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#344072 - 11/04/10 06:10 AM Never say boo
blaidd Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/01/00
Posts: 240
Loc: Australia
I never say inappropriate things. I am always the compliant little boy. The boy who was well and truly silenced. I became mute.

I am scared for tomorrow, that for the first time in my life I am going to completely lose it in front of my family.

Heaven help me if my abusers turn up. Heaven help them if they put a foot wrong or come anywhere near me.

How does one remain dignified in the face of adversity.

I hear the gods laughing loudly as they continue to throw lightning bolts at me from above.


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#344074 - 11/04/10 06:36 AM Re: Never say boo [Re: blaidd]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
blaidd,

First, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my father a little over seven years ago and I still miss him terribly. Your mother was very fortunate to have such a loving person for her son.I am sure you were one of the comforts she had in her life.

I truly understand about being the perfect one, especially when others around you could care less about doing the right thing. Let today be about you and you love for you mother. Concentrate only on what has to be. Choose to cast the rest aside. This is your day to grieve and acknowledge and you can do it however is right for you.

I did not have to avoid perps at my dad's service but instead family members who had hurt my dad and my mom. I set them aside and would not deal with them. I hope you can have supportive people surrounding you. You do not have to follow customs in regards to anyone else. If something appears rude then let it to others. You need to take care of yourself today and if others cannot understand that then they are not there for the right reason. I would not acknowledge some at my dad's service and if others did not get it I can live with that.

Please know you are in my thoughts today. I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling.


Daryl

_________________________
Broad statements often miss their true mark.

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#344109 - 11/04/10 01:17 PM Re: Never say boo [Re: prisonerID]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Hi, Blaidd.

Your in my thoughts. I am sending you several big virtual hugs. I am very sorry for your loss.

It is ok to lose it especially at YOUR mom's funeral. Others will almost expect you to lose it. This is your mom - the one who carried you, clothed you, fed you, and nurtured you. She is the one most significant person ever in your life. So losing it at her passing is very appropriate.

My dad died in July. I had not talked to him in 20 yrs for reasons I will not go into hear but I will say that there are members in my family who were not ok with me being there even though this was MY dad. I LOST IT.

Hope you can stay with YOUR feelings for your mom and the change that is happening. For today only focus on YOU.

We will be here,
Avery

_________________________
aka DJsport

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#344136 - 11/04/10 04:58 PM Re: Never say boo [Re: Avery46]
blaidd Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/01/00
Posts: 240
Loc: Australia
I feel sick to my stomach this morning, sick as in stressed. If it wasn't for the unpredictable nature of my abusers and the fact that they both have threatened to k*ll me in the past, I probably wouldn't be such a nervous wreck. I guess the honest truth is that I still have a lot of unresolved fear mulling around in my head. The flip slip to this is of course anger.

Daryl what you said about casting the rest aside and not acknowledging some at your dad's service may be the means by which I can deal with this situation. My T said a similar thing to me actually and described it as blocking. Reading what you wrote has helped me understand what she meant, because at the time I didn't get it.

Avery I take heart and courage from what you went through, as hard as it must have been for you at the time. Gosh that must have been a tough time. Your take on losing it is really interesting. I suppose I fear losing self control more than anything.

I thank you both for offering me your kind support, validation and shared experience of losing loved ones. I appreciate your thoughts and what you have reflected back to me. It means so much to me given how difficult things are right now.

Good news is that I am taking two friends for support. They both know the score and said they will have my back, especially in relation to my abusers.

_________________________
Blaidd (pronounced as blaith/blithe) is a welsh word meaning wolf.

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#344150 - 11/04/10 06:58 PM Re: Never say boo [Re: blaidd]
EvanCan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/09/10
Posts: 170
I have every confidence in the world that you will come through this trial with courage and dignity. Your wisdom and clear-headedness on all of your MS posts prove to me that you will not be easily broken or undone by anyone.

I am sending to you all of my positive energy, thoughts, prayers, support, that I can muster.

((((((Blaidd/Stuart)))))))

_________________________
Hope Springs 2010 WoR Alumnus
"I'm here, and I'm on the mend."


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#344187 - 11/05/10 07:55 AM Re: Never say boo [Re: EvanCan]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
Blaidd,

I wanted to check on you and see how you are doing.


Daryl

_________________________
Broad statements often miss their true mark.

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#344193 - 11/05/10 09:09 AM Re: Never say boo [Re: prisonerID]
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
Blaid hope u r doing well

hugs as u go thru all of this

hugs and love MJ

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#344194 - 11/05/10 09:30 AM Re: Never say boo [Re: michael Joseph]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
(((((Blaidd))))

safe hugs. How are you doing?

Donnie

_________________________
aka DJsport

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#344195 - 11/05/10 09:37 AM Re: Never say boo [Re: Avery46]
Silly Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/21/10
Posts: 140
Loc: Virginia
Stuart - You're in my thoughts buddy. We'll talk soon.

Shane

_________________________
http://esdgc.com/links/shaneCSA.html

http://seriouslysilly67.blogspot.com/

The Round Table, Men's Sexual Abuse Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#344214 - 11/05/10 12:40 PM Re: Never say boo [Re: Silly]
blaidd Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/01/00
Posts: 240
Loc: Australia
Thanks for your support guys. I'm okay

The funeral went well and even though I felt overwhelmed seeing family that I am estranged from, it was a good send off for my mum.

The main thing is that my main abuser (CSA) did not show up and that was my biggest fear. My family don't know about the CSA. The lesser abuser (non-CSA) twat was on his best behaviour and I handled him in a dignified manner.

What completely shocked me was the validation I received from a couple of family members and numerous very close friends of my mother.

Throughout the day I had people come up to me and without prompting from me, just out of the blue, they validated my feelings of pain and hurt about being the family outcast. They brought up the issue, not me. They offered me comfort and support and simply wanted to make sure I was okay. They expressed their sorrow for what I have endured and that my mum always loved me.

In fact my aunt virtually apologised to me and said she didn't want me being left out anymore.

It caught me so off guard that I am still trying to process this. The cynic in me says why now and not before?

_________________________
Blaidd (pronounced as blaith/blithe) is a welsh word meaning wolf.

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