Hi, Mike. Reading your post, I wondered if I was the same way. Definitely, I understand what you felt as a child. My gym/swimming teacher usually abused me in the locker room, and I also blamed myself instead of him. Though the abuse took place over two years, I remember only fragments. A classmate asked me why I didn't go into the pool with the other kids. I clammed up. I felt as if I was doing something wrong. I was afraid of being caught.
I hate my abuser now...kind of. Sometimes, I have fantasies of finding him and hurting him. But I push these thoughts aside. I tell myself there will always be pedophiles. He was one of millions. It wasn't even his fault, it's the world's fault, for creating him, and other monsters like him, but blaming the world is pointless. I don't hold him responsible for his actions. Ironically, nonsensically, I hold the eight-year-old child I was more responsible for my pain
You've made me question if I should feel indignant, if the reason I don't is because I still blame myself.
On the other hand, by saying he was just a sick abberation, and not a real person, who could be held accountable for what he did, it's easier for me to function. It's draining to hate someone. It frustrates you. It fills your mind with negative thoughts. It distracts you from other things. Even now, if someone wrongs me, my temper flares, then quickly subsides. I've had a number of confrontations with people, but I have no enemies.
Each one of your abusers deserves to rot in hell. But maybe, for your own survival, you can't fixate on that. Maybe it's easier for you to just accept that you were dealt a bad hand rather than deal with your outrage. My point is, don't be hard on yourself for not feeling the anger that you should be feeling. You have a right to feel it, and you have a right not to, if it helps you to move on. We're hard enough on ourselves as it is.
Clearly, we're not to blame for the abuse. Observe any child, and you'll see how truly naive they are. We had no idea what was happening to us. The more I remind myself of that, the closer I am to accepting it.
Thanks for your post. It gave me a lot to think about. I wish you well in your recovery.