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#344243 - 11/05/10 07:37 PM An Open Question to Femal Spouses
Still Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6376
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
Do wedding vows endure the news that your husband was a childhood sexual abuse victim?

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#344262 - 11/05/10 11:03 PM Re: An Open Question to Femal Spouses [Re: Still]
Still Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6376
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
Geez...did'nt realize it was that tough a question.

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#344266 - 11/05/10 11:16 PM Re: An Open Question to Femal Spouses [Re: Still]
hannah7 Offline


Registered: 02/18/10
Posts: 30
My vows to my husband have. We have both been through the ringer and have come out stronger because of it. In the beginning I didn't understand any of where his rage and anger and fear of abandonment was coming from. Once I did we were able to work on his issues and heal.

What are vows if you aren't going to keep and respect them. We made them before God and God alone has kept what looked like the least likely couple to succeed to become a living breathing miracle.

I don't know what you are experiencing, but I pray you get the support and help you deserve. No one should be left alone to deal with the pain and separation from self and others that sexual abuse generates. It doesn't matter when it happened, as a child or an adult. Everyone deserves to be loved and held and know that there is someone who will never leave or forsake them. God tells us that...but we also need a real live human being to live that out for us in real time.

I wish the best for every man and woman in the tough rut of finding their way through this awful maze of being abused and made to feel like you don't count, that you have no worth, because you do!

_________________________
And again and again Jesus said: It is I, I that you love, I that you enjoy, I that you serve. It is I that you long for, I that you desire, I that you mean. It is I that am enough for you. (Julian of Norwich)

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#344267 - 11/05/10 11:18 PM Re: An Open Question to Femal Spouses [Re: Still]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
For me, if my spouse revealed that he was a CSA victim, it would not change my opinion of him. There is no reason for me to judge him for something he had no control over. It may cause difficulties, yes, but I cannot imagine breaking my vows simply because he was a victim, or even because there were difficulties (unless we had tried to work through them and not succeeded perhaps).


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#344270 - 11/05/10 11:36 PM Re: An Open Question to Femal Spouses [Re: hopeandtry]
Still Offline
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Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6376
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
Thank you ladies. Wife dropped her rifle and ran three months after learning about the CSA. She'll see these posts.

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#344277 - 11/06/10 12:31 AM Re: An Open Question to Femal Spouses [Re: Still]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
I have gotten mad in the past but not BECAUSE of the CSA. I can't imagine running because of that by itself. Perhaps there are other issues that were just triggered by the disclosure? I don't know, but I'm just wondering.


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#344278 - 11/06/10 12:50 AM Re: An Open Question to Femal Spouses [Re: hopeandtry]
pandora Offline


Registered: 09/26/09
Posts: 15
Yes, I can positively say wedding vows will endure the revelation of childhood sexual abuse. It made actions and behaviors make more sense. It gave me a sense of relief knowing there was a cause behind these actions and behaviors. It only made me love and respect my husband more, knowing he had been robbed of his childhood by the person who should have protected and loved him the most.

Therapy for you the survivor, is highly suggested and there are many layers that could possibly take years to uncover. Do not be discouraged. There will be one step forward - two steps backwards and it gets scary at times. One's own fears and guilt plays a big part, but it's part of a healthy recovery. Feelings must be recovered and embraced, they've been suppressed for so long. The abuse is yours and yours alone only to "own", but knowledge is so powerful for both parties involved.

I can't be your "mother, savior, or protector" (like I'd like to be) but I can offer you a safe place to be comfortable. Know you have someone who will listen when you want to "vent". I don't have the same experience as you, but empathy is on high alert (easily) It helps me to know what mood my husband is feeling. Be it anxiety or feeling down, or whatever, just a key word makes it easier (again knowledge) and I can react accordingly. That doesn't mean me being a verbal punching bag either. Boundaries must be set, learned and practiced. I don't need details, only if you want to share and perhaps you never want to share the details. That's just fine. Knowing about the abuse made everything "fall into place" behavior wise and it was a relief for me to know it "wasn't me or us" to blame.

Our marriage went through a lot of fall-out from experiences buried too deep within my husband and my husband didn't even realize why he was so self-destructive. It was twenty-three years before my husband even realized it and two years later, with one year of therapy behind us, it's getting better. There are still slippery slopes, but therapy and MS are great tools at our disposal. For me the wife, I'm not sworn to secrecy and if I could I would shout it from the roof-tops how prevalent this pattern is repeated in generations. I have been in a spousal therapy group. It helped me greatly knowing I wasn't alone.

Your spouse should seek her own spousal support group. MS is very educational. I have sat and read for hours on this site to get a better understanding what you are feeling and how I can apply it to my relationship. MS has helped me greatly, even without participating in the forums themselves.

Your wife needs to put herself first and this is not being selfish on her part. In the beginning I was reeling so badly, it didn't help either of us. I think I aggravated the situation being so tunnel visioned. Looking back I think I was just making the situation worse. Now it's yours to own and only you can seek the help, but the support is there 200%.

Women seem to be able to talk their troubles to each other which helps me greatly. Unfortunately, I have many girlfriends who have been abused and can relate, so I have a support system many spouses don't have. You must work at regaining your "power and control" you lost thru your abuse. We don't expect perfection, mistakes will be made, but try and learn thru your mistakes. If you're like my husband, beating yourself up constantly, recognize that your spouse wants to show you that there is safe, healthy love. But to reach it, you're going to need to be honest and open.

We married you because we love you and the tables could just have been easily turned the other way. A lot of actions survivors act out with are a way of taking control over a situation where they never had a chance to be in control. Realizing what causes this is just the beginning of healing.

Take one hour, one day at a time, and although it is a part of your tapestry, it does not define the real you because you are a true survivor. There are more people out there in your corner than you'll ever know.

So in answer to your question, YES your marriage vows can survive.


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#344287 - 11/06/10 06:07 AM Re: An Open Question to Femal Spouses [Re: pandora]
Still Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
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Well...the reality is that she shreaded the vows freely without ANY regard to the pain and damage she did to our two small children. She had me rush-attacked by sheriffs while I was in the shower in order to be served with papers and then given 15 minutes to gather what I would need to live...15 minutes from the house we built and lived in for 17 years. I had tazzers pointed at me while I was getting dressed.

The papers told me "though she has NO past events to prove her fears (NONE), she wanted 1) me out and 2)for her to take my children away to MN (1500 miles away) 3) for me to see my kids one-hour a month in a supervision center. Again, let me state, "I've had nothing worse than a traffic ticket my entire life!" She was freely traumatizing my children because her little life was not comfortable enought and posed some temporary challenges while I went through healing from CSA (age 7-14). The complaint was NOTHING but speculation of what a CSA survivor MIGHT BE CAPABLE OF...and that scared her.

I managed to get an eventual education after coming out of the trauma fog in my teens and early 20s, develop a career and get my MBA (where I met her)at a major university. My consistent six-figure income, our second home in the White Mountains and money in the bank was not a sufficient base of security for her.

I've now spent $100,000 in legal and psych bills to prove I'm no danger. She used the myths (which people DO default to believe) to shread me in court and within our small affluent town.

My children are EVERYTHING to me. I did everything possible with them. Woods hikes, built a grand treehouse, took them on ample trips and showed them tons of reciprocated love. She CLEARLY was not concerned about my kids, as she traveled and took cruises freely, leaving me alone with the kids RIGHT UP to the point where the sheriffs hurled me like a frizbee.

She bamboozled the judge at first, but now the tables should turn. I've secured another $100,000 to finish this thing off and win. I will possibly have to declare bankruptcy, but who cares, so long as my kids and I are re-joined full-time.

But dang! People can be no-holds-barred evil and leverage CSA news against the victim.

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#344290 - 11/06/10 06:25 AM Re: An Open Question to Femal Spouses [Re: hopeandtry]
hopefuture Offline


Registered: 10/31/10
Posts: 18
When I found out about my husbands csa I thought so much about his pain and couldn't bear to know he has endured this for so long alone. I was sworn to secrecy and had a very hard time feeling isolated. After I thought about it and our lives, I started feeling things I did not expect-anger, betrayal, sadness, pain, loss of a lot of things in our marriage that like you said didn't make sense until I found out. I am still confused about my own feelings and the only person I have to talk to is my therapist. She has been a God send. I love my husband so much but I can't pull him out. I can only stand on the sidelines and support him which is hard.


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#344314 - 11/06/10 11:12 AM Re: An Open Question to Femal Spouses [Re: hopefuture]
Still Offline
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Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6376
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
Yer a good person Hope. He's a fortunate guy. I hope he realizes that.

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#344315 - 11/06/10 11:17 AM Re: An Open Question to Femal Spouses [Re: Still]
sono Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/09
Posts: 1069
Rob,

I have to say again how unbelievably sorry I am for your re-victimization at the hands of your ex-wife. I wish you all possible success in these proceedings!

Kevin

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#344332 - 11/06/10 01:45 PM Re: An Open Question to Femal Spouses [Re: sono]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
I am so sorry this happened to you, Rob. She is clearly in the wrong and sounds like she has serious issues herself.


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#344336 - 11/06/10 01:56 PM Re: An Open Question to Femal Spouses [Re: hopeandtry]
Still Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6376
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
I'm sorry if any of this appears to be "venting." Some is probably both venting and a need to understand why I'm sitting in my hovel while my life and spousal support remain vaporized...why accross town my children an she are celebrating my boy's 12th birthday without me...why I dont see the kids again until wednesday after school.

Even though I got to throw him a party here at my place, its not the same as my old life. Nothing is. I have to realize that even if I were there, her support is just not going to happen...no matter what. I need to just shield myself from the rounds of cruelty that get fired my way when things don't go her way.

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#344339 - 11/06/10 02:00 PM Re: An Open Question to Femal Spouses [Re: Still]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
I still can't fathom how you were forced out of your own house by the police. If she didn't want to be with you, it was her responsibility to leave (unless you were abusing her, which you weren't). How is that even remotely legal????


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#344340 - 11/06/10 02:12 PM Re: An Open Question to Female Spouses [Re: hopeandtry]
Still Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6376
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
There is no "law" in Family Court of most states. There are no rules of Civil Procedure...no adherence to case law...etc. Itís the judge and a guardian just doing what seems best at the time.

She and her lawyer originally wrote a 90+ paragraph complaint that truly was 100% speculation and supposition surrounding the historic myths associated with the victimology. So it costs my children an intact home...it cost me $100K++....it gets me alienated by society.

I think the Bible calls it "Baring False Witness."

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#344341 - 11/06/10 02:24 PM Re: An Open Question to Female Spouses [Re: Still]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
I hope you find an awesome lawyer. This is just so wrong. How can our legal system allow this to happen with no evidence? What century are we living in?


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#344342 - 11/06/10 02:29 PM Re: An Open Question to Female Spouses [Re: Still]
onlyakid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1552
Loc: New Jersey
Rob,
You are a great father and she can't take that away from you. I know you aren't able to be with your kids like you want to but never the less they are very lucky to have a dad like you. It may cost you $200K+ but it is worth every cent if thats what needs to be done to reunite with your kids.

Jason

_________________________
"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love is...you just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"


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#344361 - 11/06/10 05:09 PM Re: An Open Question to Femal Spouses [Re: sono]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5942
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Rob,
The pain I hear in your words are not the pain of recovery, but the pain of a well adjusted, present and clear man determined to protect his family.

There is no sorrow for you, or pain for your past.

You are simply amazing in your determination to secure your life, your children and make all sacrifices to ensure the quality of life for your family.

You have been through a sickeningly traumatic event, and you have brilliantly maneuvered events for your children, and for your rightful place, them at your side.

"The kingdom of the heavens is like a treasure hidden in the field, which a man found and hid; and for the joy he has he goes and sells what things he has and buys that field."

You have found the "treasure", in your "kingdom" of your children building your stake around and for them, and you have sold "what things you have" and secured it.

Thank you for sharing this,

Sam

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#344372 - 11/06/10 07:15 PM Re: An Open Question to Femal Spouses [Re: SamV]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6376
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
Thank you Kevin, Sam and Jason. What kept me going as a child were many petitionary prayers to end things; many things in many sorts of ways. What drove me to the next day was a baseless, blind hope that with enough tomorrows under my feet there would be a path free of pain and shame. I learned to drop fear by the wayside long, long ago, but I never learned to drop the drive for justice and defense.

In the nights when danger was to lurk endlessly, I learned to endure the full night of standing motionless, demanding that my body and floor make no reminding sounds of my presence. I often wondered how horses locked their legs so as to sleep standing-up.

Now I just wonder if I have enough days remaining to see and experience my children's days of rightful happiness. But let me be ever so fucking be clear...they ARE being denied their happy days as children due to simple minds seeking evil's self-centered jollies. God, please let damnation be true!

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#344373 - 11/06/10 07:38 PM Re: An Open Question to Femal Spouses [Re: Still]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Robbie,

I hope what I say will be helpful. I have a lot of mixed emotions myself regarding my kids and I's relationship.

I am years older than you and my kids are 24 and 25 now. I left my marriage 20 years ago.

I gave up too soon due to self-esteem issues and not wanting my anger to the get the best of me. By 1992, my ex-wife remarried and her 2nd husband and my ex-wife filed for him to adopt my kids. By this time I lived 1,000 miles away. I was threatened with being arrested if I did NOT sign the papers. My kids want nothing to do with me. They do know the abandonment of me leaving but they have no idea how or why I left. They are kids or were kids.

I say this so you know your not alone. I also say this so you know our situations are somewhat different.

I understand your pain of today as a dad who wants contact with your kids and they deserve a dad like you.

It is horrible that SHE and please remember that is HER that is setting your kids for a lifetime of abandonment. It is HER. NOT you - nor is this your fault.

Take care of yourself,
Donnie

BTW - I am DJsport. I did post you sometime ago. Just wanted to let you know in case you recognized the similarities.

_________________________
aka DJsport

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#344375 - 11/06/10 07:47 PM Re: An Open Question to Femal Spouses [Re: Avery46]
Still Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6376
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
Thank you Avery. Trust me when I say "the truth shall be known...no matter what."

I'm saving ALL the wacked-out divorce papers that show her to be the devil incarnate...the instrument that ruined two childhoods. The truth shall be known...and it may be much sooner than anyone expects.

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#344377 - 11/06/10 08:00 PM Re: An Open Question to Femal Spouses [Re: Still]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Robbie,

I hope the best for you and your kids. For my kids, their mother destroyed their childhood with me in it. I did NOT get to know them or experience them beyond 1992.

Some women will say what is wrong with you. Men are always pointed at for being the perps or being abusive. NOT true AND in fact in my case my ex-wife still after 20 years later is controlling them. She texted me 4 weeks ago saying your "dead to the kids".

Anyway, I offer my story so you know your not alone.

Again, I wish you and your kids well.

Donnie

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#344378 - 11/06/10 08:05 PM Re: An Open Question to Femal Spouses [Re: Avery46]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6376
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
Originally Posted By: Avery46
She texted me 4 weeks ago saying your "dead to the kids"


Oh )*(&^@*&^@*&@*&^&#$$W#&#))(**&^%%^Q$%^%*&)_))_(&#$!#

I can't say what I want to say...but you might guess.

There's a special place in hell for THAT thing.

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#344396 - 11/07/10 05:41 AM Re: An Open Question to Femal Spouses [Re: Still]
hopefuture Offline


Registered: 10/31/10
Posts: 18
Thank you so much! Sometimes I don't feel so good. I really appreciate it! God Bless you!


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#344397 - 11/07/10 05:49 AM Re: An Open Question to Femal Spouses [Re: Still]
hopefuture Offline


Registered: 10/31/10
Posts: 18
I am so sorry this happened to you. It sounds like you wouldn't heal with her around anyway but your children are so important! I am so proud you have gone such links to fight for them. This also shows how much self esteem you have been able to recover! God Bless you and I will pray that you get them back and that justice will prevail. Keep hanging in there!


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#344559 - 11/09/10 08:58 AM Re: An Open Question to Femal Spouses [Re: hopefuture]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6376
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
Though these posts have been greatly about spousal support triggered by the Oprah show part 1, I will not be watching this Friday's show. I believe it would bring tons of pain, disappointment and frustration for no good use (in my cause).

Degrees of support or attack are functions owned by the individual spouse. I realized after a therapy session that I was not "entitled" to a certain reaction. Did I deserve a better reaction and support? I think so. Her reaction is her reaction...pure and simple. She's not compelled to react one way or another. Is it disappointing to me? Surely is...and painful too.

Talking this through here and with my therapist I've come to realize the reality of reactions. I need to seek new paths to my own support and progress.
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#344570 - 11/09/10 09:43 AM Re: An Open Question to Femal Spouses [Re: Still]
InsideTheWall Offline


Registered: 01/10/09
Posts: 279
What a stupid bitch. Ruin her utterly if at all possible.


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#344576 - 11/09/10 10:46 AM Re: An Open Question to Femal Spouses [Re: InsideTheWall]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6376
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
Well....again, I'm not "entitled" to any behavior from her. She could have done fine without the painful and dramatic tactics like the Sheriffs'-Rush, stealing my CSA Healing journal and distributing it to her lawyer, lawyer's staff, judge, .... I'm sure everyone who has anything to do with the district court has read my inner-most thoughts and memories regarding the rapes of a 7yo to a 14yo.

Being accused of being an unfit/uber-dangerous father and being required to have about an hour with the kids WITH a supervisor...that stuff hurt like hell too....and being forced to see yet one more psychologist to prove my sanity and safety...that hurt like hell. And then there's the financial ruin...that sets my life back into the stone-age a bit.

That stuff IS water under the bridge. I have to let it go at some point. I have enough ice-pick holes in my heart already.

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#344719 - 11/10/10 02:38 PM Re: An Open Question to Femal Spouses [Re: Still]
Susava Offline


Registered: 07/17/10
Posts: 11
Loc: Mississippi, USA
Robbie,

I am so sorry that your wife could not see the good in supporting you.
My husband and I have been married for 21 years, almost 22 ;-) now, In the beginning there was a lot of acting out but I LOVE him and I PROMISED in my vows, to make it work. When the discovery came out almost a year ago it did NOT make me question my vows.
I empathize with your situation, no matter what happened between you and your wife it is wrong for her to keep your kids away from you, seems to me she needed an excuse.
I am sorry.

_________________________
Susava

"Believe in someone, trust yourself."

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#345050 - 11/13/10 07:25 AM Re: An Open Question to Femal Spouses [Re: Susava]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6376
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
Thank you Susava,

That's so wonderful of you...very hard for me to read...very much so. However, at least I know I'm not as crazy or dillusional or as selfish as she and her attorney (and one Christian marriage counselor) make me out to be.

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