Hello,

I am an infrequent visitor here but briefly, I was sexually molested from age 3 or so to age 11 which left me confused sexually. As a teen I thought it was the norm to have had this experience (as it happened so young) and to desire men. Anyways, once I realized it wasn't I discovered that I was also attracted to women. Since then I cultivated my attraction to women and have only had relationships with women though harbored attraction to men. I got married to a wonderful woman a year ago. However due to work she has been away for a few months and my obsession about whether I am actually gay and living a lie has resurfaced. This has happened before from time to time and I have kept it from overwhelming me. However this time, I feel like I have to get to the bottom of this as I can't go through life living a "lie". I know that this type of thinking is not really fair as what I have had with my gfs/wife was not a lie, also it is strange how this feeling has overpowered me so suddenly...I recently watched some gay-themed movies (not porn) that may have tipped me over. I only have fantasies about men though can't imagine acting like that in real life as it seems so out of sorts for who I am...Anyways, I don't know if I should/need to get into a relationship with a man to figure this out. I do not want to hurt my wife who I love very much and who has known about this from the very beginning but I don't know if it would be fair not to figure this out before our lives become more intertwined. Would love to have your insight before I do something stupid!

Hi, my fraternal brother, Cres.

Well, my "mom' was the first one to sexually, emotionally, physically & mentally abuse me. The sexual part started at 5 yrs old. he other stuff, right after i came out of that hole between her legs.

I never had a father, but when my main perpetrator Ralph came into my life at 8 years old. i had adopted him as the parent(s) that i never had. He gave me pleasure, i liked it, etc. I was his for about 6 years. I was sexually abused by some strangers, who worked for the Boston subway system. I went willingly, i knew what they wanted me for.

I was mostly in a male dominated world as a boy, i never had any attraction nor anything to do with girls/females.
I, was in an orphanage/Home for 4 years, 10-14 years old. All Religious brothers, plus about 50 other boys like me. 100% male.

I was in the Civil Air Patrol, for 3 years, all boys & men, i was between 14-16 years old.

I went into the Air Force at 17 again 99.00% males.

i have never received those vital skills of emotions & social, as that young boy.

I was attracted to males both sexually & non sexually. I had a homosexual affair at 18 years old & in the Air Force.

I was attracted to a boy (non sexually) while stationed in Germany. He was a boy similar to what i was. Minus the sexual abuse. He and i did things together. He was 11 years old.His mother had picked up on me, as i was the only person that ever paid much attention to him. Well before long she and the boy came to live with me. well his mom was giving me plenty of sex. I got her pregnant & did what i was supposed to do. We had a son together. And we got married.

I was married for 36 years when all those sexual abuse memories came out. She went to 2 therapy sessions with me in Germany. I got an ear full as she told the therapist, Peter had no affection towards me. When i almost died from cancer did Pete ever come and console me? NO. When i was in pain did he ever come over and help console me? NO, He hardly ever came over to me and give me a hug or kiss, Guilty. He hardly ever told me he loved me. Guilty.

But doctor when it came to his boys 2 sons, he always gave them hugs & kisses. He always told them that he loved them.
When they hurt he did too, when they cried he did too. And his grandsons 10 & 11, well they were inseparable
So, doctor, he was a lousy husband, but a great father & grandfather.

When i had terrable emotional and mood swings when all this came to the surface, she told me that we can't keep living like this. I agreed.She had blurted out to me "So you want to leave me and go marry a man. A funny feeling went over me, as i never had given her any reason to ever say that.
But, in hindsight, just maybe she had seen something in me than i never did."
And on the 3 of March of '09, i just walked out the apartment door, no good bye, no hug, no kiss and no tears. No emotions none-zero.
I will be the first to admit that she gave me 100% of her self. I gave her none-zero. I was never meant to have been married in the first place.

I have had a few homosexual affairs since that date. And as i told my therapists that she never gave me those sexual emotional & sexual pleasures as had Ralph & those strangers.
So, when i am into an affair, my emotions & my sexuality are as one with me as there is where it all comes together.

I don't know if any of this is of any help. But follow where your emotions, sexuality, mind & body come together. As for me there is where i belong.

Wish you well in your struggle.

Heal well, my brother, heal well.

Pete..Irishmoose.

Hey cres-don't know how active you are sexually outside your marriage-but taking a three-month break from all sexual activity-including porn, fantasy, and m**ing while I took stock of my life honestly and deeply -including all my past sexual behaviors-helped me to discover my natural sexuality free from guilt and shame and triggers. It has also helped me to do work to be intimate with my innermost self - I no longer need affirmation and approval at the insatiable levels I used to-yet my sex life is mire fulfilling than ever. Everyone deserves a healthy fun intimate sexuality-keep moving forward.