Like many here I have struggled with being perfect. It is an affliction I have suffered with and endured for many years now. I had to be the perfect person in all relationships - family, friendship and dating. I have always set very high standards for myself and yet set few for others. What I expected from myself was very dogmatic while I gave others all the breaks in the world. All someone had to do was begin a statement with "I am sorry..." and I could let anything go by the wayside. If I messed up I was tortured for it - by me of course.
My work life has been an odd course. I cannot fathom how I have a career since I have walked away from it so many times. One of the places I push myself the most is at work. I expect more from me than I do my own staff. Last week I was in charge of the center. I had a lot on my plate to deal with and one crisis after another. I was in the middle of something when a manager came for me to sign off on a financial request. I knew I should have asked more qustions and dug into what the request was all about. But I was swamped and dealing with so many issues. I learned yesterday that it had not been approved in advance as I was led to believe. We had to have a meeting over it but fortunately the bill went from $3,000 to a little over $500. I told my director that I should have contacted him or dug into the details more. He was not upset with me over this but there was a time I would have been depressed the rest of the day or longer for making a mistake like that. I would have been down on myself and felt the need to make up for it somehow. But not this time.
I acknowledged my error to him and that was it. He is not down on me nor am I either. I screwed up!!! And the world is still revolving. The birds are still singing. The rain will come again. It is still cold in Canada. Lady GaGa will still wear crazy outfits. There will be a new season of Big Brother.
I have been so guilty of putting too much weight into my words and actions - like I control whether the world will implode or not.
I am just a human. I think I will scrape the big red "S" off my chest now.
Broad statements often miss their true mark.