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#34344 - 01/13/03 06:12 PM Re: radical acceptance??????
hdan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/06/03
Posts: 43
Loc: Texas
MichaelB,

I know that BPD is serious, but don't feel that you're more messed up than anyone else because you've been given this tag (BPD) and someone else has been tagged with something seemingly less severe.

In the one post by one of the moderators (or a similar person), it explained just a tad about what BPD was. I read it and literally said out loud, "Oh, my God, that's me, too." I haven't been officially tagged with it, but I have experienced it. That's one of the good aspects of a forum like this. One realizes that no matter how bad something sounds, he/she is not the only person that is affected by it. You'd be surprised how many "normal" people that you know actually have problems to deal with like us in this group.

Hdan


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#34345 - 01/13/03 06:18 PM Re: radical acceptance??????
hdan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/06/03
Posts: 43
Loc: Texas
MichaelB,

Forgot to add this to my previous post concerning acceptance.

I am having trouble accepting that my parents abused me. I keep thinking that I must be making it up or something or that I had encouraged it. I haven't connected to it emotionally either. It takes time, and it's hard not to stress about it.

Hdan


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#34346 - 01/13/03 07:21 PM Re: radical acceptance??????
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Michael

Quote:
not sure i deserve to feel like a survivor.
WE ALL DESERVE TO FEEL LIKE SURVIVORS.

And you have no reason not to either Michael, and as Andrew and all the other guys say here - it's a leap of faith, a step into the unknown, and it's frightening.
I know it's frightening, I did it, and I was scared.
But it was worth it.

Eventually the thought of spending the rest of my life living with my abusive childhood was far more frightening than the leap of accepting that I needed the help of others.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#34347 - 01/13/03 11:59 PM Re: radical acceptance??????
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Quote:
I am having trouble accepting that my parents abused me. I keep thinking that I must be making it up or something or that I had encouraged it. I haven't connected to it emotionally either. It takes time, and it's hard not to stress about it.

Hdan
Hdan, at first I thot I was making it up or imagining things too; I was incested by both my parents. Even early flashes of memory were thus shoved aside. For over 40 years, until around a year ago. Being abused by
the one's we were supposed to be able to trust--it's hard to connect to mentally, emotionally, in any way. It does take time, so take the time & take it easy on yourself.

As far as encouraging it: I've thot that especially about my mother, since the incest with her was ongoing over the years. But no she was the one in the position of responsibility & trust & power, all of which she betrayed & abused. The same is true with you Hdan.

Take care

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#34348 - 01/14/03 01:50 PM Re: radical acceptance??????
michaelb Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/01
Posts: 211
Loc: cincinnati, ohio
andrew, waumei, hdan, lloydy....thank you all for your encouragement....how do you take that leap of faith by accepting sketchy memories as factual????? i am such a skeptic about everything, especially myself.....what if i accept and believe things that are untrue?????? hdan what you say touches me so much about the doubts/questions of your memory....how do you ever get past those questions of doubt???? especially with you and waumei, when it is your own parents you are doubting????? how did/does your mind survive accepting such things???? my abuse was incest, i guess, but it is impossible for me to really acknowledge it.....HOW DID YOU OVERCOME THIS????????????????

i have felt so worthless for so long that i do not feel like i'm worthy of surving this ordeal...all i deserve is shame/guilt....i do not think i'll ever be able to accept that all of this was not my fault....i had to bring this upon myself, why else would i have gay fantasies??????
fantasies of abusing that little boy??????....those things were IN MY MIND!!!!!!!!!!!!! not my uncle's........why do i still crave to have his arms around me, to make me feel safe?????????????

WHY IS THIS SO DAMN HARD?????????????????????????

michael


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#34349 - 01/14/03 02:27 PM Re: radical acceptance??????
andrew-almost52 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/31/02
Posts: 243
Loc: canada
Michael, I remember you saying something about never having had consentual sex as an adult. Maybe it's time. Now that would be taking a leap!
Hey, I know this sounds like a glib suggestion, but why not give it a go. You've had gay fantasies, why not indulge them? I'm not suggesting you go out and have anonymous sex, although you could, I'm suggesting allowing yourself to be receptive to the experience when it presents itself as a normal part of your life. We all need to have intimacy Michael. Your frequent thoughts of your Uncle and wanting to feel safe in his arms ... sounds to me like you need a boyfriend, or girlfriend. Go for the gusto
buddy, you deserve it. Peace, Andrew


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#34350 - 01/14/03 02:46 PM Re: radical acceptance??????
al Offline
Member

Registered: 01/08/03
Posts: 143
Loc: canada
No matter what you choose, please please remember to practice safe sex ;\)

_________________________
Those who dance appear insane to those who cannot hear the music. Mark Kleiman

Kites rise highest against the wind, not with it. Winston Churchill

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#34351 - 01/14/03 02:48 PM Re: radical acceptance??????
hdan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/06/03
Posts: 43
Loc: Texas
andrewalmost52,

While I agree with the basic premise of your suggestion that we all need intimacy and that sex is part of that intimacy, one has to be careful (or thoughtful) about having sex while dealing with sexual abuse issues. For me, having sex right now would cloud my sexual abuse issues and actually hurt my relationship with my spouse. I'm not sure but it might do more damage than good. But that's just me. I guess that I'm just saying be thoughtful about it and make sure one does it for the right reasons.

Hdan


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#34352 - 01/14/03 04:06 PM Re: radical acceptance??????
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Michael:

I thot about that myself--what if my memories were false; I'd heard about stuff like that. But I was having these memories as an adult, and I wasn't being coached by a teacher or an attorney or a T. Once I started dealing with a related sexual issue, my abuse memories were compelled it to come out, becuz that's where the related issue was/is rooted.

"how do you take that leap of faith by accepting sketchy memories as factual?????"

Hey the way I suppressed & dissociated from those memories all those years, it's obvious I didn't want them; so they must have been, & are, real!

"how did/does your mind survive accepting such things????

Becuz it couldn't survive not accepting them anymore...

"i had to bring this upon myself, why else would i have gay fantasies?????? fantasies of abusing that little boy??????....those things were IN MY MIND!!!!!!!!!!!!! not my uncle's........why do i still crave to have his arms around me, to make me feel safe?????????????"

Michael, those fantasies didn't just pop into your mind out of nowhere. It seems to me that they--or similar fantasies & desires--were
in your uncle's mind, when he wrapped his arms around you and transferred those thots into your mind by what he did to you.

You crave his arms around you still sometimes becuz maybe that was the safest you were made to feel as a child. Maybe becuz your uncle abused his trust relationship with you and forced upon you a perversion of intimacy, which you were in no way ready for and still struggle with your feelings about. Maybe?...

Until recently I could relate to these kinds of mixed feelings about my mother. It took a long time; but no more...

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#34353 - 01/14/03 08:48 PM Re: radical acceptance??????
andrew-almost52 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/31/02
Posts: 243
Loc: canada
Good advise Hdan. One always needs to be thoughtful. But when the right time, right person, right circumstances come along ....we must allow ourselves the chance to feel. Giving ourselves a chance to experience is very important. Peace, Andrew


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