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#343112 - 10/26/10 01:00 AM Same Sex Attraction, but What kind?
lfp Offline


Registered: 11/02/08
Posts: 121
Struggles with SSA- Same Sex Attraction

Yes, but what KIND?

Even though I do not like guys in a romantic and emotional way, I have a fixation about the male body... I always have huge feelings of contempt and inadequacy. When I look at men I feel they have a piece that was stolen from me, and that I will never know what it is like. That makes me feel anxious and hopeless. I am always scared that people will realize I'm not a real man.

I believe that most problems about fantasies are based not in a gender identity but in identity itself. A straight man is a man, and a gay man is also a man. The core problem here is about "What we are" and not "What we like".

The situation that brings anxiety to straight men that have same sex fantasies is "I am fantasizing about a guy, I am thinking about guys"... It worked for me to stop thinking about the fact that I was giving attention to it, and started thinking about the kind of attention I was giving.

I struggled long time with same sex fantasies and felt hopelessly confused and guilty. I recently learned that these fantasies are usually related to a validation as a man, rather than being sexually with a woman. For example, the fantasy in which a straight man is going to have intercourse with a woman and invites you for a threesome. He is realizing that two of the three people of the threesome are men, and that you are one of them. He knows that you are able to perform a task like his. Your role is never submissive. I believe this has a sexual charge, and it’s related to the fantasy of having control.

Another fantasy is: Walking out of your bedroom in boxers and realize that your straight male roommate doesn’t care, also because he realizes you are a guy, and there’s nothing that could interest him.

Then little by little I started to discover things in my mind that made me feel lighter and less guilty. All gay porn is about a recognition of one man to the other. This brings sexual charge and arousal, and more if the bottom seems to be the strongest one in the couple… because he is giving the “weaker” the recognition. i.e: The one that was thought to be under submission is not.

Sometimes the simple fantasy of participating in a common conversation with men when they talk about women and being considered one true part of the group can also produce arousal.

I believe I spend so much time trying to teach my brain to replace the allegedly stolen pieces of masculinity in such a strong way that a fantasy about a woman seems undeserving, far away or is simply not available yet to the mind.

I feel this right now, Idk…

Luis.

_________________________
Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there. ~Josh Billings.
The Round Table, Mondays 7:30pm CST.

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#343120 - 10/26/10 08:04 AM Re: Same Sex Attraction, but What kind? [Re: lfp]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1626
Loc: Minnesota
Thanks!

I hear you about the need for validation from other men-this is one thing I shut off and shut out of my life as a result of the abuse . I am learning to find healthy support, even intimacy, with safe supportive men in my life-I used to only seek this out sexually and it wasn't a solution.

Affirmation as a man is one of my barometers in my life today-where do I get this need met? Do I live my life in such a way to affirm myself? Dining let other men affirm me? Do I really let that affirmation and validation soak in, deep down? What is my relationship with myself and the men in my life?

I had a T once who talked about our age-old need for our father's blessing. It's a concept in the old and new testament stories. My father was too wounded to bless,'I carry that sadness for me and him today. And I try
To seek out a father who can encourage and bless me.

Going from a shut down lone ranger to acknowledging my need for other men is quite the transformation . I'm. Gonna keep climbing towards that.
Another father to bless and encourage me.

_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

“It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#343242 - 10/27/10 09:20 AM Re: Same Sex Attraction, but What kind? [Re: lfp]
Shaun The Sheep Offline


Registered: 03/17/10
Posts: 188
Loc: West Coast
*****************************



Edited by Shaun The Sheep (03/30/11 11:55 PM)

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#343349 - 10/27/10 11:18 PM Re: Same Sex Attraction, but What kind? [Re: Shaun The Sheep]
lfp Offline


Registered: 11/02/08
Posts: 121
Thanks guys,

@MB: I am glad you have been able to reach intimacy. For me, the idea is still foggy and scary. The male validation thing is indeed a dirty game from the brain, and it's especially stubborn...

@Shaun: I am glad you brought this 2 quotes. The first one is one of the most persistent ideas in my head. I have not felt, and I do not feel like the other men. That is clear. and I feel I can't take it anymore.

I like that you pointed out the second quote, also made me know that I was not alone in that! Happens to me all the time and the core problem here is again: recognition and validation.

I do not want* the threesome either lol!! The fantasy lies in my head as a desperate resource for recognition, but I don't even participate in it! It's funny because the fantasy stops right there, where the other guy asks you to join him. Never gets to the actual intercourse.

Oh mind games, how to deal with them..

_________________________
Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there. ~Josh Billings.
The Round Table, Mondays 7:30pm CST.

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#343366 - 10/28/10 01:09 AM Re: Same Sex Attraction, but What kind? [Re: lfp]
Shaun The Sheep Offline


Registered: 03/17/10
Posts: 188
Loc: West Coast
*****************************



Edited by Shaun The Sheep (03/30/11 11:55 PM)

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#343372 - 10/28/10 04:19 AM Re: Same Sex Attraction, but What kind? [Re: Shaun The Sheep]
learning2remember Offline
Member

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 261
Loc: Europe
These things resonate with me, too. Fanatasizing about giving oral sex to men might be my toughest issue right now.

I don't know if I am seeking validation in that. It doesn't feel that way, but I'll think about it. There is definitely something worth considering though, in the question of what kind of attention I am giving to the other person.

I struggle with feeling like less of a man, sometimes wondering if/when others will realize that I am a non-man in man's clothing.

Also, the bit about not being able to remember the abuse, but bearing all the signs, that really, really resonates with me. I remember some things, but always felt like I needed to remember more in order to be sure it was true. I'm past that now, and find 'evidence' not only in what memory I do have, but in the effects it all had on me.

In terms of effects, some essential ones were identified in pretty non-threatening ways before I ever started exploring the abuse for what it was. In a group learning situation, the leader pointed out I had issues with touch and trust. Later, a measure of emotional intelligence revealed (though I already knew it) that I had problems with body image. Think about it--touch, trust, body image. I almost wish somebody had been there to put those things together and guide me into tougher questions. I must not have been ready for it then, though.

Anyway, thanks for this thread so far. It has got me thinking...

_________________________
"This is not my shame, this is their shame." Mona Eltahawy

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#343464 - 10/28/10 10:50 PM Re: Same Sex Attraction, but What kind? [Re: learning2remember]
DougL Offline


Registered: 09/11/10
Posts: 11
Loc: Bradford, PA USA
I know exactly what you guys are going through. I have struggled myself with them for over thirty years. I am really glad we are discussing this. It has made me realize what was going on.


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#343685 - 10/30/10 03:53 PM Re: Same Sex Attraction, but What kind? [Re: DougL]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Oops I started another post not realizing this one was here.

I don't like women touching me. Does this mean I hate women and therefore look to same sex attraction instead? I like men touching me - well not all men. Does this mean I was taught to like it during the CSA?

NOT sure what is the most simplist way to look at this so I am not going around and around in circles.

_________________________
aka DJsport

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#343855 - 11/01/10 05:06 PM Re: Same Sex Attraction, but What kind? [Re: Avery46]
Shaun The Sheep Offline


Registered: 03/17/10
Posts: 188
Loc: West Coast
*****************************



Edited by Shaun The Sheep (03/30/11 11:55 PM)

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#343859 - 11/01/10 05:36 PM Re: Same Sex Attraction, but What kind? [Re: Shaun The Sheep]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
oops, I am sorry to have hyjacked this post. I entered my post as a repeat of my other post.

Originally Posted By: Shaun the sheep
what are we supposed to do?

I am not saying your supposed to do anything. I was asking a question.

peace,

_________________________
aka DJsport

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