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#34397 - 04/01/05 12:14 AM Finding out about a molester and moving on
Moving on Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/31/05
Posts: 5
Loc: Maryland
Hey, after 24 years I finally went after the guy who sexually assaulted me in high school. He was a Navy officer, a flight surgeon no less on the aircraft carrier Nimitz. Somehow, though, he'd died a few weeks before I officially pressed charges with police. Really, it bothered me for a time, to wait so long, to finally get the nerve, then to fail. What I want to know, though, is whether this guy was ever caught. How do I do that? I've checked state registeries, but there must be some other way to see that this guy paid some kind of price for what he did, because he surely did it to others. Heck, the guy was a flight surgeon on a US Navy ship. He put himself into a situation where he was surrounded by young men. I simply want to haunt his ghost and find out whether he ever paid. Lastly, I'm a small celebrity, and I often talk around the country, especially to teens. How do I ever go about discussing this? How do I ever find groups to discuss it to? I don't know. After I was such a whimp for such a long time, I feel like I have to be louder. I've gone from absolute mortification to a need to prevent men like this from making inroads anywhere. A lot of questions, I realize, but I really need to know these things... Thanks


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#34398 - 04/01/05 03:18 AM Re: Finding out about a molester and moving on
healing_inside Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/28/05
Posts: 2005
Welcome "Moving On". It took a lot of courage to hunt him down and find out what you did.

Please don't be hard on yourself for not being able to do it sooner. You knew inside of you when it was the right time for you.

Brother, be as loud as you can and do what you have to do to get the message out. I know it will bring healing to you. I have sopke out loud for a cause I live with (non sexual abuse cause) and each time I tell people about me, the sting of the pain lessons and I heal a little more.

Healing_Inside

_________________________
I can't come to the phone right now, I am out living my life

*** WoR Retreat Alumni - Alta 2005 ***

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#34399 - 04/01/05 03:43 AM Re: Finding out about a molester and moving on
Bobby Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/01/04
Posts: 1287
Loc: Arizona
Moving On, As we all know, male SA is one of the last "secrets" that people don't want to talk about. It makes them uncomfortable. If they don't talk about it, they don't have to really acknowledge that it exists. As long as we have any shame at all about it, we are part of the problem and not the solution. It wasn't our fault. I'm teaching a class on it at my church in May. My minister was SA as a child and is backing the project 100%. If you are a celebrity, people will want to hear you and will listen to what you have to say. Tell anyone who will listen. There are so many wounded souls out there who are afraid to even try to find help. If we are to have any chance of changing the unacceptable status quo, we can't remain silent.

_________________________
I'm healing now, and I wasn't sure I would.




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#34400 - 04/01/05 05:19 PM Re: Finding out about a molester and moving on
Moving on Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/31/05
Posts: 5
Loc: Maryland
What I find strange is the fact that shame kept me from talking for so many years. I was so embarassed that I couldn't say a word for fear of people thinking I was gay. Gay! Who cares? How weak is that? I mean half of the people in the arts are. Now I'm married with two children, and for so long I have never felt like those events defined me. In fact, I often felt like maybe I consented somehow, meaning I kind of hated myself more than him for a long, long time. I literally did. But I see my kids now and worry that they couldn't survive holding such things inside for so long, and I want them to know that there is no shame and nothing a person like that can do to me or his mother. In other words, I'd want them to talk immediately. Lastly, it's still so hard to explain myself. When I told my wife I was going after him, she replied, "Do you really want to torture an old man?" I thought about that and came to the conclusion that I did, that if he was alive he needed to account for things. Now that he's dead, I somehow need to know that he did. I want to blacken his ghost, to shout his name. Anyway, it's all very strange. It's all very disturbing. What's worse or better, I don't know, is to find out my response was so typical. These guys know how we and our kids react to their aggression. It's not right.


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#34401 - 04/01/05 05:50 PM Re: Finding out about a molester and moving on
bkeithb Offline
Member

Registered: 03/23/05
Posts: 63
Loc: Milwaukee
Moving on - good for you!

I am just beginning this journey of recovery from SA. I was abused by a teen when a child and then again by a teacher when a teen. I'm more forgiving of the teen ... but am haunted because I never spoke out against the teacher. He, too, is likely dead now as it happened well over 20 years ago (and was about 60 then). But I feel guilt for not having spoken out. I know for a fact he abused one other before me. I can only believe he abused others after me. If I had it all to do over again, I would've spoken out.

With your celebrity, you have an opportunity to share things and be heard. Please, speak out - for all of us.

_________________________
bkeithb

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#34402 - 04/01/05 10:09 PM Re: Finding out about a molester and moving on
RICK57 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/31/03
Posts: 1611
Loc: ENGLAND
'Do you really want to torture an old man'?

My perp was 32 when he abused me - I was 12.

He is now 67 & I am 47 - I made my complaint to the police last November. I am taking him to court.

Am I torturing him? No I am removing the opportunity for him to torture anyone else - if he suffers now, so what!!!

Here's to a future where kids do not suffer, where kids are not abused. If old men get their come-uppance...good!

Best wishes ...Rik

_________________________
*Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
*I was seeking a way of expressing my anger - I found hope!
*There are many battles before the war is won! It can be won!

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#34403 - 04/01/05 10:33 PM Re: Finding out about a molester and moving on
Curtis St. John Offline
Past President
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/20/04
Posts: 1796
Loc: Westchester, N.Y.
Moving,

That’s a tough one, I know how important it can be to confront the ones that hurt us.

I’m learning to let go of my attachments to things, especially things that are impossible to obtain… such as confronting a ghost. When I am successful, my heart is lighter and I find I have more energy to spend on more positive endeavors.

Like you, when I found my voice, I was (and am) reluctant to stop talking… that is what has brought me to where I am today with this organization, from worthless feeling, silent, victim to someone working to make a difference, Those who can speak should speak for those who cannot.

Hope that helps


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