The other day I had trouble functioning in bed, and rather than starting a new thread, I thought I could search for a relevant one to join in on. This thread resonates with me in some ways.
With my Mom, although there were one or two flashbacks of touching, I would say in was covert incest ("incest" is a really hard word for me), but the other day my wife and I were having sex and as she was touching me, somehow I felt it was like Mom touching me ALL OVER. I even heard Mom's voice say "My handsome man." I suddenly realized that I had lost my erection while having sex with my wife. I felt awful. I feel like I'm letting her down, and I also feel totally humiliated. It is also confusing, because another source of shame for me is that I can get aroused thinking of some things with my mother, so why does that suddenly have the opposite effect when that would be the last thing I need. It seems totally unfair that I will get an erection when thinking about Mom--when I would really rather not. And then when going limp would be the last thing I want, THAT is the effect it has on me.
I can't talk to my wife about it, because when I first started facing SA issues she told me I must be wrong about my mother. It is also tough that when I told her I wanted to go a support group, she said, "Just don't come home one day and tell me your gay." That hurt a lot. I've had questions, but I know I'm not gay. I decided then, though, that I would not talk to my wife about the SA. She hasn't complained. Once or twice she tried to listen, but she was pretty much repulsed by talk of anything abuse-related. So I lost my erection in bed, and I can't talk to her about it.
I feel like I can hear my older brother, who also did things to me and once told me I was gay, laughing at me.
Now, I'm scared of the next time we'll have sex. I'm afraid it won't work again, and I am afraid taht this fear will make it even more difficult.
I'm also feeling pretty asexual overall. I know I'm not gay, am not turned on by men. I have weird and explicit fantasies about my brother, but it is not about being attracted towards men in general.
On the women front, though, I feel practically disinterested. I can see pictures and films of beautiful women and have no reaction whatsoever. It is almost like I am bored. Part of me wonders if I am just getting old. At 40, am I just losing it?
Part of me though, wonders if I'm just less of a man. That's a hard one, because so many times in so many ways the question comes up. I've never felt like I was fully a man, and now this last incident seems like one more confirmation of that. (I'm wondering if "impotent" will become the new difficult word for me)
Edited by learning2remember (09/26/10 01:00 AM)
"This is not my shame, this is their shame." Mona Eltahawy