Newest Members
RodrigoBR, MJ545, Marant, BeingFound, journey4two
12332 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
blueelectron9 (48), Grunty1967b (2014), highflight (42), jocks44 (54), kitm1 (47), Porrick (44)
Who's Online
1 registered (1 invisible), 17 Guests and 6 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12332 Members
74 Forums
63413 Topics
443354 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >
Topic Options
#344619 - 11/09/10 06:17 PM Inappropriate pornography - confused and scared
gt78 Offline


Registered: 11/09/10
Posts: 6
First, I just want to say that I just discovered this site a week ago, and I am so thankful that this resource exists.

Here's my problem: For the last 3.5 months, I have been dating an absolutely wonderful man who experienced some very severe sexual abuse throughout his childhood. He told me about the abuse on the first night I met him, and, perhaps naively, I honestly didn't think anything of it except to feel bad that it had happened and tremendous respect for what he was able to overcome.

With the exception of a few conversations since then when I could see that he was in more pain than he'd originally let on, I haven't thought much about it since then. However, the other night, I discovered that he had been viewing a lot of pornography on my computer. I found this upsetting enough, but when I started digging deeper, I discovered that he had searched for and viewed several sites that, while probably not technically illegal, were really skimming the line in terms of the ages of the models (late pre-teens) and the poses (very sexual, but clothed, though skimpily). I confronted him, and he admitted that he had looked at even worse before, though, thankfully, not on my computer.

He began to cry and insisted that he was not and never has looked at these images for sexual reasons. He said that he does search for such things now and then (it was a very small number of sites he'd looked at compared to the amount of "regular" pornography), but that the reason he does it is that sometimes he just gets obsessed with the fact that this is still going on, and he wants to relive his pain. He said he also sometimes tries to figure out if he could be an abuser and looks at the images to see if he can see what his abuser saw and why he did it.

I really, really want to believe him, but I have no idea if I'm deluding myself. He has agreed to go to thereapy (he is in his mid-30s and never has before)and is adament that he does not feel any sort of sexual attraction to girls so young, but I am just so confused. Is what he saying common or does he have a more serious problem than I can deal with? I do not have children, but I was planning to marry this guy, and we have talked about wanting kids; now I'm scared.


Top
#344624 - 11/09/10 06:46 PM Re: Inappropriate pornography - confused and scared [Re: gt78]
gt78 Offline


Registered: 11/09/10
Posts: 6
I just posted but thought maybe I should add a few more things for context. Thus far, my boyfriend and I have had a wonderful relationship (the best I've ever had, in fact, which is why we're already talking marriage). Some of our friends have children, and I have never seen him act in an even remotely inappropriate way around them. Additionally, our sex life is great, and I haven't noticed anything unusual in terms of his tastes/requests. Basically, I've seen no signs of anything odd in this direction, but now I can't get this fear out of my head.


Top
#344626 - 11/09/10 06:54 PM Re: Inappropriate pornography - confused and scared [Re: gt78]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6401
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
gt78,

Don't go throwing-out the wedding invitations yet. He did a great and powerful thing by disclosing to you right off the bat. IMO, that indicates a guy whom has really dealt with a lot of the damage the abuse caused. As many folks here will tell you, some survivors have "acting out" issues. The Docs here can explain it better than I, but I see it as an uncontrolable residual effect of the abuse.

Given that he's made this much progress and readily admits the truth to you about it all, you might consider requiring additional professional therapy before progressing any further.

_________________________
Wishing You Were Here!

The Aftermath Video

The Water Buffalo Song

Top
#344627 - 11/09/10 06:56 PM Re: Inappropriate pornography - confused and scared [Re: Still]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6401
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
I just noticed your remark about being around kids. I suggest you read the "Myths" section of this site or on my blog. Victims/surviores are rarely offenders. But I truly hope you read and believe all that we have to say about the myths.

_________________________
Wishing You Were Here!

The Aftermath Video

The Water Buffalo Song

Top
#344629 - 11/09/10 06:59 PM Re: Inappropriate pornography - confused and scared [Re: gt78]
InsideTheWall Offline


Registered: 01/10/09
Posts: 280
Originally Posted By: gt78
First, I just want to say that I just discovered this site a week ago, and I am so thankful that this resource exists.
The saying goes, we're sorry you have to be here, but glad you made it.

Originally Posted By: gt78
Here's my problem: For the last 3.5 months, I have been dating an absolutely wonderful man who experienced some very severe sexual abuse throughout his childhood. He told me about the abuse on the first night I met him, and, perhaps naively, I honestly didn't think anything of it except to feel bad that it had happened and tremendous respect for what he was able to overcome.
I wouldn't feel too bad about that. Most people have no idea how bad this kind of thing messes people up unless they experience it themselves or love someone who has.

Originally Posted By: gt78
With the exception of a few conversations since then when I could see that he was in more pain than he'd originally let on, I haven't thought much about it since then. However, the other night, I discovered that he had been viewing a lot of pornography on my computer.
Porn and other kinds of addictions are common with this sort of thing. To the best of your knowledge, does he do it obsessively?

Originally Posted By: gt78
I found this upsetting enough, but when I started digging deeper, I discovered that he had searched for and viewed several sites that, while probably not technically illegal, were really skimming the line in terms of the ages of the models (late pre-teens) and the poses (very sexual, but clothed, though skimpily). I confronted him, and he admitted that he had looked at even worse before, though, thankfully, not on my computer.
Thats definitely not good, but at least he seems to have kept it legal. Just having materials that cross the line tends to results in very long prison sentences.

Originally Posted By: gt78
He began to cry and insisted that he was not and never has looked at these images for sexual reasons.
I would be very skeptical about this.

Originally Posted By: gt78
He said that he does search for such things now and then (it was a very small number of sites he'd looked at compared to the amount of "regular" pornography),
If he admits its a small part of the "ponography" he looks at, he's obviously looking at it for sexual reasons.

Originally Posted By: gt78
but that the reason he does it is that sometimes he just gets obsessed with the fact that this is still going on, and he wants to relive his pain. He said he also sometimes tries to figure out if he could be an abuser and looks at the images to see if he can see what his abuser saw and why he did it.
Thats something he needs to discuss with a trained CSA therapist. I've heard of people using the research excuse before, but don't know how often its legitimate. In any case, the police won't care about his reasons if he has stuff that crosses the line.

Originally Posted By: gt78
I really, really want to believe him, but I have no idea if I'm deluding myself. He has agreed to go to thereapy (he is in his mid-30s and never has before)and is adament that he does not feel any sort of sexual attraction to girls so young, but I am just so confused.
Another common and similar scenario is that girlfriends/wives catch their men looking at gay pornography and wonder if they're with a homosexual. It doesn't usually turn out that way, so there's hope in this area.

Originally Posted By: gt78
Is what he saying common or does he have a more serious problem than I can deal with? I do not have children, but I was planning to marry this guy, and we have talked about wanting kids; now I'm scared.
You can't deal with it alone, but he can over time. Only you can decide if you want to stand by him while he does so, and know that he'll experience quite a few ups and downs along the way.


Top
#344630 - 11/09/10 07:09 PM Re: Inappropriate pornography - confused and scared [Re: InsideTheWall]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6401
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
BTW: I consider ALL pornography to be "Inappropriate." I see it as demeaning to the people photographed...but through time, I've discovered that "that's just me."

_________________________
Wishing You Were Here!

The Aftermath Video

The Water Buffalo Song

Top
#344632 - 11/09/10 07:16 PM Re: Inappropriate pornography - confused and scared [Re: Still]
InsideTheWall Offline


Registered: 01/10/09
Posts: 280
Originally Posted By: gt78
I just posted but thought maybe I should add a few more things for context. Thus far, my boyfriend and I have had a wonderful relationship (the best I've ever had, in fact, which is why we're already talking marriage). Some of our friends have children, and I have never seen him act in an even remotely inappropriate way around them. Additionally, our sex life is great, and I haven't noticed anything unusual in terms of his tastes/requests. Basically, I've seen no signs of anything odd in this direction, but now I can't get this fear out of my head.
He may be well adjusted in many ways, this isn't an automatic death sentence for the relationship. Just expect alot of difficulty along with the good.


Top
#344633 - 11/09/10 07:19 PM Re: Inappropriate pornography - confused and scared [Re: InsideTheWall]
EvanCan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/09/10
Posts: 170
I believe that InsideTheWall has given you very sound advice and observations.

I would simply add this: If you were my daughter, I would tell you that you should not be living with this man, and I would say that under no circumstances should you plan to marry him for a very long time. (You've only been dating for 3.5 months, and you're talking marriage?!?) He has a lot of healing to do first, IMHO.
You can "stand by your" man through his healing if you wish, but you must insist that he continue in therapy. And as for the sketchy pornography, if the FBI is not already "on" to him, then it's only a matter of time before he is indicted if the porn has "crossed the line."
Under no circumstances should you allow him on your computer. Install filters. Install accountability software. Porn is as addictive as crack. He's not going to shake it on his own, IMHO.
I know this sounds harsh, but ... if you were my daughter ...

_________________________
Hope Springs 2010 WoR Alumnus
"I'm here, and I'm on the mend."


Top
#344637 - 11/09/10 07:32 PM Re: Inappropriate pornography - confused and scared [Re: EvanCan]
gt78 Offline


Registered: 11/09/10
Posts: 6
Thank you all for your quick replies. I just don't know what any of this means.

Robbie, I hope I am not being caught up in "myths;" I have been reading about this issue non-stop for the past week, and, like I said, I honestly never thought anything like this until I found those pictures last week. Since then, I have been searching and searching, and I have yet to find a male survivor who has said he had a similar problem or looked at such pictures for similar reasons. That is what has me so scared; I would much prefer to have found something like gay pornography, which I can at least see that a lot of partners have dealt with. I really hate pornography in general, but I can at least understand why some people look at it; but this other stuff is really beyond my comprehension.


Top
#344638 - 11/09/10 07:43 PM Re: Inappropriate pornography - confused and scared [Re: gt78]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6401
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
gt,

I don't and can't imagine what sort of porn this is...but if the ages are actually sketchy and he's used a credit card...you can hear the FBI Crown Victorias on their way.

But truly, there have been plenty of folks here who have beaten the addiction. Snot a earth shattering problemo if he wants to stop it.

_________________________
Wishing You Were Here!

The Aftermath Video

The Water Buffalo Song

Top
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.