt78 Offline


Registered: 11/09/10
Posts: 6
Well, thankfully, I know he did not pay for anything because he does not have a credit card or bank card. I do not think the pictures I found would qualify as illegal, and the search he used to find them actually specified no nudity. However, they were definitely sexually provocative, and when I pressed him on it, he did admit that he had seen what I (well, and I think anyone) would classify as illegal before.

He did admit to me that he thinks he has a porn addiction; he said that prior to dating me, he couldn't remember a day in the past 20 years he hadn't looked at it in some form. Once I made it clear that I do not like it, he lessened his viewing greatly, but he also realized that he has a problem because he wasn't able to stop himself completely. He told me that he would be fine with it if I felt the need to change the password on my computer; I haven't done so yet because I guess it seemed controlling to me. But now I'm beginning to think that he is going down or has gone down a road where I have an obligation to step in.

I just want so badly to believe what he said. I love him so much, and I would not stop being friends with him, but I really don't think I can handle dating someone who may have to fight with himself about this type of urge. Am I being selfish?


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#344644 - 11/09/10 08:22 PM Re: Inappropriate pornography - confused and scared [Re: gt78]
gt78 Offline


Registered: 11/09/10
Posts: 6
InsidetheWall,

Your response came just after I made my last post, but yes, that is what I'm afraid of. I honestly know nothing about csa, having, thankfully, not experienced any such thing myself, but I did know enough not to stereotype him in such a way just because of what happened to him. It was when I saw the pictures he'd looked at that I freaked out.


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#344645 - 11/09/10 08:35 PM Re: Inappropriate pornography - confused and scared [Re: gt78]
InsideTheWall Offline


Registered: 01/10/09
Posts: 280
Originally Posted By: gt78
InsidetheWall,

Your response came just after I made my last post, but yes, that is what I'm afraid of.
I do hope you mean the sexual addiction part.

Originally Posted By: gt78
I honestly know nothing about csa, having, thankfully, not experienced any such thing myself,
There's no need to feel bad for not experiencing what he did. Being a sympathizer goes a very, very long way, if you're willing to carry the burden. But you need think think carefully about this.

Originally Posted By: gt78
but I did know enough not to stereotype him in such a way just because of what happened to him. It was when I saw the pictures he'd looked at that I freaked out.
Thats normal. Every woman that catches her guy looking at gay porn reacts the same way. You're not as different as you think. Having said that, you're entitled to change your password and it would be very wise to do so.



Edited by InsideTheWall (11/09/10 08:54 PM)

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#344649 - 11/09/10 09:52 PM Re: Inappropriate pornography - confused and scared [Re: InsideTheWall]
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5778
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
gt:
You are getting some good advice here. The fact of the matter is that a) people who look at child sexual abuse images (child porn) do not, in the vast majority of cases, do NOT have hands on offenses and the rates for recidivism over 10-15 yr periods bear that out.

b) He is looking at "legal" erotic or sexually explicit photos does not put him in the same category of illegal usage but it is probably indicative of some sort of problem that should be dealt with in therapy with someone familiar with those issues (pm me if you need a referral).

There are a lot of "reasons" people look at images they should not be looking at and that too, is a treatment issue.

As some here have advised, before you commit to a marriage, deal with these issues before you agree to marriage.



Edited by Ken Singer, LCSW (11/09/10 09:53 PM)

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#344694 - 11/10/10 09:14 AM Re: Inappropriate pornography - confused and scared [Re: Ken Singer, LCSW]
woftt Offline


Registered: 11/10/10
Posts: 3
Loc: Dallas Metroplex
The myth about victims becoming abusers is a double-edged sword. Not only do other people think that anyone who was abused is going to be an abuser. but I think that the victim often thinks, or even expects this of himself. Whether you stay with him or not is up to you, but he must be encouraged to get help and soon. If he is looking at child pornography (even the "legal" kind) then molesting a child is only a short step away. He has to be made to recognize this if not to protect him, then a child. He is not powerless but he can't do it alone, and as well meaning as your intentions may be I just don't think anyone who hasn't been through it themselves can truly empathize.



Edited by woftt (11/10/10 09:15 AM)

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#344700 - 11/10/10 09:58 AM Re: Inappropriate pornography - confused and scared [Re: woftt]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6380
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
If you believe TV shows like Law and Order SVU and popular culture in the USA, nearly every victim will offend.

If I may retort: I truly don't think that he's one short step away from offending if he's viewing whatever. I LOVE to watch "human challenge" shows and have not even considered bungee-jumping off a bridge.

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#344714 - 11/10/10 12:58 PM Re: Inappropriate pornography - confused and scared [Re: Still]
gt78 Offline


Registered: 11/09/10
Posts: 6
Thank you all so much for your very helpful replies. I do want to reiterate that I would never have thought he was capable of harming a child just because of his csa; it was really the images I saw that scared me.

I think what I'm getting from the majority of you is that while viewing such images is a serious problem that must be dealt with immediately, it does not necessarily mean that he would ever harm a child in real life. I have been doing a lot of research on child abusers lately, and, from what I've been able to understand, he does not have any other signs of a problem: he has lots of normal adult relationships, he is nice when a kid is around but shows no special interest in them, he doesn't have odd hobbies/habits, and our sex life is pretty vanilla. He is in the midst of a career change, and neither his old career nor his new one have anything to do with children. Plus, although I know he is very uncomfortable talking to me about this particular issue, he has been open about what happened to him otherwise, and is more than willing to see a therapist and even give up going on the internet until I feel that I can trust him not to look at such things again.

So maybe, with work on both of our parts, the relationship is salvageable?


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#344718 - 11/10/10 02:33 PM Re: Inappropriate pornography - confused and scared [Re: gt78]
InsideTheWall Offline


Registered: 01/10/09
Posts: 280
Originally Posted By: gt78
Thank you all so much for your very helpful replies. I do want to reiterate that I would never have thought he was capable of harming a child just because of his csa; it was really the images I saw that scared me.
Ok, we got it.

Originally Posted By: gt78
I think what I'm getting from the majority of you is that while viewing such images is a serious problem that must be dealt with immediately, it does not necessarily mean that he would ever harm a child in real life.
Correct.

Originally Posted By: gt78
I have been doing a lot of research on child abusers lately, and, from what I've been able to understand, he does not have any other signs of a problem: he has lots of normal adult relationships, he is nice when a kid is around but shows no special interest in them, he doesn't have odd hobbies/habits, and our sex life is pretty vanilla. He is in the midst of a career change, and neither his old career nor his new one have anything to do with children.
Doesn't sound like a pedophile to me. I can tell you've researched the signs. He does however, sound like he's addicted to porn. Here's an organization that might be able to help.

http://www.sexaa.org/

Originally Posted By: gt78
Plus, although I know he is very uncomfortable talking to me about this particular issue, he has been open about what happened to him otherwise, and is more than willing to see a therapist and even give up going on the internet until I feel that I can trust him not to look at such things again.
All good signs. You really should enforce the no Internet rule though, at least for now. I do take it that you're living with him, aren't you?

Originally Posted By: gt78
So maybe, with work on both of our parts, the relationship is salvageable?
I've seen much more serious CSA related problems work out. But you really better love this guy, because its going to be very difficult at times. If you don't have the courage, run now. If you're going to keep at it, I highly recommend cultivating some contacts around here. Just PM those you think you can most easily work with and ask questions.



Edited by InsideTheWall (11/10/10 02:54 PM)

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