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#344243 - 11/05/10 07:37 PM An Open Question to Femal Spouses
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6574
Loc: Never Sugar Mountain
Do wedding vows endure the news that your husband was a childhood sexual abuse victim?

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#344262 - 11/05/10 11:03 PM Re: An Open Question to Femal Spouses [Re: Still]
Still Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6574
Loc: Never Sugar Mountain
Geez...did'nt realize it was that tough a question.

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#344266 - 11/05/10 11:16 PM Re: An Open Question to Femal Spouses [Re: Still]
hannah7 Offline


Registered: 02/18/10
Posts: 30
My vows to my husband have. We have both been through the ringer and have come out stronger because of it. In the beginning I didn't understand any of where his rage and anger and fear of abandonment was coming from. Once I did we were able to work on his issues and heal.

What are vows if you aren't going to keep and respect them. We made them before God and God alone has kept what looked like the least likely couple to succeed to become a living breathing miracle.

I don't know what you are experiencing, but I pray you get the support and help you deserve. No one should be left alone to deal with the pain and separation from self and others that sexual abuse generates. It doesn't matter when it happened, as a child or an adult. Everyone deserves to be loved and held and know that there is someone who will never leave or forsake them. God tells us that...but we also need a real live human being to live that out for us in real time.

I wish the best for every man and woman in the tough rut of finding their way through this awful maze of being abused and made to feel like you don't count, that you have no worth, because you do!

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And again and again Jesus said: It is I, I that you love, I that you enjoy, I that you serve. It is I that you long for, I that you desire, I that you mean. It is I that am enough for you. (Julian of Norwich)

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#344267 - 11/05/10 11:18 PM Re: An Open Question to Femal Spouses [Re: Still]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
For me, if my spouse revealed that he was a CSA victim, it would not change my opinion of him. There is no reason for me to judge him for something he had no control over. It may cause difficulties, yes, but I cannot imagine breaking my vows simply because he was a victim, or even because there were difficulties (unless we had tried to work through them and not succeeded perhaps).


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#344270 - 11/05/10 11:36 PM Re: An Open Question to Femal Spouses [Re: hopeandtry]
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Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6574
Loc: Never Sugar Mountain
Thank you ladies. Wife dropped her rifle and ran three months after learning about the CSA. She'll see these posts.

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#344277 - 11/06/10 12:31 AM Re: An Open Question to Femal Spouses [Re: Still]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
I have gotten mad in the past but not BECAUSE of the CSA. I can't imagine running because of that by itself. Perhaps there are other issues that were just triggered by the disclosure? I don't know, but I'm just wondering.


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#344278 - 11/06/10 12:50 AM Re: An Open Question to Femal Spouses [Re: hopeandtry]
pandora Offline


Registered: 09/26/09
Posts: 15
Yes, I can positively say wedding vows will endure the revelation of childhood sexual abuse. It made actions and behaviors make more sense. It gave me a sense of relief knowing there was a cause behind these actions and behaviors. It only made me love and respect my husband more, knowing he had been robbed of his childhood by the person who should have protected and loved him the most.

Therapy for you the survivor, is highly suggested and there are many layers that could possibly take years to uncover. Do not be discouraged. There will be one step forward - two steps backwards and it gets scary at times. One's own fears and guilt plays a big part, but it's part of a healthy recovery. Feelings must be recovered and embraced, they've been suppressed for so long. The abuse is yours and yours alone only to "own", but knowledge is so powerful for both parties involved.

I can't be your "mother, savior, or protector" (like I'd like to be) but I can offer you a safe place to be comfortable. Know you have someone who will listen when you want to "vent". I don't have the same experience as you, but empathy is on high alert (easily) It helps me to know what mood my husband is feeling. Be it anxiety or feeling down, or whatever, just a key word makes it easier (again knowledge) and I can react accordingly. That doesn't mean me being a verbal punching bag either. Boundaries must be set, learned and practiced. I don't need details, only if you want to share and perhaps you never want to share the details. That's just fine. Knowing about the abuse made everything "fall into place" behavior wise and it was a relief for me to know it "wasn't me or us" to blame.

Our marriage went through a lot of fall-out from experiences buried too deep within my husband and my husband didn't even realize why he was so self-destructive. It was twenty-three years before my husband even realized it and two years later, with one year of therapy behind us, it's getting better. There are still slippery slopes, but therapy and MS are great tools at our disposal. For me the wife, I'm not sworn to secrecy and if I could I would shout it from the roof-tops how prevalent this pattern is repeated in generations. I have been in a spousal therapy group. It helped me greatly knowing I wasn't alone.

Your spouse should seek her own spousal support group. MS is very educational. I have sat and read for hours on this site to get a better understanding what you are feeling and how I can apply it to my relationship. MS has helped me greatly, even without participating in the forums themselves.

Your wife needs to put herself first and this is not being selfish on her part. In the beginning I was reeling so badly, it didn't help either of us. I think I aggravated the situation being so tunnel visioned. Looking back I think I was just making the situation worse. Now it's yours to own and only you can seek the help, but the support is there 200%.

Women seem to be able to talk their troubles to each other which helps me greatly. Unfortunately, I have many girlfriends who have been abused and can relate, so I have a support system many spouses don't have. You must work at regaining your "power and control" you lost thru your abuse. We don't expect perfection, mistakes will be made, but try and learn thru your mistakes. If you're like my husband, beating yourself up constantly, recognize that your spouse wants to show you that there is safe, healthy love. But to reach it, you're going to need to be honest and open.

We married you because we love you and the tables could just have been easily turned the other way. A lot of actions survivors act out with are a way of taking control over a situation where they never had a chance to be in control. Realizing what causes this is just the beginning of healing.

Take one hour, one day at a time, and although it is a part of your tapestry, it does not define the real you because you are a true survivor. There are more people out there in your corner than you'll ever know.

So in answer to your question, YES your marriage vows can survive.


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#344287 - 11/06/10 06:07 AM Re: An Open Question to Femal Spouses [Re: pandora]
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6574
Loc: Never Sugar Mountain
Well...the reality is that she shreaded the vows freely without ANY regard to the pain and damage she did to our two small children. She had me rush-attacked by sheriffs while I was in the shower in order to be served with papers and then given 15 minutes to gather what I would need to live...15 minutes from the house we built and lived in for 17 years. I had tazzers pointed at me while I was getting dressed.

The papers told me "though she has NO past events to prove her fears (NONE), she wanted 1) me out and 2)for her to take my children away to MN (1500 miles away) 3) for me to see my kids one-hour a month in a supervision center. Again, let me state, "I've had nothing worse than a traffic ticket my entire life!" She was freely traumatizing my children because her little life was not comfortable enought and posed some temporary challenges while I went through healing from CSA (age 7-14). The complaint was NOTHING but speculation of what a CSA survivor MIGHT BE CAPABLE OF...and that scared her.

I managed to get an eventual education after coming out of the trauma fog in my teens and early 20s, develop a career and get my MBA (where I met her)at a major university. My consistent six-figure income, our second home in the White Mountains and money in the bank was not a sufficient base of security for her.

I've now spent $100,000 in legal and psych bills to prove I'm no danger. She used the myths (which people DO default to believe) to shread me in court and within our small affluent town.

My children are EVERYTHING to me. I did everything possible with them. Woods hikes, built a grand treehouse, took them on ample trips and showed them tons of reciprocated love. She CLEARLY was not concerned about my kids, as she traveled and took cruises freely, leaving me alone with the kids RIGHT UP to the point where the sheriffs hurled me like a frizbee.

She bamboozled the judge at first, but now the tables should turn. I've secured another $100,000 to finish this thing off and win. I will possibly have to declare bankruptcy, but who cares, so long as my kids and I are re-joined full-time.

But dang! People can be no-holds-barred evil and leverage CSA news against the victim.

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#344290 - 11/06/10 06:25 AM Re: An Open Question to Femal Spouses [Re: hopeandtry]
hopefuture Offline


Registered: 10/31/10
Posts: 18
When I found out about my husbands csa I thought so much about his pain and couldn't bear to know he has endured this for so long alone. I was sworn to secrecy and had a very hard time feeling isolated. After I thought about it and our lives, I started feeling things I did not expect-anger, betrayal, sadness, pain, loss of a lot of things in our marriage that like you said didn't make sense until I found out. I am still confused about my own feelings and the only person I have to talk to is my therapist. She has been a God send. I love my husband so much but I can't pull him out. I can only stand on the sidelines and support him which is hard.


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#344314 - 11/06/10 11:12 AM Re: An Open Question to Femal Spouses [Re: hopefuture]
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Registered: 02/16/07
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Loc: Never Sugar Mountain
Yer a good person Hope. He's a fortunate guy. I hope he realizes that.

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