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#343909 - 11/02/10 07:56 AM So
teebone21 Offline


Registered: 10/31/10
Posts: 187
Loc: Zaandam
So what if some of it was my fault? confused


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#343910 - 11/02/10 08:04 AM Re: So [Re: teebone21]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
teebone21,

What are you thinking is your fault?

I know for a long time I thought I contributed to my assault happening and therefore was my fault. I still wrestle with it but can also say that I know now that nothing I did could have brought about what was done to me.


Daryl

_________________________
Broad statements often miss their true mark.

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#343911 - 11/02/10 08:20 AM Re: So [Re: prisonerID]
teebone21 Offline


Registered: 10/31/10
Posts: 187
Loc: Zaandam
Well there was definitley things I did that brought it on that's for sure! Not all but some.


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#343912 - 11/02/10 08:27 AM Re: So [Re: teebone21]
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
it dont work that way Tee many things go thru our minds
at 12 I thought my abuser loved me he did not
power and controll were on their minds and even if u did do some smallthing to suggest something hurting someone is never ok

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#343914 - 11/02/10 08:39 AM Re: So [Re: michael Joseph]
teebone21 Offline


Registered: 10/31/10
Posts: 187
Loc: Zaandam
I'm not sure what I did to suggest it to them but I'm thinking I did something.


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#343918 - 11/02/10 08:57 AM Re: So [Re: teebone21]
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5778
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA

Tee:
Perpetrators sometimes plant direct lies/responsibility on the victim during or after the abuse, but many times the child will take on responsibility that does not belong to him.

Has to do with the child's psychological development which involves "ego-centric thinking", that is, the world revolves around the child. It is perfectly normal for the child to make assumptions that s/he can do just about anything (like wishing a parent would die, and then fearing he will make it happen.)

Self-blame is a quite common theme for survivors, as well as victims of other events. When people are in car accidents, get mugged, etc, they second guess about "I should have stopped at that intersection instead of running the yellow light" or "I should have walked down that other block than the one I got robbed."

Check out more on ego-centricity and "magical thinking" by children and go easier on yourself.

The blame and responsibility ALWAYS reside with the older person.


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#343919 - 11/02/10 08:59 AM Re: So [Re: teebone21]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
That makes sense, guy. I think it is a natural thing to try to shift blame to ourselves rather than abusers. I analyzed how I was dressed, why I stopped so close to dusk to wash my car, why I was so obsessed with creating a gym body and so on unto utter insanity.

The perpetrators of abuse do a good job in the messages they give children in order to place it off of themselves and make it "right". I have read many statements here by men who were abused as children and teens. For those of us who were assaulted as adults we were told things that cemented the attacks as being our fault. That we did this or that or some other something. These people are very good at doing the very bad things that they inflict on others. That is why I do not shun the word victim or throw it completely aside for the word survivor. I was a victim and will always be one that night. That keeps the blame on them and not on me. I am a survivor today. I can be both.

Nothing a child could ever do would bring on any form of abuse. Nothing an adult could do gives another the right to assault them. Like MJ said - "hurting someone is never ok".

_________________________
Broad statements often miss their true mark.

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#343920 - 11/02/10 09:07 AM Re: So [Re: prisonerID]
teebone21 Offline


Registered: 10/31/10
Posts: 187
Loc: Zaandam
K I was 15 so I wasn't a kid and I wasn't an adult yet. But I thought it was COOL to be treated like an adult.


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#343921 - 11/02/10 09:27 AM Re: So [Re: teebone21]
Silly Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/21/10
Posts: 140
Loc: Virginia
You were still a kid...simple as that. I barely even consider 21 an adult. Sure it felt good to be treated as adult, but remember the key word there is "treated". Your perp knew exactly what he doing. You are not at fault.

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#343922 - 11/02/10 09:27 AM Re: So [Re: teebone21]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
There are others here who were abused in their teen years and have shared from their unique perspective. I say unique because while we all share many commonalities their are different perspectives and I think it helps to address those. I am sure you will meet some of these guys here.

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Broad statements often miss their true mark.

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