Newest Members
journey4two, VASurvivor, jayceemac, rwolf, FindingNemo
12328 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
cja (49), crackerjack (55), nursemanda25 (33)
Who's Online
1 registered (1 invisible), 14 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12328 Members
74 Forums
63403 Topics
443287 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Topic Options
#343198 - 10/26/10 08:24 PM My first time here, as well
davidm Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 20
My name is David.

On November 6 it will have been 25 years since I was raped the first time by a male instructor. I was an undergraduate at a Canadian university, and had just met that instructor earlier that day in a class he'd taught.

We got talking after class, and he asked me to join him and some of his colleagues for a few drinks that evening. The others left, and I was stranded. A blizzard had started, and I didn't have cab fare. He suggested I stay the night, and call a friend for a ride in the morning. I didn't suspect a thing.

When he attacked me, I just put my hands over my eyes and started saying over and over, "No. This is not happening." I was completely helpless. He was much bigger than me. But what really crippled me was my inability to accept the horror of what was happening.

The following month he stalked me -- by telephone and by mail, since I spent that month hiding in my apartment. I still have some of the notes.

When I returned to study, during the middle two weeks of December, he subjected me to several further assaults. Each was more violent than the one previous, as my psychological denial started to crack and I started to fight back. I went back into hiding.

Five weeks later, I tried to confront him, after receiving a plea from one of his oldest friends, who believed my teacher was going insane and might be on the brink of suicide. My reward was one final, particularly brutal rape. I asked him why he'd done such things to me. He said it was just because I was the "prettiest boy" in his class.

I later spent five weeks in hospital and over a dozen years in therapy for what an experienced forensic psychiatrist called the worst case of rape trauma hed ever seen.

It ruined my life. By the time I'd recovered any degree of functionality, my academic career was a memory. It didn't help that I kept filing complaints with the University -- who decided, in the end, it was easier to get rid of me than it was to investigate an eminent visiting instructor who had since returned to Cambridge. A professor in the law faculty told me not even to try filing charges, since an adult male rape victim wouldn't be taken seriously by the police.

Ever since, I've been periodically disabled by PTSD, sometimes for months at a time. Depression, flashbacks, nightmares, insomnia. And that has ruined my wife's life, as well.

Now, Im trying to launch a civil action against him in England.


Top
#343202 - 10/26/10 08:46 PM Re: My first time here, as well [Re: davidm]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
davidm,

Welcome to the forum though I am very sorry that you need to be here. I am glad you had the courage to post this so early on - you did a great job of telling this part of your story. Thank you for sharing your heart with us here.

You were victimized in a very violent and horrible way. And something like that leaves deep scars.

You talked of the shock of it all. That is what you were in - shock. None of us imagined that we could be raped as grown men. Never entered my mind twenty years ago. And I froze in shock when it began. Not my fault. Not your fault.

The law professor was wrong in encouraging you to keep quiet. You had a right to say what was done to you and I am glad that you are pursuing a civil case. I learned from my assault that the investigators were on my side and supported me and not the suspects (who were never caught). I just wish I would have accepted that help back then.

Whatever we can do to help please ask. I hope you continue to share and work through whatever you need to here.


Daryl

_________________________
Broad statements often miss their true mark.

Top
#343205 - 10/26/10 09:12 PM Re: My first time here, as well [Re: prisonerID]
davidm Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 20
Thank you, so very much, Daryl.

I do think, however, that the law professor I consulted was right. The police in that backward province -- Alberta -- would have laughed at me, just as the department head at the university did when I reported it to him (very shortly after I got out of hospital). When I told him he should take me seriously, because I was thinking of legal action, he answered, "I don't think you should sue him. I think you should find some other way to pay for your education." Those words hit me like my former instructor's fist.

Earlier today, I emailed that police department, asking them for statistics regarding their arrests, referrals for prosecution and convictions resulting from their investigations of sexual assaults in which the victims were adult males. I expect the numbers will vindicate that law professor.

I'm very glad to hear your experience with the police was better than I could have expected, Daryl. But I'm deeply saddened to learn your attackers weren't caught. I'm so very sorry.

I, at least, know precisely where my former music instructor is. And I've got two file boxes full of doctors' reports, witness statements, harassing notes he wrote me, etc., that I've held onto for more than twenty years. He is in for a surprise.


Top
#343234 - 10/27/10 07:03 AM Re: My first time here, as well [Re: davidm]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
davidm,

I wish you the best with whatever legal action you decide to take for yourself.

What that law professor told you was a pitiful statement. No matter how high the education one has it does not guarantee an understanding or sympathy for humanity. I am sorry you had to deal with that kind of rejection and condemnation - neither did you deserve.

I have read some things by other men who told of how they were dismissed by the authorities. At the time I could not appreciate or take in much that was going on around me after the asault. My mind was too busy racing in an effort to out think everyone so that they did not believe I had been raped. The initial cop assumed it. The investigator knew it. The doctor verified it. I was the only one who kept saying they were wrong. From the first time the arriving officer asked me "Were you sexually assaulted?" I lied and I continued to do so for many months. Later, at the suggestion of my psychiatrist I spoke with an investigator on the phone and shared with him the truth. My report was amended and at least the truth was on paper somewhere.

I do not know how come these folks were the way they were but I look back on it now with appreciation. I just wish I could have recognized it for the gift is was when it was being offered.

I appreciate your words very much but have reconciled that my attackers will never pay for what they did that night. Maybe if I had cooperated things could have been different but I did not want them caught because I would have to face what had happened. Years later I wanted them caught but it was too late. Now I have reconciled that I did what I felt I had to do and hopefully justice has caught up to them anyway. I doubt I was their only victim.

Keep us posted with your progress - you are supported here in whatever course you take for yourslf. I applaud your courage.


Daryl

_________________________
Broad statements often miss their true mark.

Top
#343238 - 10/27/10 08:11 AM Re: My first time here, as well [Re: prisonerID]
Marley Offline


Registered: 10/06/10
Posts: 54
davidm,

Welcome, and to mirror what Daryl said, sorry you have to be here. Good luck with that legal action.

Marley



Top
#343256 - 10/27/10 10:38 AM Re: My first time here, as well [Re: Marley]
davidm Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 20
Thank you, Marley


Top
#343259 - 10/27/10 10:45 AM Re: My first time here, as well [Re: prisonerID]
davidm Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 20
I might well have maintained the same psychological denial as you went through, Daryl, had later rapes not rendered unsustainable the denial that set in after the first rape.

Like you, I know I'm not the only one my former instructor raped. He told me so. And several experts who have reviewed the facts of my case have said that, given the specifics of his behaviour, its impossible that I've been the only one.

As for my "courage" -- I wouldn't call it that. I've just reached a point where I can look back on the devastation of almost the whole of my adult life, and I've realized I have nothing more to lose. There is literally no further harm that monster can inflict upon me.

Again, I am so very sorry your attackers were never brought to justice, Daryl.


Top


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.