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#344320 - 11/06/10 11:24 AM Who's to Blame for CSA? Perp or Victim?
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
Since I'm just a friend of a survivor, don't think I'm supposed to post in the men's sections, so I'll post this here.

The survivors here, especially those recently beginning to grapple with abuse, think alot about how responsible they are for the abuse. I noticed one teenager who seems especially vulnerable to this thinking.

I've never been abused, had no clue about any of this until this great guy I know told me he had been abused as a very young child. He's definitely an evolved man, and has his head on right. He was told he liked it by his abuser. As I said to him, a five-year-old will believe anything.

Anyway, the abusers are at fault. I don't care what elaborate story or rationalization they come up with, or what grooming they did, or whatever. The abusers are at fault.

They want sexual gratification, or sadistic gratification, or emotional attention, or whatever. They decide to get it from the easiest source available - someone they don't have to attract, they can merely overpower.

Attracting someone is too much work, and too iffy for them. Overpowering someone weaker, physically, mentally, or in any other way, is the easiest way for them to get their kicks, so they do.

And as far as age: in these times, certain types want to undermine all traditions and ways of life, so sometimes it takes until you're in your 30s to learn what is right and what is wrong, and why. And some never learn. Being manipulated when you're confused can happen to alot of people.

Blame is on the abuser. Truly, there is no other option or answer.




Edited by Disappointed (12/16/10 07:45 PM)
Edit Reason: Remove possible triggers
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#344357 - 11/06/10 04:53 PM Re: Who's to Blame for CSA? Perp or Victim? [Re: Disappointed]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
The perp bears 100% of the blame in a child/adult sexual abuse situation every time regardless of what the child feels or what the adult who was victimized as a child feels. The abusers are practiced at passing the blame to the victim in more ways than can be listed and are inventing new ways with every victim but the fact remains that the responsibility is theirs and theirs alone.

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#344382 - 11/06/10 08:37 PM Re: Who's to Blame for CSA? Perp or Victim? [Re: WalkingSouth]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
Exactly. And that is why it kills me to see so many struggling here with that question: because there is NO question.

My friend figured it out a long time ago. He's very matter of fact about who was at fault, and why they did it. And he's well aware that he was a helpless pawn.

AND he's aware, that someone who should have noticed things weren't right, didn't.

Yep, he's definitely got his head on straight. Quite a set of accomplishments by him.

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#345506 - 11/17/10 02:06 AM Re: Who's to Blame for CSA? Perp or Victim? [Re: Disappointed]
Gamgee Offline


Registered: 10/24/10
Posts: 25
Loc: Canada
Sometimes when I try to explain to friends how I as a 3 y.o. child could have enjoyed and hated the sex abuse, I tell them, "If an adult gives a 3 y.o. child heroin, the child may enjoy the experience and even want more, that is biological. It is also harmful, dangerous, morally wrong and confusing for the child and will cause life-long problems for the child. As adults, we are supposed to protect children and help them to grow into happy, healthy adults. When we use children for our own gratification, that is wrong. It sounds like your friend has done some great rebuilding in his life.


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#345638 - 11/18/10 09:11 AM Re: Who's to Blame for CSA? Perp or Victim? [Re: Gamgee]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6376
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
Thank you for this post Dissapointed.

I was abused by a gang of older boys in the neighborhood. When I turned 10, it greatly became a one-on-one "relationship" with the alpha-male of the group and it lasted until I was 14 and he went off to University.

If you ask my wife (soon 2b ex) about this, she'll tell you that at 10 is where the "responsibility ball" landed on my side of the field. IOW: It was my fault after 10 years old.

Ain't that a peach?

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#345656 - 11/18/10 12:32 PM Re: Who's to Blame for CSA? Perp or Victim? [Re: Still]
Survivinguy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/09
Posts: 310
Loc: Colorado
There's no F*ING way a ten year old has any responsibility.

Good thing she's on her way to being your X if she is that insensitive and ignorant about CSA.

Sorry for being blunt but that's just bullsh*t.

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#345657 - 11/18/10 12:48 PM Re: Who's to Blame for CSA? Perp or Victim? [Re: Still]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
Dear Gamgee,

Yes, my friend has done some great rebuilding in his life. I admire him so much, I would like to be just like him! He's so fun!!

And yes, I have talked to a man who was abused at 3 or 4 years old (beaten with a coat hanger by his "loving" aunt), and he has the submissive sexual waves that come in, and the same hate/love thing about it. For one thing, aside from the biology, to have such strong sensations as your first memorable experience in life (I don't remember being 3 or 4!), it seems to practically burn the experience into the brain. Even for older children, this burning effect seems to happen.

And to dear Robbie:

My friend, after his first abuser quit, a couple of years later, someone else started abusing him. One thing is for sure: the first abuser made him think this was something not uncommon, which made it easier for the second person to abuse him. With the second, it was more of a game.

Sorry about your wife. Since she may have decided she isn't "in love" with you anymore, she may just not care enough to actually think about what your situation would have been like.

I'm embarassed to say, at age 14, my brother visited home while he was in the Army, with some buddy of his. And this buddy of his introduced me to the term "horny," and he kissed me. Thankfully, that's all that happened, but to this day, I remember how completely clueless I was. So, no, I don't call 10 anywhere near the cut-off. No way!!!!!!!!

Disappointed

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#345673 - 11/18/10 03:51 PM Re: Who's to Blame for CSA? Perp or Victim? [Re: Disappointed]
DeadEnd Offline


Registered: 10/22/10
Posts: 10
Robbie-
How exactly does your wife justify her thinking in this? That is just wrong on so many levels.


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#346122 - 11/24/10 04:48 AM Re: Who's to Blame for CSA? Perp or Victim? [Re: DeadEnd]
givemestrength Offline


Registered: 10/11/09
Posts: 26
To add to walking souths great answer the perp also bears 100% of the blame in adolescent/ adolescent abuse too.. in my (very strong) opinion...


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#348330 - 12/16/10 07:10 PM Re: Who's to Blame for CSA? Perp or Victim? [Re: Disappointed]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: Disappointed
...if your a divorced mom, and you can't afford a babysitter to watch the kids while you go out to meet new people, the kids might seem like just the emotional crutch you need


Disappointed,

What are you saying here? Are the kids a pawn/emotional crutch? What mom would use the kids as a crutch while meeting new people? This is like getting a cute dog to take to the dog park to meet new people. I ask out of curiousity.

D

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