Newest Members
RodrigoBR, MJ545, Marant, BeingFound, journey4two
12332 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
cricket453 (60)
Who's Online
1 registered (whiteflag), 19 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12332 Members
74 Forums
63412 Topics
443345 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 2 of 3 < 1 2 3 >
Topic Options
#344006 - 11/03/10 06:41 AM Re: Wife needs advice. Please help. [Re: Still]
hopefuture Offline


Registered: 10/31/10
Posts: 18
Thank you. I will check the book out. I have found that reading is a great source.


Top
#344007 - 11/03/10 06:43 AM Re: Wife needs advice. Please help. [Re: bluefairy]
hopefuture Offline


Registered: 10/31/10
Posts: 18
I think part of him is still stuck as that hurt little boy and he needs someone to be there for him. I am not sure when this is healthy and when it is not.


Top
#344008 - 11/03/10 06:50 AM Re: Wife needs advice. Please help. [Re: john38]
hopefuture Offline


Registered: 10/31/10
Posts: 18
Thank you so much for your insightful reply. I am so glad that you and your wife have made it through. I agree that the communication has shut down with us too. I don't want to make him feel anymore ashamed than he already feels and it is hard for me to express my shame and hurt and anger to him. I am in no way ashamed of him because of what happened but I feel shame around my friends and family when they don't understand some of my emotions and I can't tell them. I am to the point of asking for a separation of some sort for him to work out his problems and heal but I also want to be there for him. I don't want him to feel abandonned by the only person he trusts.Everyone on this site has been a saving grace for me. Thank you all so much!


Top
#344108 - 11/04/10 12:58 PM Re: Wife needs advice. Please help. [Re: hopefuture]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
Dear Hopefuture,

I am going to come at this from a different angle.

Anyway, I wanted to have children and never did. A man not wanting to have sex may not be the same as him not wanting to have children. If he really wants to have children, but not sex, ask him to do it the new-fashioned way, go the doctor, do it in a cup and have you inseminated. Then, you can have HIS children without sex.

If this doesn't interest him, then I would assume he doesn't want sex OR children. Then, I would leave him. Men who have NEVER been abused will date a woman for YEARS without marrying her, or wanting a child. They are absolutely calloused about this. So, it's not just CSA - it's CSA and being a man, which is trouble, squared.

If he doesn't want you to "abandon" him (I mean, really who abandoned whom first?), then he needs to think about you for the first time seriously in 9 years. If once in 9 years is too much for him, then move on.

It takes me and my two siblings to care for my 94 year old Dad. I have no one to take care of me in old age. Ain't that grand?

Disappointed.



Edited by Disappointed (12/19/10 08:54 PM)
_________________________
Female.

Top
#344134 - 11/04/10 04:37 PM Re: Wife needs advice. Please help. [Re: Disappointed]
john38 Offline


Registered: 10/21/10
Posts: 90
Loc: Pasadena CA
Hey HopeforFuture,

I just read your most recent post. It sounds like you need as much support as your husband. In other words, you have difficulty communicating, sharing, owning feelings too. It really takes a professional 3rd party to facilitate/teach emotionally challenged couples how to communicate safely with one another, where they're both being authentic about what they're sharing, and are no long trying to fix the other via holding back/not communicating. I strongly urge you and he to seek a good couples counselor. It made a world of difference for me and my wife.

Also, it feels to me like you need support and healing. You may want to check into some sort of support group for issues around co-dependency. When we put other's needs ahead of our own, when what they're doing is hurting us, it's often an outgrowth of co-dependency. There's a great, free support group for co-dependents call Co-dependents Anonymous (CoDA), and it's world-wide. I've attended CoDA for sometime (in addition to my CSA groups) and the process has helped me to affirm that I am a being of worth who deserves the best. I can't promise the same will happen for you, but I can't share enough about how wonderful it is to be in dialogue with others who share the same issues. Also, if you like to read, I'd highly recommend any of Melody Beattie's books about co-dependency. She's a nationally recognized expert, and her books are highly affirming and helpful.

Well,friend, take care--and remember, you deserve the best.

John+

_________________________
Just for today I will treat myself with respect, compassion and acceptance.

Top
#344201 - 11/05/10 09:53 AM Re: Wife needs advice. Please help. [Re: hopefuture]
hopefulwife22 Offline


Registered: 11/05/10
Posts: 2
Loc: Canada
My husband just told me about his CSA a few weeks ago - I am the first and only person he has revealed this to. We have been married 6 years and together for a total of 10 years. We have also struggled with infertility the past 4 years and were on the verge of IVF which I think is what triggered him talking to me. Because treatments are so stressful and because trying for a baby was so hard on our physical relationship, I had suggested that this time we be proactive and speak to a therapist before & during treatment. After him revealing his CSA it offers more clarity on why our physical relationship has had it's ups and downs. He has said that now he is unsure if he even wants children because he is afraid that the world has worsened so much since his abuse and he's afraid he won't be able to protect his children from predators. I think he is showing signs of depression which I completely understand - anger, turning to alcohol, reclusiveness and many more. I want to help him in whatever way he needs but I'm unsure. He has asked for some time apart so he can process this as he feels he is unsure of everything in his life right now including whether or not he wants to be a husband. I want to give him the space that he needs and allow him to heal but I also don't want to abandon him. I know I need to seek help on my own and I have made an appointment to start seeing someone - she asked us to come together for our first visit but my husband doesn't agree and wants to go on his own. I am struggling - this is my best friend and the person I vowed to be with my whole life and now he is saying he needs to be alone and is unsure if we can be together going forward. Reading through the other threads my husband is also a workaholic and told me that this was the only way to keep his mind occupied and not focused on the abuse. I also feel lost and am thankful to have found this forum to have others to reach out to and hopefully advice to be offered on how to be a good wife through the healing process.


Top
#344289 - 11/06/10 06:16 AM Re: Wife needs advice. Please help. [Re: hopefulwife22]
hopefuture Offline


Registered: 10/31/10
Posts: 18
Your situation sounds very similar to mine. I am so sorry for your pain! It is really hard to deal with all of the issues you are going through and it will take time for you to heal, as well. Your own therapist is sooo important. My therapist is the only really safe person I have to talk about all of this with. Our infertility has been a horrible issue and has strained our marriage more than I thought possible. My husband also is a workaholic. Is there a way to seperate and have time for each of you to heal while also keeping contact as a support system. I have thought about a seperation of some sort just to give him and me breathing room to deal with the pain we both feel and for him to heal without my constantly being around. God Bless you both!


Top
#344398 - 11/07/10 05:54 AM Re: Wife needs advice. Please help. [Re: Disappointed]
hopefuture Offline


Registered: 10/31/10
Posts: 18
I am so sorry that you are in pain over this, as well. It is such a hard thing to express to people-that over-whelming gut wrenching need for a baby. No one seems to understand. I have talked to him about IUI and adoption but he doesn't cooperate. I have been able to take the reins in all other situations when he couldn't but this one definitely takes two no matter how you plan to have a child. I told him the other day that I do not believe he wants children. He is so lost to the person inside, I don't think he even realizes what he wants or needs. He just goes along with the flow. I have talked to him and he is now working on these issues. I told him I have lost faith in his promises and he must stick with it, otherwise I am gone.


Top
#344547 - 11/09/10 07:06 AM Re: Wife needs advice. Please help. [Re: Still]
hopefuture Offline


Registered: 10/31/10
Posts: 18
Thank you so much for the book recommendation. It is a truly great source!!


Top
#345088 - 11/13/10 02:36 PM Re: Wife needs advice. Please help. [Re: hopefuture]
hopefulwife22 Offline


Registered: 11/05/10
Posts: 2
Loc: Canada
thanks for your support - i am going home for the next 6 weeks and my husband is supposed to come and join me there for the holidays. he wants to be able to open up to his parents and family and tell them about the abuse. He has promised to see someone and start dealing with this and keep open with communication so I guess all I can do is hope. I know he has so much anger and feels unsure with where his life is and I struggle with the feelings of what is best for each of us. I want to work through this together and heal but I know he has to want it too. Hopefully this space will give each of us clarity. It's true, until you have struggled with infertility it is hard to know the stress it puts on a marriage. We have been through years of drugs and monitoring and iui's with no luck - learning of his CSA helps me now understand times that he withdrew when he must have felt I was 'forcing' sex because it was the right time. I don't know really what to do but I know that I will stand by him either as his wife or as his friend because I do love him with all my heart. I guess all I can do is try my best and have faith. Thank you for your support and I'll be keeping everyone I meet on here in my prayers. God bless.


Top
Page 2 of 3 < 1 2 3 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.