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#344052 - 11/03/10 09:48 PM Not Allowed to Feel Hurt
Barkabus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/09/08
Posts: 809
In a T appt. today I learned something significant about myself. Iím not allowed to feel wronged, betrayed, hurt or victimized. Sure, I feel all those things but only in the context that they were deservedÖmy lot if you will. I honestly cannot view those who have hurt me in a negative light or with a sense that they are responsible for the harm they did to me. I am focused on what others want or expect from me even if I donít want any part of it. One specific abuse situation reveals this. I was 10 or 11 years old. I was in the living room of my first perpís house. He had me watch a porn video with him. I donít remember the details but I think he pressured me into mutually masturbating each other afterwards. I lived across the street and could clearly see my dad working in the front yard. I didnít want to be there but I was conditioned to yield to what others want from me, except I was in an impossible situation. I was filled with shame because I could see my dad and my mind was filled with the thoughts of how much trouble Iíd be in if he found out what I was doing. At the exact same time my perp wanted one thing from me while I could see my dad who would definitely not want this to happen. What I wanted (didnít want) was immaterial. I gave in to my perpís wishes because he was in a greater position of influence and control at that time. But I felt responsible because I knew my dad would not approve.

My point is, I donít know how to hold my perps responsible for what they did to me. Therefore I donít feel anger for them and I donít have a sense of being wronged by them. I did vent some anger toward my second perp in a couple posts some time back. While it was helpful, there was also a sense that it was contrived too. I was forcing out anger that may have not really been there.

Iím confused by this new revelation. I think it goes deeper than feeling shame and responsibility for what happened to me. It ties in with another thread I wrote about freezing in certain sexually inappropriate situations as an adult, being unable to stop it or say no. Iím not sure how to process this. My T asked me who told me as a kid that Iím not allowed to feel hurt. I donít know where that came from.

Mike

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#344054 - 11/03/10 11:08 PM Re: Not Allowed to Feel Hurt [Re: Barkabus]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
(((((Mike))))) safe hugs my dear friend.

You are an inspiration to me. We have talked with each other quite a bit in the 2 years we have known each other.

I would say you are allowed to feel all of your feelings.

I too struggle "seeing" little me in the midst of my perps behavior and seeing my dad so close and yet so far. I have seen my dad be very angry and so know if he knew what was happening to me he would have been angry and protected me. I know your dad would have too. I know it is hard to see yourself behind the wall of safety and trust. AS you process this memory - put yourself on the safe side of the wall.

Your a good man, Mike.

Donnie

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aka DJsport

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#344063 - 11/04/10 02:19 AM Re: Not Allowed to Feel Hurt [Re: Avery46]
Bewlayb1 Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 243
Loc: NYC
Hi, Mike. Reading your post, I wondered if I was the same way. Definitely, I understand what you felt as a child. My gym/swimming teacher usually abused me in the locker room, and I also blamed myself instead of him. Though the abuse took place over two years, I remember only fragments. A classmate asked me why I didn't go into the pool with the other kids. I clammed up. I felt as if I was doing something wrong. I was afraid of being caught.

I hate my abuser now...kind of. Sometimes, I have fantasies of finding him and hurting him. But I push these thoughts aside. I tell myself there will always be pedophiles. He was one of millions. It wasn't even his fault, it's the world's fault, for creating him, and other monsters like him, but blaming the world is pointless. I don't hold him responsible for his actions. Ironically, nonsensically, I hold the eight-year-old child I was more responsible for my pain

You've made me question if I should feel indignant, if the reason I don't is because I still blame myself.

On the other hand, by saying he was just a sick abberation, and not a real person, who could be held accountable for what he did, it's easier for me to function. It's draining to hate someone. It frustrates you. It fills your mind with negative thoughts. It distracts you from other things. Even now, if someone wrongs me, my temper flares, then quickly subsides. I've had a number of confrontations with people, but I have no enemies.

Each one of your abusers deserves to rot in hell. But maybe, for your own survival, you can't fixate on that. Maybe it's easier for you to just accept that you were dealt a bad hand rather than deal with your outrage. My point is, don't be hard on yourself for not feeling the anger that you should be feeling. You have a right to feel it, and you have a right not to, if it helps you to move on. We're hard enough on ourselves as it is.

Clearly, we're not to blame for the abuse. Observe any child, and you'll see how truly naive they are. We had no idea what was happening to us. The more I remind myself of that, the closer I am to accepting it.

Thanks for your post. It gave me a lot to think about. I wish you well in your recovery.


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#344111 - 11/04/10 01:19 PM Re: Not Allowed to Feel Hurt [Re: Bewlayb1]
Barkabus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/09/08
Posts: 809
Donnie, thanks for the encouragement. I have enjoyed are talks too over the last couple of years. It made me happy when I saw that you were back. Iím trying to visualize what the safe side of the wall looks like.

Bewlayb1, thank you also. You raise some good points.

I donít desire to feel anger or rage against my perps except only as a stage of grief processing with a goal of developing a healthy self image. It has taken me a long time to recognize that my lack of anger/resentment/rage, etc. reveals a deep core issue about my self-perception. I see the effects of this self-perception issue in my everyday life by not being able to voice descent or say no as often as I need to. The decisions I make regarding what others ask of me are skewed to their wishes without regard to my desires way too often.

I donít think I feel guilt anymore for what my perps did to me however, I still do have a lot of guilt over things I did as a result of the abuse. I am very slowly trying to work through that.

Beyond knowing that what my perps did to me was wrong and they are responsible for the evil they did to meÖmost importantly, I need to know and feel this in my heart. I donít know how to make that happen. I donít know what precipitated the line of subconscious thinking that I am not allowed to acknowledge my victimization. I just donít know.

Mike

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