I just want to say, I am very excited about the show on Oprah. I feel that it has received a lot of criticism for a lot of reasons (i.e. What wasn't done, what wasn't covered, etc) and there is just no way everything can be covered in an hour-long show. I see this as a stepping stone and I applaud her for doing this show. I just want to focus on the positive without a "but..." clause. I am not trying to invalidate anyone's feelings, I just think praise is the way to get things done. I know if I tried to do something to educate people about CSA (wrote a book, etc) and I was criticized for everything I didn't talk about in my book, I would feel pretty hurt. I hope this doesn't sound insensitive.

Maybe this bothers me because in spite of trying to help my ex, I have been told "Yeah I know you care about me BUT you don't do this right or that right." "Yes, you try to understand and you have good intentions BUT you keep hurting me or screwing up." I dunno, those of us who are not survivors cannot POSSIBLY cover all the bases. We also cannot predict everything that might be a trigger or hurt the survivor. That doesn't mean we don't care and it doesn't mean we don't try. I just relate this to the whole Oprah thing a lot.

Being a survivor myself i will share my thoughts about Oprah she is without any doubt an amazing woman , i always loved and respected her however i will only say this without saying to much or giving it away, i had a personal experience with her and i walked away with such a deep respect for her that to this day it bothers me when people say things about her...hope4him i too relate to the entire Oprah , i call it magic - i will miss her so much when her season ends this year, she's an icon that no one will ever be able to emulate.

One point in reading hope4hims comments. I get it and you have a valid point. But you stated as someone who is not a survivor helping someone who is and you get attacked how you feel. But Oprah is a survivor. She has been very open about her own csa. She has been moving in the direction of addressing csa of males after some criticism. My only criticism was her treatment of shawn hornbeck (agreeing not to ask if sh was sa, then asking anyway and putting Bill OReilly on trumpeting his crusade against pedos but won't apologize about his sh liked it comments).

hope4him,

I agree with you about not being able to cover all of the bases. As a survivor with my other survivor brothers, I do NOT and am NOT able to cover all of the bases.

I also wanted to say that "comparing" Oprah's tv show and the mistakes that were made are NOT the same as what your ex was saying. I can only image as I am NOT him - I was once married and have loving friends today who want to help me - the criticism about "recovery" and getting help is very individual. Taking his criticism as criticism is NOT for you to own. He needs to be able heal on his own terms as well as you for being there for him.

Give yourself lots of hugs for being there with him.

Donnie

hope4him, that is why I think it's really helpful to have a group of men to talk and share simular experiences. It's a burden for you to be the listener for everything, and yes, I totally get how you might not "get it", :-) .. In fact, I hope you don't, since I know why you might.

When I disclose, I want people to respond honestly where ever they are at. Even if they are kind of clueless, rather than say nothing or change the suject to something more comfortable.

Has he looked for a men's group to talk in? Or open to it?

The Oprah show experience (I went) was great for me. I just can live with the limitations of a entertainment/talk show/business format because they are making reasonable choices in all that.

When I said that about people who are not survivors, I don't mean Oprah specifically. I'm talking about all the people who work for her (producers, etc) and how they cannot be expected to cover all the bases or respond to survivors in the way survivors need...it's just impossible (as I cannot always understand exactly what my ex needs). I, of course, understand that the Oprah "issues" may be triggers for survivors. My point is just that sometimes supporters (or anyone who might not technically be a "supporter" or loved one) don't always know what things might trigger a survivor. This being said, I am not at all saying the complaints or concerns aren't valid, just that I feel the positive should be focused on too...that the show is happening to begin with is a big deal. I hope my ex sees it or hears about it and watches it. Or that other victims see it...even if not everything about the show is done perfectly. Anyway, I don't want to sound too negative. I am a huge "fan" of all the guys on here for their bravery and willingness to get help and help ME as a supporter. This is a great site and has been a lifesaver for me.

hope4him,

I must admit I was hesitant to interact with family members of survivors when I first came here. It had nothing to do with them but my own issues and I readily see that now. Since then I have let my defenses down some and gotten to know a few here in chat. I have also read things written on this forum.

Over the last year and a half I have seen why I was hesitant. I really did not wish to see things from the perspective that partners of survivors have. I had to do some deep soul searching and look at how I have damaged relationships and walked away from some wonderful people. I have also done an excellent job of running off some as well. I wish I had come here a few years earlier. Maybe I would not have lost the best relationship that I had ever had in my life.

I appreciate those of you who love a survivor and attempt to help them. I have learned a lot by reading the posts on this forum. A lot about myself.


Daryl

Thanks Daryl. I won't lie...it means a lot to be appreciated. Not so much for my own sake, but because I believe survivors would be happier if they were able to let people in their lives love them. Of course, I know this is a huge battle and I won't be unrealistic, but it breaks my heart to see someone I love be lonely and miserable when it doesn't have to be that way.

Oh and, ideally, I think it would be great if there was a forum solely for supporters/loved ones. Not that survivors wouldn't be able to join such a forum, but having a separate one would keep it less "in your face." I worry about posting things that could be triggering, etc. I worry about being in the chat room (being female). The forum within this site is great, but I hope one day there will be a support group/organization for supporters.

I agree with many things you are saying hope4him. We have actually talked before and we have a similar situation. The survivor I love is my ex as well. I stayed with him for quite some time b/c I thought I would be able to "protect" him from destroying himself anymore. I have since realized that I can't. Only he can save himself. I don't think that either side will ever know what it is like for the other. While I know it is hard for a survivor ( I would never try to even compare the two) it is also very hard to be someone that loves a survivor. You lose a part of yourself at times b/c you are so focused on the person you love. All you want is to take away their pain, sorrow and everything else but you know you can't.

If you ever want/need to talk feel free to message me.

I agree. I have learned to take care of myself (sometimes I forget, and I pay for it through mental and emotional exhaustion...sometimes even physically exhausted). I feel that if I take care of myself and have time to "be me"...by myself...and do my own hobbies, hang out with my friends, concentrate on my own work, etc, that when it IS a good time to be supportive, I am much more able to be a helpful and understanding person.

hope4him,

I really enjoy your presence here on the db and in chat. I have NEVER had a female care for me as I see you care about your ex by being here. I think it is great your here. It is a challenge for me as a survivor to not be triggered by your presence but that is for me to get over NOT you. Learning to get through the triggers is what is healing. I know what I am saying is NOT fair to you. I know that I have triggered others in chat and probably on the db's. None of us want to trigger or hurt others.

This forum your posting in is for "families/friends" of survivors. There is a separate room in chat for families and friends if you need support from other supporters with no survivors in the room.

Donnie

Thanks Donnie. Don't worry about anything you said...I'm not offended. And if any of the guys ever needs us girls to leave the chatroom, I encourage you to let us know (politely of course). I have tried the family and friends chatroom but there is rarely anyone in there, unfortunately.

Hope,

When I was in Chicago last week, it was the first time I met spouses and partners of survivors. And one very special lady broke my heart when she said she loved her husband, wanted to help, and felt she was being pushed away.

I wanted it to be just us guys. Until I met her. Then I realized, for the first time, we are all in this together.

Yes, there are times I will only want to talk to male survivors. But I am so floored by the caring you ladies and the gay partners of survivors show. And your own suffering in dealing with this nightmare. To stick with us proves you are made of really strong stuff.

You are such an important part of this process!

I have been watching this topic and would like to finally respond. I too was part of the show and I cannot convey how powerful the healing was/is. It transformed me to find my strong voice and say without shame I am a survivor and I was and a victim and I no longer hide in fear, shame and despair. I also just posted on my Facebook page. I will post it here.

I have a debt of gratitude to all my brothers here and especially to those I met in Chicago. You empowered all of us and the validation I felt to look at another man in person who actually understood me melted away years of pain and helped me to feel a connection that shall always be in my memory. I am one of six guys from Buffalo and again I thank you all. I will now send a message to Oprah and share my gratitude. I encourage others if you have not already done so.
No more secrets!
Hugs,
Dan

It will likely be the typical sinereo, most were molested as by Males though Oprah may slip in one or two at the most who were molested by females and the perps will be their own mothers.

I haven't watched tv in 12 years, and my friends don't own a tv either (they are very athletic/outdoorsy too) so I will miss it. Unlike most shows, Oprah for some reason doesn't allow us to watch her episodes online except for some small snippets she allows to be viewed (unless somethings changed in the last few yrs) Last time I watched her she berated James Ray or Frey the guy who wrote the book "A million little pieces" who was abused so to say I was unimpressed is an understatement. Ok rant over, sorry for being a wet blanket. I hope everyone gets to watch it who wants to and i am glad for those it helped and will help

I thought the reason she berated him was because much of his memoir was untrue? (not little stuff either)

Oprah was one of the people who helped promote his book through her endorsement, believing it to be a true story. Once the truth came out that much of it was fabricated, I suppose she felt betrayed. I believe that is what was behind how she dealt with him on the said show. I am not making judgment one way or the other on how that all went down with James Frey (it was a good fiction book, but it was being pushed as a true story), but that is the background.

Ah...that makes sense.

I ,too went out to Chicago on the Oprah Winfrey show and i am STILL numb to all i went through , i am not sure if its normal or if its a process that we all are on our own path , i was so overwhelmed, it's taken me weeks to finally share with MS about how the experience was, i cried the entire taping, i was torn inside i doubted myself as to if i even belonged there, all the men who were there had their stories of pain , i had my own , yet a small part of me felt as though my story was not painful enough , this kept running through my head over and over , i know being on the show was a blessing for me yet why did i feel this way,when the men held up their pictures of themselves i couldnt because my picture didnt develop,i was so disapointed , anyway i guess it was meant to be for me to be on the show but i will not forget how little a felt when i felt as though my pain didnt measure up to others, almost as though i didnt hurt enough and everyone elses was worse then my own.However i did walk away from the show thinking that i matter and no one can take that away from me.

I was there too and remember feeling like my abuse wasn't as bad as the men interviewed. Then I started feeling inadequate because I didn't get a chance to speak from the audience and that I had chosen a poor place to sit. I think that the experience brought everything so close to the surface, that all my feelings were so raw that all my insecurities took over. But, on the plane, on the way home I realized I was a different person. Recognizing that we all shared so much despite being from such different backgrounds gave me a great sense of self-worth, that my place in the world is just as important as anyone else's. I felt as though I had been out of focus all my life and suddenly someone turned the lens and I was clear and solid.It took me a week or more to incorporate it into my view of who I am but I've done it and I'm glad. Ron.

Ron - I know that all the crap we went through as kids will always effect us , i guess it's a choice as to how much of it i will chose to let it effect me, its a lot easier said then done , living in my skin at times is torture because i hate knowing i was abused yet other times i have no problems with it because its who i am and i cant change that, however it all depends on my mood, boy can life throw you a curve ball at times huh ? Sometimes i still think about the excitement i felt when i was the little boy just wanting to hang out with my little brother and then he'd tell me he wanted nothing to do with me, i was so devastated, thats what i felt like when i couldn't hold up my picture at the Oprah show i didnt feel a part of...it is what it is i guess....Rich

Fair enough if that was the way it was before, for the farewell season you get between 1-3 weeks to watch a full episode depending on what it's about and this one is up there on Oprah.com for the moment, and not likely to be removed before Part 2 finishes airing.

But yes after three weeks to a month it's clips and tran>