I am wondering how important and helpful it has been to you - gay and straight men to have a marriage or partnership as you explore recovery.

What has been helpful for you or not helpful?

I know intimacy is a huge issue and I wander how to connect with that.

A

Early on in my recovery, I was alone and I'm very glad I was. No one could have stood to be around me. I had nightmares and would wake up screaming half the night. The rest of the time, my anxiety was so high I could barely function. I was afraid to leave the house and fought depression, anger, mood swings. I was on medication that had some awful side effects which would have made sex difficult at best. I often felt rejected by everyone and loved by no one. Some times my cat ran and hid from me. And during this time, I acted out in every way possible and spent more time just chasing porn and anonymous sex.

Then about 11 years ago, my partner and I stumbled into each other. Neither of us were looking for someone at that time and I wasn't even out to myself. Long story but it just happened.

Of course, sex was difficult because this was the first time I had it with someone I cared about and had gotten to know. It wasn't anonymous. Most of sex triggered me and while I could perform for awhile, I'd usually sink down in depression or become very quiet. We learned early on in our relationship that no matter what we were doing, if we got triggered and needed things to stop, all we had to say was stop. We didn't have to explain if we didn't want to. That helped so much give us the control and power to ourselves. It helped us feel safe. We learned ways to explore each other and we took things very slow. For a long time, touch of any kind or a hug would have me nauseated or vomiting. Sometimes a simple touch would leave me running for cover for days.

I had to struggle through a lot to deal with all of this but since my partner is also a survivor, it helped. We understood each other. We never asked each other to be something we weren't and just allowed ourselves to grow individually. Giving ourselves the permission to just be where we were at was so helpful. Yes, it was hard seeing the other suffer at times but we just stood there with open arms of love if they needed it.

The interesting thing by doing all of this is that we both really grew a lot. I'm not sure I would have grown as much at this stage of my recovery if it had not been for meeting my partner. We've been there for each other when the other person has felt like all is lost. We really do accept each other as we are.

Yes, we do have our moments and have had them where things don't always go this smooth. Early on in the relationship, we got into some heated arguments and almost split up. It wasn't until we both began to realize what really mattered and what didn't. The little details in life weren't really that important to split up our relationship.

Lately, we've been going through some more growth moments. I've been struggling in some difficult ways but I know my partner is there for me, even if I get afraid that I'm all alone. He means the world to me.

Intimacy has changed for us and sometime even now, after 11 years, we go through real together times and then times where I'm like leave me alone. It is part of my healing and recovery.

But we so accept and respect each other and that makes a big difference.

Great question Avery.

Don you have left me speechless, but in a good way, haha. Um...

What a beautiful story you told about you and your partner. I am so in awe of you guys, given that despite the adversity you worked through it together. That is so special. Absolutely brilliant.

My situation has been far from this, even though my last relationship lasted 8 years. I won't bore anyone with the details.

I take heart and strength from you Don, your story gives us all hope. Thank you for sharing.

Blaidd, your words of appreciation meann a lot to me. Thank you. That touched my heart today. It took me 35 years to meet my partner and for a long time, I always thought I would be alone forever. We've had our difficult moments but somehow we manage to work through them (of course Jeff is more patient than I am which helps).

This is kind of the deep end of the recovery pool. My difficulties here are always in being able to know what's going on with me, and feel safe enough to do things to try to manage what's going on. Like, say "Ok, stop now" or even "Well, I've got to leave now. Nothing you did, I'll explain later. Bye!" If I don't do that, it's just mysterious and impossible for my partner and expecting too much. Not everyone is like this though.

LandOfShadow, for me it wasn't always easy to do any of this. It evolved over many years and through a lot of tears, anguish and despair. For me to write all of that out would take a very long time.