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#344139 - 11/04/10 05:48 PM who did I think I was
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Our belief in who we are shapes us as human beings. This is a proven fact. I have "looked" at many areas in my life as positive healthy beliefs except for the CSA and SA.

As I process the "memories", I am seeing a huge "error" in my thinking.

******triggers

During the CSA as a child AND the SA as an adult I stopped thinking rationally or healthfully. I was told "I was special so what was being done to me was to be kept a secret". There was several statements made to me that were similiar in there chaos - "I am doing this so you know I love you", "Doesn't this show you how much I love you and your dad does NOT love you", and "this will make us be one forever". These statements have many errors in them. First it was spoken by an adult to a child. A child does NOT have the cognitive or reasoning abilities that a child has. An adult saying this to a child does NOT have the ability to understand the horribleness of their actions on the child. Even from an adult to another adult, these statments are made in error. There is an imbalance of power in the sexual abuse. IT is about power not sex or the intimacy that comes from being sexual with another.

I did NOT feel special so being told I was special made my mind "split" from my body in two ways - not only did my mind leave my body in order to survive the pain but my mind had to make sense of the statement. What I would do with the statement as I my mind returned to my body was "crave" the intensity of the moment in order to feel special. Today or more yesterdays, I would create this intensity because I was not feeling special. This event of being sexually abused caused my body to have a "high" so to speak.

I learned to hate the statements "your special", "your loved", and "your fun". I learned or felt being close to another would hurt like hell. I felt being with someone for even just a moment would cause me to leave my body especially of they touched me.

I truly believed my dad did not care. This was an error in thinking and YES my own thinking. I believed only my perps loved me. I believed the only way to be loved was being abused sexually - my body believed this. Having fun was being sexual and to be sexual meant great pain and the absense of any rationality. The worst part of what I experienced was the silence.

Who did I think I was - "Special". I am "special" with all of the joys that LIFE has to offer. I am "special" because my dad did love me. I am "special" for being me.

NO questions, no conditions, no deeds need to be done to be special.

I can be me - the kind, loving, giving, merciful, and fun man I was created to be.

Donnie

_________________________
aka DJsport

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#344142 - 11/04/10 05:52 PM Re: who did I think I was [Re: Avery46]
nltsaved Offline


Registered: 08/26/08
Posts: 838
Loc: Kc,Mo
this sounds like progress man . it is a revelation of sorts funny how we start breaking the thought patterns in our recovery . the wrong way we were taught to think . we really do have to think about what we are thinking about in order to correct our thought patterns sounds like you are on your way to figuring this part out . good job

_________________________
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n-uYCAfpxrY
TRIGGER WARNING
Video of me telling my story
you are not alone never were
WRITTEN FORM
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=339159#Post339159
Why i hate Religion but love Jesus
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1IAhDGYlpqY

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#344145 - 11/04/10 06:22 PM Re: who did I think I was [Re: nltsaved]
Barkabus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/09/08
Posts: 809
Well said Donnie. And so the process is to unlearn those errant messages.

The CSA/SA effects I hate most is my inability to love and be loved in a healthy relationship. I just can't do that. I want to and maybe I will be able to...someday.

Mike

_________________________
My Story

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#344151 - 11/04/10 07:02 PM Re: who did I think I was [Re: Avery46]
Neverquit Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/26/10
Posts: 147
Loc: Ohio
"I learned to hate the statements "your special", "your loved", and "your fun". I learned or felt being close to another would hurt like hell. I felt being with someone for even just a moment would cause me to leave my body especially of they touched me."

I relate to this 110% I want to love so badly but my body and emotions fight it like death. How are you doing with these issues today? I want so badly to conquer these lies and just love.

The rest of what you said is very interesting to me. I feel it resonate with me at a very deep level but I have not uncovered that layer of myself yet.

"I truly believed my dad did not care. This was an error in thinking and YES my own thinking. I believed only my perps loved me. I believed the only way to be loved was being abused sexually - my body believed this. Having fun was being sexual and to be sexual meant great pain and the absense of any rationality"

You struck another huge cord with me here. I believe my mom loves me.. even though she sexual abused me and I am actively trying to sync the rest of me into congruence with my logical mind. I do not believe my dad loves me. He is very unhealthy in terms of denail, needyness, and codependancy, but maybe he loves me the best way he knows how. I am going to bring that statement to the therapist.

"I believed the only way to be loved was being abused sexually - my body believed this."

Maybe getting past this is blocking a relationship with my dad... or maybe not.

Thank you so much for your insight Donnie. I am happy you decided to share this part of yourself because it has helped me.

~Grant

_________________________
There is always hope

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