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#34292 - 11/15/03 03:24 PM Letter to my mother
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
I wanted to share this here, as I know it is something very personal of me, I can not be objective of it. So, if anyone can give me advice on it, if it is too harsh or such, please, can you tell me? I wish to send this soon, but I want it to be right.

Leosha


Mom,

I am sorry that this is difficult to you. I wish I do not have to make that happen. I do love you. I am your son, I am your child. I do not wish to cause you hurt or pain, I do not wish to be accusing or hateful of you or even of father. You were here mom, you know what is happening, some.

You tell me that I make this hard for you. I am sorry of that. But do you understand, that you make this hard at me? And that you help make life hard at me, by staying with father for so long, by letting him do what he does at us. All those years, you make it hard at me, and then, I am child, I can not deal of it as well as you can now. You are grownup, you can deal of things, of hurts, of stress and of memories and history of past. Yes, I am grown up now also. But what I deal of now, the history I try deal of now, it is of childhood, and you are part of that. I am sorry that I maybe let my anger out at you sometime. I know that you do not deserve that anger, at least most time you do not. I am trusting that you are my mom, that I am your child, and that you love me enough to tolerate the anger I may give.

I know that it brings up memories to you also, when I call you or write you, to ask of somethings I remember or think of. I am sorry of that, I do not want to have to make you live through bad things again. Can you believe me though, that I do not do this in deliberate attempt to harm you? But mom, I need to know what is real in my head, and what is maybe from bad dreams, bad thoughts. Thank you so much to help me with that, to help me know more what is true and what is just fears.

I know that you had difficulty of your own in childhood. Please know, it is not that I discount that at all, that I do not wish that you did not have your own memories and history to deal of. I am sorry of that. And I am glad that gran and granpy were good parents of you. It is not that I wish you had more difficulties. Please though, please do understand that right now, I am needing to deal of my issues, before I can be any good to deal of any others, or to be the son you deserve.

I wish that I can understand more, more of why you stay with him, and how you do not see what he does that is such bad. I know that you are smart, and that you are good mom, you are mom who loves, and that you know what he does is wrong for child, for anyone. And after you lose one son to him, I do not at all understand how you stay? I know that you feared of him, as I did, as Makar did, as gran did. But I would always think that fear will make you leave him, not to stay and let him do what he does at us. I am not making this to sound as you are bad person, or bad mom. I just can not understand it so much. He kill your child. I know that you do not like to think of that, I know that it hurts you to remember him. But it is only now, only this year that I can remember of him, all this time, and I do not wish to lose that again. Can you understand me on this?

He steal so much of my life mommy. He steal so much of my brain, of my body. He put so much fear and bad thoughts in my head, I almost die because of what he and M make me think of myself. So, not only does he kill me, my brain and my soul, then. He almost get me to kill my body now, all these years later. And, you did stay with him. Even seeing what he do to me, do to Makar, you choose to stay with him. So I have to worry, sometime, that I am not so important to you.

There is something I need say at you. And something I need to hear of you. What you do to me, the touching me as you did, Mom, that was wrong. No, you did not cause physical hurt or pain, you did not cause bleeding or such. But that was wrong touch, it was going against my boundaries, and you know that to be true. I need you to admit that. Not that you meant to hurt me, I do not think that you did. But I need you to admit that what you did was wrong. If you can not do that for me, then perhaps it will be best that you do not have a son at all no more. What you did to me, to confuse my body and brain so much more, you betrayed me more then anyone else. Because I loved and trusted you to be right to me.

You say I disappoint you with my decision now, that I am being selfish to not think of how it affects you and the rest of the family. I am sorry to let you down, or be disappointment of you. I know that I will not be making the same money I might if I had chosen otherwise. But my physical and mental health can not deal with it no more, and I need to do something that is easier to me. If that is something quite offensive at you, then again, perhaps you will be better without a son at all.

I need your response to this, Mom, however it will be. I think that I deserve that respect from you. Perhaps you feel differently of it. To have you not respond at me, I suppose in some way, that will also tell me how you feel. I do mean this Mom. I do love you, and want to continue to have you in my life, and want our relationship to be good, better then it is now. But I need it to be honest also. I am sorry if it is selfish of me to put my needs here as this. But on this, I can not back away of it. These are needs I must have met, or can not continue in relationship with you. Please take your time, and respond as you truly and honestly feel.

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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#34293 - 11/15/03 03:40 PM Re: Letter to my mother
theo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/28/03
Posts: 1117
leosha,
do not change a single word.

_________________________
journey well,
theo dewolfe

- It is gift, and gift will find its way
- I inherit through my choice. I build through my affirmation. It is through my freedom that I nurture, or fade into autonomy
- I was not given to serve life, but to embrace it

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#34294 - 11/15/03 06:44 PM Re: Letter to my mother
FlyWM Offline
Member

Registered: 09/14/03
Posts: 322
Loc: Michigan
I think this is a great way to say it all buddy. You did very well writing this, I feel it is very good the way it is, however, be sure you will be able to handle you mom's reply before you send it, be sure you will be able to handle any response, whether it is good, or bad. BUt I am proud of you for writing this letter buddy, I am very proud of you. It is ver good, and tells her the truth, but as I said, be sure you will be able to handle any reply before you send it.

scott

_________________________
Impossible is just a big word thrown around by small men who find it easier to live in the world they've been given than to explore the power they have to change it. Impossible in not a declaration, it's a dare.

--Adidas

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#34295 - 11/15/03 07:34 PM Re: Letter to my mother
bountiful1 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/03
Posts: 60
Loc: New York, New York, USA
I am crying. That is beautiful - just like it is!

Best from Asher

_________________________
We are such stuff as dreams are made on, and I dream of freedom and happiness and fulfillment for us all.

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#34296 - 11/15/03 08:30 PM Re: Letter to my mother
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
Leosha, it is clear that you are a very loving and caring man. Your letter does not berate your Mother, but it does ask for honesty and understanding.

The advice to be certain that you can handle ANY response, or no response is important. You have been terribly harmed in several ways for many years. You do not need any more pain in your life.

All I can add is that you should show the letter to your therapist and let your therapist help you to be ready for any response you might receive.

It is a beautiful letter Alexei. You are very courageous as we look at all you have done in this past six or seven months. It is an honor to know you in this way. Please be good to yourself, take things slowly when you need to. Take good care of your health.

Peace to you young friend.

Bob

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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#34297 - 11/15/03 09:29 PM Re: Letter to my mother
zoltin Offline
Member

Registered: 10/13/03
Posts: 37
Loc: Southern Illinois
Leosha,

I too am weeping. How wonderful for you. Such a genuine man you are. I feel in you such a beautiful heart. I am honored to know you also. Please take all the time you need, buddy, and be good to yourself. I like to use symbols for hugs - here come your hugs:

<<>>
from RickB


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#34298 - 11/21/03 03:19 PM Re: Letter to my mother
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
Thank you, all who read and responded. I first thought I was prepared for any outcome, for any response she might make, even to tell me she hates me and never wish to speak to me again, even if she refuse to to respond. Right now, I realize I am not at all ready for that. I am going to 'sit' on the letter for a while, until I am feeling stronger. Perhaps by then, I will have other things to say, or other ways to say them. But I do so much appreciate the advice given me. Thank you very much.

leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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