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#34280 - 01/13/03 12:55 PM Re: struggles
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Jeff
As I read your last post I was thinking of a possible reply as I went along, but you beat me to it.

My view is the same as yours, you need a different therapist.
From what you say you 'know' all the ideas and all the reasons etc, but you can't quite connect them to you. I think it's the lack of an emotional link that's stopping the connection.

My therapist led me to experience emotions in a way I never believed possible, a lot of my childhood emotions and a host of new adult ones flooded through me.
He told me nothing really, gave very, very little advice but just let me associate emotions with my memories and ideas. That way I learned which to fear or hate, and I learned which to love, enjoy and trust.
I learned how to appreciate the emotion of a snowy day, a smiling child, and not just register those visions as 'nice'.

You know they're there, hiding from you. Just go looking.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#34281 - 01/13/03 01:03 PM Re: struggles
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
One_Day'

welcome to our site, and it's good to have you here while you are young as well, it makes a lot of difference.
Check out the "Out of Place" topic, it's an interesting one for you young guys.

I hope we make a difference for you and add to the healing therapy will bring. There's great support here, even from the old farts. ;\)

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#34282 - 01/13/03 02:08 PM Re: struggles
zadok1 Offline
Member

Registered: 11/05/02
Posts: 188
Loc: Ohio
yes, welcome to the site. i wish i had started so young, maybe i would have figured all this out long ago. i dont want to sound totally hopeless, because i am much better off now than before i started dealing with the past. i am hung up on the polishing and finishing touches of things.

_________________________
The world is a dangerous place, not because of those that are evil, but because of those who do nothing about them- Albert Einstein

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#34283 - 01/13/03 02:12 PM Re: struggles
michaelb Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/01
Posts: 211
Loc: cincinnati, ohio
I always thought it was just me feeling like i was living out a greek tragedy....but from reading your post, i know you feel the same way....

i had always been in sales until i became ill.....daily during sales calls, i was able to put on my mask and become a cheerful, enjoyable person to be around....but once i came home and removed the "mask" i was full of despair.....Parties have always been the worst for me because it feels like those other people are "just acting" happy....can anybody really be that full of happiness?????? i know i cannot........maybe if i was drunk, i might be able to pretend to be that happy, but i'm certain there is no other way.....IS THERE????????????????

sad, but true you are not alone......michael


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#34284 - 01/13/03 03:14 PM Re: struggles
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
One day at a time, I'm not glad for why you're here but I'm glad you're here. Welcome to MS.

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#34285 - 01/13/03 04:49 PM Re: struggles
Don-NY Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/06/02
Posts: 546
Loc: Long Island, NY
Quote:
Where is my happiness?

there is an empty spot deep inside
Jeff,

This post has struck me deeply. I don't know if I can answer clearly, but I will try.

I must try, because I am writing this from that spot deep inside me.

I have entered this spot voluntarily because in my search for my happiness I have realized that it is not missing, and this spot is not empty.

It is filled with things, both wonders and horrors that have been walled off from the rest of me. They are here but they are, or were, disconnected.

Recovery for me has been all about reconnecting to everything in this spot. It is painful and difficult because what gets connected to first is all the negatives; Pain, anger, fear.

No, those words are not strong enough. I should say Agony, Rage, and Terror. All in this spot, all tangled up with things like joy and happiness and a sense of self worth; with love and passion and compassion and faith.

My happiness is here. I know this. But I also know that I do not recognize it.

I am beginning to wonder if it can be recognized. I am starting to think that it is something which is mostly experienced in contrast. By this I mean that it takes reflection, in the absence of its opposites to be appreciated.

I am feeling that as I have connected to the agony and rage and terror, they have weakened. But something else has occurred.

New pathways, new channels into this spot have been created. I find myself in tears almost every day, sometimes more than once. But they are not often tears of pain or grief. Usually, they are tears of relief or of joy or simply an overwhelming sense of the rightness of my own existence.

You ask, "Where is my happiness?"

I ask, "What is my happiness?". "What is happiness itself?" It took me a long time to realize that "Not being happy is not the same thing as being unhappy".

For decades, I have believed that my happiness would be this:
Quote:
At home my baby looked up at me with his clear eyes, smiled and laughed as I made some silly face, and that chilly night, my wife rolled close and put her arm over me.
Now, this may never come to be for me, but it brings me great joy and happiness, and tears too, that another Survivor has these things and appreciates them.

Quote:
Am I destined to spend my life as an actor, playing my part in this Greek play that always ends with the hero's death?
Yes, you are. We all are, but I don't believe that this is a tragedy. The end, our death is inevitable, that is a given.

But when it comes to life, I think the only tragedy is when we let events, or someone else, or their actions, become our Director.

It is you who must be the Director, and whenever possible, the writer also.

We have extra burdens to learn this. With luck, most people assume these roles by the time they are physically mature, others take longer - some never learn.

Our tragedies are behind us. Having survived them makes us better and stronger than the general population, and in a sad, almost perverse way gives us a better understanding of what matters and what truly has value.
Quote:

The heart may freeze or it can burn
The pain will ease if I can learn
There is no future
There is no past
I live this moment as my last
There's only us
There's only this
Forget regret
Or life is yours to miss
No other road
No other way
No day but today
--From the musical "Rent", by Jonathon Larson
And all this to say, Your Happiness is Within You. It is in that spot that seems empty. Go there and find it.

It may not be what you expect. And even if it remains invisible, you will feel it.

Only you can do this. Only you will recognize it.

_________________________
If you understand everything, some things are just as they are. If you understand nothing, things are still just as they are.

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#34286 - 01/13/03 07:32 PM Re: struggles
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
some days I feel the spot more than others, although I didn't realise it was 'the spot'.
It was just the 'empty space' that Jeff described so well.

But Don's given me a name for it, told me what I can expect to find there. And that makes a difference because when the spot makes itself known I can now look for something good there, and try to ignore the bad.

Thanks for that Don and Jeff.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#34287 - 01/14/03 07:39 AM Re: struggles
Muldoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
Don This is so true for me also
Quote:
I find myself in tears almost every day, sometimes more than once. But they are not often tears of pain or grief. Usually, they are tears of relief or of joy or simply an overwhelming sense of the rightness of my own existence.
My T helped me find the link to my feeling and i have released much of the pain , Now i see the simple act of love between a mother and a child or a beautiful moment in mother nature i sometimes just start crying. My life is far from being happy but I have learned to find those moments of happyness to bring into this mixed up life.
Shit Jeff you talken about your kid smiling up at you got me in one of those moments of joy and tears. Jeff as Dave said You know they're there, hiding from you. Just go looking.

Emotions is what it is all about . Happy hunting. Muldoon

_________________________
Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

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#34288 - 01/14/03 08:04 AM Re: struggles
zadok1 Offline
Member

Registered: 11/05/02
Posts: 188
Loc: Ohio
i really try to be possitive, and there are good times like the morning my son was born. all i could do was stand there with tears running down my face. for weeks all i had to do is look at him, and i was off again. that was my greatest moment.

then there was my wedding. what a fantastic memory, and a great moment to live. there are others naturally, and i try to tap in to them to bring myself up.

i have tried to act my way to success, by being more upbeat and possitive, but it all just feels so phoney. perhaps, i am not ready to feel such things. maybe i just need to feel sorry for myself for now. i dont know really.

thanks for cheering me up some though, all of you.

_________________________
The world is a dangerous place, not because of those that are evil, but because of those who do nothing about them- Albert Einstein

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#34289 - 01/14/03 12:54 PM Re: struggles
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Quote:
but it all just feels so phoney.
They're not phoney at all, just new.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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