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#344300 - 11/06/10 08:39 AM Today is the 25th anniversary
davidm Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 21
Today is the 25th anniversary of the first time I was sexually assaulted by my music instructor. I knew this would be a difficult day -- especially when I realized that, because of the months I was completely disabled by PTSD during the spring and summer, I wouldn't reach my goal of setting a solicitor on my former instructor by this date.

But fate has managed to make things even worse. My varying degrees of disability this past year have reduced my wife and me to destitution. As a result, I haven't been able to afford to see a therapist. And last night I took my last dose of the antidepressant that's restored at least some of my mental functioning -- and I haven't the money to refill the pre>

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#344308 - 11/06/10 09:19 AM Re: Today is the 25th anniversary [Re: davidm]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
David,

The anniversary of an assualt are hard to deal with and I do not know how they usually are for you. One difference I see is that you are here with us this year and I am very glad of that.

For my anniversaries some are worse than others. I usually take a long drive and allow myself to feel however I need to feel. I make a vow to avoid self-destructive behaviors. Then several years ago I followed a therapist's advice and attempted to take back that date. He suggested I do something for myself and try to form a positive memory for that date. Sometimes I have success in that and sometimes I do not. But I try to at least have a little "fun" for part of that day.

Mostly I decided however I spend it is okay as long as I keep myself safe.

I know an anniversary, especially one of 25 years, can evoke a lot of what-ifs and views of loss and destruction. You spoke of how rough things are for you right now. Last night in chat you impressed me with what you have done with your legal studies and the research you have gathered for your plan. You, in my opinion, have done a lot of work that would tax my mind and abilities.

I do not know how this day will turn out for you but however it does please stay safe and remember that this day will pass.

Talk to us about it and share your pain. We understand in our hearts, minds and souls what you speak of here. Hold your hand out, brother. Let us take hold of it.


Daryl

_________________________
Broad statements often miss their true mark.

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#344326 - 11/06/10 11:57 AM Re: Today is the 25th anniversary [Re: prisonerID]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
David,

I hear your pain. I understand your pain.

Your unique and special.

I am not sure what resources are in your area but I am confident you will be ok at the end of today when you lay your head down as you give yourself - your body the sleep and rest it will need.

As Daryl, said above we are here for you. We are reaching out our virtual hands to you.

chat later ok....

Donnie

_________________________
aka DJsport

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#344334 - 11/06/10 01:54 PM Re: Today is the 25th anniversary [Re: davidm]
CruxFidelis Offline


Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 486
Loc: NJ
You and your wife will be in my prayers today. Thank God you have her... it sounds like she care about you very much.

No matter what happens, you will have our support. You and your wife will have each other. I just went through my 1 year anniversary. it was so many different kinds of painful. my heart definitely goes out to you today. But I'm also hopeful that sometime soon, maybe not today but soon, this horrible guy who hurt you will be served the lawsuit of his life and everyone around him will know what kind of disgusting pervert he is. It is his turn to suffer the humiliation and the shame and I hope he rots for what he did.

I hope the hospital will give you the kind of medication you need, or that you'll be connected to services that will help you in some way. we are here for you.

- Peter

_________________________
“If a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark.”

- Saint John of the Cross

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#344350 - 11/06/10 03:38 PM Re: Today is the 25th anniversary [Re: CruxFidelis]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1626
Loc: Minnesota
Hi David

You are in my thoughts and prayers today-I like the idea of reclaiming the date to make it about your strength, your truth, your life. I am glad your wife is there for you-know that we are all there for you too. Make it a god day!' smile

_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

“It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#344352 - 11/06/10 04:16 PM Re: Today is the 25th anniversary [Re: Mountainous Buck]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2452
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, my fraternal brother, David.

I offer you my compassion, understanding & love. I know that it won't pay for your medicine nor help pay your bills.

But, my fraternal brother David, that offer, is the only thing that i possess.

You are in my thoughts & prayers.

Heal well, my brother David, heal well.

" I will take that lost boys hand, and i will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me.

Pete..Irishmoose.

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#344401 - 11/07/10 08:47 AM Re: Today is the 25th anniversary [Re: petercorbett]
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
david I wish you peace and comfort and hope somehow your
money situation gets better
and your emotional one too

MJ

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#344406 - 11/07/10 10:18 AM Re: Today is the 25th anniversary [Re: prisonerID]
davidm Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 21
Thank you, Daryl. I'm immensely grateful for the patience and support you gave me in the chat room on Friday night.

The strategy your therapist suggested of trying to invert the symbolism of the anniversary sounds good, though very hard to achieve.

As it was, I spent six hours yesterday in the emergency section of one hospital yesterday -- which got off to a bad start. They decided I might be suicidal, so they put me in an observation room and sent three security guards in to search me. They made me stand facing a wall, with my hands on the wall, while one of them ran his hands over me and fished inside my pants for any dangerous objects. Needless to say, violent flashbacks followed. I spent the next hour sobbing with a security guard seated nearby.

Eventually, I was transferred to another hospital's emergency ward, where I spent another five hours. However, the people there were far more knowledgeable and much nicer -- doubtless because that hospital, CAMH, specializes in matters like PTSD. They gave me a weeks's supply of medication, and are investigating long-term solutions, sending out enquiries to various possible resources.

These solutions are not likely to solve the financial chasm that's opened beneath my feet during the months I've been disabled, but perhaps it's a start.


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#344408 - 11/07/10 10:31 AM Re: Today is the 25th anniversary [Re: davidm]
davidm Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 21
Thank you, so very much, Peter, Donnie, MountainousBuck and Pete, for your kind and supportive words.

Thank you, as well, MJ -- and also for your patience with me in the chatroom on Friday.


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#344409 - 11/07/10 10:32 AM Re: Today is the 25th anniversary [Re: davidm]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
David,

My heart hurts so much for what you had to endure yesterday. Just because people have medical training does not mean they have people skills nor an understanding of emotional heath issues. I am so sorry for what you went through at the first hospital.

I am glad that the second one had staff that were more aware of your needs and reached out to you. I appreciate that they are attempting to find resources for you. If you do not hear back from them I would encourage you to make contact with them. I hope they gave you a particular person or department to communicate with to make it easier for you.

I am thanful, as hard as it was, that you made it through yesterday. I know that the days before and after can be rough as well. I hope you can get some rest today - you so deserve it.

Yes, it is difficult to follow what the therapist urged me to do. I found that my "all or nothing" personality came heavily into play. I finally gained some ground when I raalized that if I even had a few minutes of relief from the memories that was a victory and a good start. That is what I did some years ago. I forced myself to see a movie and though I did not enjoy all of it there were short spans of time that I actually was into the movie. That was my first time to mark a different memory. Since then I have done better and then fell back since some anniversaries were worse than others. But I have been able to carve a few good memories into that date.

I am not familiar with Canada's resources but hope there are some out there to help with your current financial issues.

So glad to hear from you today. I am proud of you.


Daryl

_________________________
Broad statements often miss their true mark.

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#344414 - 11/07/10 11:40 AM Re: Today is the 25th anniversary [Re: prisonerID]
davidm Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 21
Thank you, again, Daryl.

I have tried, in years past, drowning out anniversary memories by listening to particularly noteworthy and mentally engaging works of music. The result, so far, is that whenever I hear Bach's Mass in B Minor, I think of my former music instructor. Perhaps, using something other than music -- like going to a movie -- might be more effective.

I'll find out this coming week about whether there are any governmental financial resources on which to draw. But I'm not expecting much.

As for medical resources, downtown Toronto seems to have a major hospital complex every few blocks, and at least three are undergoing major expansions. The biggest problem pertaining to these resources is the old issue of widespread and continuing ignorance regarding male victims of sexual assault. It's as if we're invisible.


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#344418 - 11/07/10 02:25 PM Re: Today is the 25th anniversary [Re: davidm]
CruxFidelis Offline


Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 486
Loc: NJ
makes me mad that that piece of $@*^(#&& ruined bach's mass in b minor for you, what a worthless SOB...

maybe classical music isn't the way to forge a positive memory but I do like what daryl said about creating a positive experience for that day... it won't completely overshadow the pain & suffering that you've endured, however, it does serve to remind us that life is worth living and there is still a lot of beauty in the world. i know for me, I had my 1 year anniversary and instead of being in the hospital, my nurse took me for a walk and we saw the beginnings of the fall foliage and the weather was warm enough to go outside without a coat. I am still sick but I was happy not to be in the hospital, and I was happy that I was with someone who was not going to hurt me. last year i never got to see the autumn weather because I was too sick to leave the hospital. maybe is there a way for you to get out of the city and see some natural beauty? I'm sure toronto is a cool place but maybe you could go hiking or something? possibly take your wife along? being with nature can be very freeing.

I wish there was some other way for that 1st hospital to have treated you... what they did was inexcusable and wrong. I get so angry at the mental healthcare system for doing things like that. I'm glad the 2nd hospital was able to give you your medication and is connecting you with resources that might be able to help you. You shouldn't have to face this kind of trauma alone. You are still a man, you are a human being who is worthy of support and understanding. Please know that we are here to try & support & understand you on your journey towards wholeness and healing.

_________________________
“If a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark.”

- Saint John of the Cross

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#347896 - 12/12/10 10:11 AM Re: Today is the 25th anniversary [Re: davidm]
Geeders Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/03/08
Posts: 1901
Loc: Peterborough, Ontario, Canada
Hi David:

Was reading through your posts above, and saw that you mentioned CAMH, and the Big Smoke. If I can be of any assistance, please don't hesitate to ask. I grew up in Toronto. Yonge and Eg area.

Greetings from the Kawarthas where this morning we have been greeted with 5 inches of new snow. Ugh!

Cheers!

Jim

_________________________
My name is Jim
WoR Mysthaven 2008, Level 2 WoR Alta 2009, Kirkridge 2010, 2011, Oprah 200 men

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