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#343614 - 10/30/10 12:16 AM Site for Friends and Family
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
So, I agree that it would be helpful to have a site for F&F, but there isn't one. I'm really grateful we can be on this site, but obviously it makes some uncomfortable. There are few resources out there for male survivors, but even less for F&F. If F&F knew how to deal with the abuse better, it would make it easier for survivors (and us). That is the whole point...that is why we are here. Not to feed off someone's survival, but to learn and get help so we can be better supporters. I just wish I knew how to make some sort of site, but I don't, and I'm sure it takes money.


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#343630 - 10/30/10 08:19 AM Re: Site for Friends and Family [Re: hopeandtry]
Lavinia Offline


Registered: 12/02/09
Posts: 61
I agree, hope4him, and there are free website and message board options, but someone would have to set it all up and continue to moderate it, since there is no guarantee that a separate site for family and friends would prevent conflict. Also, would this site be open to supporters of male and female survivors, or just males? There isn't a lot of activity in this section to begin with; my concern is that a separate site wouldn't get many visitors or much activity, either.

I could possibly set something up but honestly, I have a ton of irons in the fire as it is and I don't think it would be fair to everyone to have a moderator who can't devote the time and energy into the site. I tried to start a message board a few years ago for abuse survivors and people joined but didn't post very much and eventually everyone got bored with it. I hate to be pessimistic but I'm not sure if it's worth it to build a site that maybe 5 people will visit once or twice a week.


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#343631 - 10/30/10 08:39 AM Re: Site for Friends and Family [Re: Lavinia]
Wardpoet Offline


Registered: 10/22/10
Posts: 43
Loc: Maryland
I like you here. Sure I can be offended by anyone. That is my nature so part of my learning can be to deal with it something I need to do. So stick around I want you here. You are people who care and want to help so teach by being who you are.


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#343656 - 10/30/10 12:16 PM Re: Site for Friends and Family [Re: Wardpoet]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
Lavinia, I feel that I am looking for resources aimed at supporters of males who went through CSA or ASA, so I feel that I need a site aimed at such. I wouldn't say that supporters of females would be unwelcome (obviously there are some things in common), but I wouldn't want the site to be directed toward males AND females (in terms of survivors I mean). I feel that being on this site is more valuable in a way because HOW can we understand CSA and ASA and help those we love if we do not have help from the actual survivors? That being said, of course if there was a separate site, it would be open to survivors and they would be encouraged to post and offer advice.

Wardpoet, thank you for the message. I really like being here too and something I read last night on the forums (not directed at me) really bothered me. It implied that women are here to "feed" off of survivors' recovery, and I don't believe that at all (if that is true for anyone on here, then I hope they read this and get a clue). I am here because I hurt for myself AND MY EX...probably way more for him than for me. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO HELP HIM much of the time, and I come here for that reason mainly. I cannot tell you how much sleep I have lost and how much I've cried and been heartbroken not knowing what to do, and knowing that much of the time (in the past) I was hurting him unnecessarily. If I had found this site even a few months ago, I think things would be SO different. I have learned so much from the men on here willing to help me. Don't get me wrong, I completely understand there is a risk having women on here, but like another poster said in another thread, many survivors were abused by men, but there are men on here too. Of course, it is also different with women because men want to share their stories with other men who were abused, and women could interrupt that "fraternity." Anyway, I am just saying that I am aware of the problems and if I ever were to say something that was inappropriate, I would want the men to tell me. If I am ever in the chat room and a man wants me to leave, then please let me know (politely). I think one of the best ways to break the cycle of emotional turmoil is mutual respect between survivors and those that love them. Yes, we need to learn how to help survivors, but sometimes supporters are unjustly hurt and we need respect as well. I'm not talking about people who do not have good intentions, I'm talking about supporters who truly care and don't deserve to be hurt.

I try to not overstep boundaries and post TOO much on this site or be in the main chat room TOO much, but when I am there, it's probably because I am desperately trying to find a way to help my ex in a particular situation. I most certainly avoid giving any "advice" about abuse unless someone wants my opinion from the female perspective of a supporter.

I am here because I care about my ex, myself, and I am tired of the destruction caused by my lack of education about abuse and its effects. I cannot change or cure him, but I can change how I deal with the issue.


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#343658 - 10/30/10 12:33 PM Re: Site for Friends and Family [Re: hopeandtry]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
F&F, hope4him, lavina, others,

I know the impulse to cut and run when then feelings are hurt.

Please know from my heart that I know NONE of us are perfect and who wants perfection anyway.

We survivors are triggered from lots of things. I know everybody not just survivors are "triggered".

I believe this is all about being heard and having a balance.

I have received great comfort from others in the F&F in the past.

I understand your struggles too.

Donnie

_________________________
aka DJsport

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#343659 - 10/30/10 12:36 PM Re: Site for Friends and Family [Re: Avery46]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
Thanks Avery,

For me, it's less about feelings hurt and more about the fact that I know our presence is an issue for some, and perhaps we do not always get what we need since we don't have our own site. I would rather die than do anything to damage a survivor (including my ex), and a separate site is something that might alleviate problems on here as well as get more resources out there for supporters. That being said, I really like being on this site too and don't have a particular desire to leave except for reasons stated above.


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#343668 - 10/30/10 01:16 PM Re: Site for Friends and Family [Re: hopeandtry]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
awwwww.........



Edited by Avery46 (10/30/10 03:01 PM)
_________________________
aka DJsport

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#343671 - 10/30/10 02:16 PM Re: Site for Friends and Family [Re: Avery46]
Lavinia Offline


Registered: 12/02/09
Posts: 61
This is still very much a work in progress but here is a possible solution for friends and family:

http://hero4him.proboards.com

Thanks everyone!

Edit: Male survivors are welcome to join as long as they understand that this is primarily a site for supporters and sometimes we get frustrated and angry. Hostility will not be tolerated. Let's try to work together on healing!



Edited by Lavinia (10/30/10 03:22 PM)
Edit Reason: some clarification needed

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#343691 - 10/30/10 05:48 PM Re: Site for Friends and Family [Re: Lavinia]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: Lavinia
...primarily a site for supporters and sometimes we get frustrated and angry. Hostility will not be tolerated. Let's try to work together on healing!


Your going to leave here? Your leaving here with the above message?

There were others here that opened their hearts to you - supported you - let you know what a survivor is experiencing.

In pain...over this

_________________________
aka DJsport

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#343696 - 10/30/10 06:26 PM Re: Site for Friends and Family [Re: Avery46]
Lavinia Offline


Registered: 12/02/09
Posts: 61
No, I'm not leaving here entirely but I think a site primarily for friends and family is also needed. Believe me, I appreciate the love and support from everyone on MS. You guys are great and I want to stay as active as possible on this board. I'm sorry I upset you and made you worry that we were all abandoning ship, so to speak. That was not my reason for creating the other board.

Safe hugs to you, Avery46. Sorry again for making you worry!


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