Newest Members
tammy m, TheConqueror, Bloom, JohnWC, KKumar
12423 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
biggbill70 (44), CP4 (24), EddieMi (46), EddieT (46), hemi1024 (54), Kage (70), kdj_74 (40), Knightswhitehart (49), otlhouston (47), TX_Space (47), VirtualBman (50)
Who's Online
2 registered (tbkkfile, 1 invisible), 38 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12423 Members
74 Forums
63796 Topics
445499 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Topic Options
#343407 - 10/28/10 12:54 PM I need help please!
newbie Offline


Registered: 10/28/10
Posts: 3
My husband just told me last night about the abuse he suffered as a boy. I want to do the right thing to help him and I don't know what the right things to do are. He broke down crying, saying he had wanted to tell me for a long time. I comforted him and told him that it wasn't his fault. Now today he has been very distant. He is just acting very different. Like he is depressed now. I told him to make an appt. to a therapist and he said he is going to do that. His older brother was his abuser and I am so angry at him. I can't understand how he can be around him now and I so badly want to confront his brother but I wouldn't do that for obvious reasons. I think it may be hard for me to control myself around his brother now. Any advice on that?
Also, should I be worried that my husband may become an abuser? I know sometimes that men who have been abused as boys then abuse other boys. I have kids, do I worry about them around their uncle? I hope I am not offending anyone but I am just really ignorant when it comes to these things. I came here for help and guidance and I would appreciate any! Thanks so much!


Top
#343409 - 10/28/10 01:10 PM Re: I need help please! [Re: newbie]
Tinman Offline


Registered: 05/30/08
Posts: 359
Loc: Lake Forest, CA
Newbie,

It is not uncommon for a survivor to disclose and then pull away from the one he disclosed to. This is just the beginning, sad to say, of a very long and hard road for the both of you. I hope he will get into therapy as soon as possible. The friends and family here can advise you better than I.

As far as confronting his brother, that is the LAST thing you want to do! It would very likely backfire. Any confrontation will have to be done by your husband, if and when he feels it should happen.

Do not worry about him becoming an abuser simply because he was abused. Very few abused boys/men go on to become abusers themselves. Everyone I know would rather blow their head off than repeat what was done to them.

As I said, the friends and family here will be a great resource for you.

And welcome to MS.

_________________________
Tinman
"I finally have my heart!"

To the perps: Don't worry about me coming after you. But you damn well better watch out for God! "Vengeance is mine", saith the Lord

Top
#343410 - 10/28/10 01:23 PM Re: I need help please! [Re: Tinman]
newbie Offline


Registered: 10/28/10
Posts: 3
Tinman, thank you for your reply. When you say this is the beginning of a very long and hard road, what should I expect? I guess I was thinking that if he went in to therapy that things would eventually go back to normal. Is that not the case? I know that this is huge and it will take time, is there anything I can do? Words that I should say? If he doesn't make an appt. to see the therapist should I bring it up? Should I bring up anything or just wait for him to talk to me? I don't want to ignore it and act like he never said anything but I don't want to bring up the subject and push him away either.


Top
#343415 - 10/28/10 01:56 PM Re: I need help please! [Re: newbie]
Lavinia Offline


Registered: 12/02/09
Posts: 61
Hi Newbie,

First of all welcome to the forum. I tend to write a lot so I'll try to make this as concise as possible. My first piece of advice for you is to read and find out as much information as you can about child sexual abuse and especially its effects on males. Also, a good resource for you as a partner would be the book Allies in Healing by Laura Davis. It is an excellent kind of "first guide" for partners of sexual abuse survivors. The author addresses many questions such as "Are my children at risk?" and "How do I deal with the survivor's family?"

I want to repeat a few points that Tinman made: your husband is probably not going to abuse your children and it is his decision whether or not he wants to confront his brother. I think you had said you wouldn't do that anyway, but it bears repeating. As far as your relationship with the abuser goes, you have EVERY right to protect your children from their uncle and you certainly can set limits on how much you want to see this guy, but often survivors have mixed feelings about their abusers, especially if they are family members, so your husband may be torn between his love for his brother and the realization that he abused him.

Best of luck to you and your husband. With support from a therapist as well as friends and (supportive) family members, your husband can heal. It may take a long time but if your marriage is solid and you are both committed to one another and can take care of each other, you'll do just fine. Also, you may want to consider therapy for yourself as well. Your husband may ask you to keep his past a secret but you need a trusted person to talk to about the feelings you experience during this time.

One last point: communication is enormously important for healing, but don't be alarmed if your husband distances himself or withdraws from time to time. Also, he may begin "testing" you to see if you can handle his emotional ups and downs and such. There will be times where he wants to be close and discuss personal and painful stuff, and other times where he'll try pushing you away. It's all part of the process. As a child, he probably didn't learn healthy boundaries and now he'll try to test things out with you. It's frustrating at times but if you learn more about survivors and recovery, things will hopefully start to make sense. Again, good luck and feel free to PM me anytime.


Top
#343469 - 10/28/10 11:33 PM Re: I need help please! [Re: Lavinia]
SunnyGirl Offline


Registered: 07/13/10
Posts: 79
Newbie,
You asked what Tinman meant by this being a long and difficult road that you are heading down. You also asked whether things would go back to "normal." It might be shocking for me to be so blunt, but there is no going back. As Oprah once said, "You have to find a new normal." Your prior "normal" involved your husband hiding his painful past from you. Believe me. You do not want to go back to him pretending that he is okay. He is not okay. Someone violated him in the worst way possible. Don't believe him if he tells you he doesn't need to deal with the abuse. But also know that whether he gets help or not and the pace he at which he does it is his choice. An often repeated theme you will see here in MS is the issue of control. You won't be helping your husband if you are trying to control him -- you need to let him have control over his healing because he did not have control when the abuse happened. He needs to have that control now.

As you read more here on MS, you will see the broad spectrum of issues and emotions you and your husband may experience. But keep in mind that sexual abuse is not just an issue for your husband to deal with. Yes, it is for him to decide to move forward and get help. However, you, too, will be changed during this process. Your husband has a lot of emotions to work through and as Lavinia said, there will be push and pull between you. Being on the receiving end of that treatment can be really hard, but you're not alone. Come here when you need support. Find a therapist for yourself that specializes in trauma or abuse. Read as much as you can -- whether looking at old threads here on MS or in books. I find Victims No Longer and Beyond Betrayal to both be good guides. And lastly, take time for yourself. Don't forget to do that.

SunnyGirl

_________________________
"When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us." - H. Keller

"Change & growth take place when a person has risked himself & dares to become involved w/ experimenting w/ his own life." - H. Otto

Top
#343501 - 10/29/10 09:19 AM Re: I need help please! [Re: SunnyGirl]
newbie Offline


Registered: 10/28/10
Posts: 3
Thank you all for the replies. I am going to take it day by day. It is nice that I found MS and all of you for support. Thanks again!! I will be taking your advice and I am sure I will be back for more. smile


Top
#343508 - 10/29/10 10:29 AM Re: I need help please! [Re: newbie]
Tinman Offline


Registered: 05/30/08
Posts: 359
Loc: Lake Forest, CA
Newbie,

I found this link. It might be of assitance to you? Has some pointers about what you asked about. Hope it helps!

http://www.earnedmedia.org/gts1025.htm

_________________________
Tinman
"I finally have my heart!"

To the perps: Don't worry about me coming after you. But you damn well better watch out for God! "Vengeance is mine", saith the Lord

Top
#345856 - 11/20/10 12:19 PM Re: I need help please! [Re: newbie]
rubens56girl Offline


Registered: 11/14/10
Posts: 6
Loc: new york
so sorry to hear about your husbands ordeal. as a wife, i would say to listen. learn about abuse. know how it affects him.your family. this site has books which are very helpful and informative. as for the fears you have as a mom, don't ignore them. be aware of your concerns as a mom. as for being a partner, take part in his process. he told you, it's his first step as well as yours. as for being around your in law, i wouldn't. would i allow him to be alone with my kids. nope!!for me, being around my son's abuser was so disgusting for me, so apparent, the abuser stayed away from me. i looked at him and there were no more polite smiles on my face, just rage. i finally wrote a letter to the abuser, let my husband read it before i mailed it. read it a gazillion times, but i finally mailed it. hope everything turns out ok for your family.


Top


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.