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#34270 - 01/10/03 06:37 AM struggles
zadok1 Offline
Member

Registered: 11/05/02
Posts: 188
Loc: Ohio
i sometimes feel as though i come across as having all the answers, or full of myself. after reading and working so hard, i can talk a good game, but i am still very much struggling like everyone else here. here is an outtake from my journal.

Perhaps it is heartache over having lost my ring, but more than ever I feel hopeless this morning. It is like there just isnít any point in continuing to fight. I mean, at best I can control my actions day after day, but will I ever truly be happy inside. I guess that is why I relate to Equus so much. Every character in it seems to reflect how I feel in part. From the doctor struggling with a mysterious mask he dawns in dreams each night, to the pain the boy feels over expression and capture by passions he canít master.

Just because I have a little faith, I donít want everyone to get the wrong impression. I am still very confused and feel isolated and alone. There is this mask I dawn for the world, one where I say and do the things the world expects of me. To keep from hurting others with my pain and despair, my mask has a big smile on it, and a kind loving expression. With each passing day it slips a little, comes loose at the mooring. I cannot keep it in place at times, but what lies beneath is frightening to me. My real face is unhappy and depressed, and all the knowledge in the world fails to change what lies beneath.

I read the books, and know what I should be, and how I should feel, but what if I never really feel it? Like some sort of actor, I can play the part, and walk the walk, but what if I never really feel anything but loneliness and unhappiness? All the knowledge about God, about my self, and the psycho-babble that serves to attempt addressing this leaves me every bit as empty deep down as I ever was. Oh, I talk a good game, having educated myself in the ways of mind and body, but when will my emotions and feelings follow suit? Am I destined to spend my life as an actor, playing my part in this Greek play that always ends with the heroís death? Will I forever drag around the inner pain that all the work in the world never seems to heal?

Calming voices of wisdom, explanations of how and why have offered little in the form of true inner peace. Where is my happiness? I cannot help but feel that abuse and addiction have forever robbed me of any chance of knowing it. All the therapy and good intentions in the world cannot change what is at the core of who I am. Now I struggle to become assertive and open up emotionally, because that is what I am supposed to do. What if that doesnít make me happy? What will the next struggle be? I have defeated masturbation, porn and fantasy; have remade my world to conform with standards that say normal, and yet none of my victories has made me happy inside. What if after all the hard work, I completely remake myself, and still am unhappy? Is happiness and comfort so much to ask in life?

despite all the knowledge about my body and mind i have put together, i still struggle. in that we share a kinship, as in the abuse that caused it all. i dont know what the past is so hard to overcome, but it is. i wish everyone here peace and happiness, something i havent found yet.

jeff- zadok1 \:\(

_________________________
The world is a dangerous place, not because of those that are evil, but because of those who do nothing about them- Albert Einstein

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#34271 - 01/10/03 08:02 AM Re: struggles
RJD Offline
Member

Registered: 02/18/01
Posts: 326
Loc: jefferson City, Mo,usa
Jeff your words are powerfully healing for me and I'll write more later. Thank you for the words from your heart. Thank jou for walking this confusing path with the rest of us, I feel less alone because you are here. I welcome you to share your sadness, pain and depression. I feel honored by your trust.


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#34272 - 01/10/03 10:48 AM Re: struggles
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Jeff, I ditto what RJD says.

Your faith is real, your struggles are real.

Thanks for sharing both with us in a real way. May doing so bring you hope & healing.

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#34273 - 01/10/03 12:31 PM Re: struggles
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Jeff

Quote:
Now I struggle to become assertive and open up emotionally,
If what you've shared with us there isn't assertive and emotional - why am I crying ?

Your emotions ARE there Jeff, they must be to have written that, but something is still keeping them trapped. What ? I don't know - but I know it can't be long untill you find out.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#34274 - 01/10/03 02:10 PM Re: struggles
zadok1 Offline
Member

Registered: 11/05/02
Posts: 188
Loc: Ohio
thank you guys. it is hard sometimes, because for all the things i have learned, i just dont feel a whole lot better. everytime i think i am about to rise above what was, something drags me back down. even when i am flying high, there is an empty spot deep inside. my wife can't fill it, my faith can't fill it, and it sometimes feels like nothing will ever fill it. oh well, i have to get outa here for the weekend. i hope everyone has a safe and happy one, and will look in on monday.

jeff

_________________________
The world is a dangerous place, not because of those that are evil, but because of those who do nothing about them- Albert Einstein

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#34275 - 01/10/03 03:12 PM Re: struggles
RJD Offline
Member

Registered: 02/18/01
Posts: 326
Loc: jefferson City, Mo,usa
Iím sorry the pain of hopelessnes is visiting you today. For me that was
a turning point in my recovery when I felt I could no longer fight. Iím sorry to
say I was not able to see that for quite a while after the event when I could
get some perspective. For me it was a time when I was too emotionally
exhausted to keep up my defenses anymore, and all I wanted to do is cry.
A saying I have heard that AA uses is ďbeing sick and tired of being sick and
tired.Ē

Are You seeing a therapist at this time jeff?

By the way, the movie Equus was significant for me too on many levels
especially as a survivor and artist. If I healed, would I loose my artistic
passion forever? Was healing worth that sacrifice?

What has carried me through my recovery was my creativity and my art,
although it suffered my wrath too. I did not know at the time there is a link
between creative expresion and spirituality, (donít tell anyone I said this.)
They both have to do with the soul as I see it. I hated my creativity most of
my life, but it leaked out of me everywhere I went and in everything I did.
I was ashamed of it. I tried and tried to distance myself from it, but there it
was again, and again. I admire the fact that you at least have as you said
ďa little faithĒ though from your writing I suspect itís like me saying ďI have a l
ittle creativity.Ē

I wore a mask when I was a big shoulder for everyone else to cry on. I felt
I needed this mask because I was hiding my shame. It was the shame that
if other people really ever got to know me, they couldnít possibly love me - ever.
Another reason for another of my masks is as the author John Bradshaw
describes when children are expected to do something that is beyond their
capacity to understand. If I recall correctly, he said it is like the phony fearful
feeling of a lifeguard who does not know how to swim and is facing a crowded
beach. Someone is going to find him out.

Are you loveable jeff? Do you feel that at your core?

I certainly donít know what will make you happy jeff, but I feel honored that
you let me see behind your mask and know that you are not happy.


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#34276 - 01/10/03 03:36 PM Re: struggles
al Offline
Member

Registered: 01/08/03
Posts: 143
Loc: canada
"I wore a mask when I was a big shoulder for everyone else to cry on. I felt
I needed this mask because I was hiding my shame. It was the shame that
if other people really ever got to know me, they couldnít possibly love me - ever."

Unfortunately I can sure relate to this....fortunately someone else understands.

_________________________
Those who dance appear insane to those who cannot hear the music. Mark Kleiman

Kites rise highest against the wind, not with it. Winston Churchill

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#34277 - 01/10/03 09:58 PM Re: struggles
MrDon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/08/01
Posts: 957
Loc: Deltona, FL
Maybe when you write what you do, it is your way of processing it, working through it and healing from things that are very close to your own life. I often find that when I respond to something on a forum like this, that I am healing myself in many ways.

Don

_________________________
In order to journey to new worlds, we must first be willing to lose site of the shore.

The Mind Body Thoughts Blog
http://mindbodythoughts.blogspot.com/

Check out my relaxing piano music from the heart!
http://www.donshetterly.com

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#34278 - 01/13/03 07:35 AM Re: struggles
zadok1 Offline
Member

Registered: 11/05/02
Posts: 188
Loc: Ohio
I read so much here that I can relate to, including everyoneís struggles with God. I understand the trauma and pain that could drive any belief from a person, and relate to a personís choice not to believe. In many ways I almost envy you if you have such deep convictions and feelings. At least you feel something, anything.

You know, it is hard to be so passionate about life, and yet so totally empty. Over the weekend, I was walking as the snow fell briskly around me. Fat, gray clouds swirled and looped over me, and I thought how fantastic the world is, and how beautiful that moment was. I marveled at creation, and thought how I will miss it all when my time here is through. At home my baby looked up at me with his clear eyes, smiled and laughed as I made some silly face, and that chilly night, my wife rolled close and put her arm over me. All this time, I was thinking how much I had to be thankful and happy for, but inside I donít feel that way.

I have concluded that it is wrong for me to expect myself to feel any certain way. That is a mistake in my opinion, because I am expecting something my body and mind isnít ready to give. I walked away from therapy after two years, in part because I didnít feel I was getting much more from it. It is hard to invest the time and money into it when week after week feels stagnant. I mean at first, I learned a bunch about my self, my past and who I was, but after a while, it turned into simply a word game. I should feel this, or look at things like that, but what if I donít? What if after all the work I am still empty and unhappy?

Right there is my problem in a nutshell, I have put in so much work, and still havenít found what makes me happy; I mean real deep inside happy, not painted on pretend to be happy. I know God, know why I am here in this body, know what I want out of life, and have taken great pains to define it all, but I still cannot tell you what will make me truly happy. Like Jake said in another post, I feel detached even after all the therapy, reading, praying and hoping. I wonder if I can ever be happy.

ďPassions like his are not plasters that can be reaffixed at will, attached to whatever we choose. Real passion can be destroyed but never created.Ē Quote from Equus.

I thought I knew passion. I looked inside and drew on every ounce of strength I had. I worked and trained until I was fit and strong. I battled and raced as a runner and cyclist, even rising to semi-pro, and thought I had passion. I feel like an artist. I can cook with passion, train with passion, and write with passion. I can paint and work with wood. I am gifted with a little intellect, and good hands. I donít have the doubts about God that some do. I have every reason in the world to be happy, and to be loved, why donít I feel it? Have I been so damaged that even after uncovering the abuse, talking about it, and trying to deal with it, feeling loved and complete is beyond me? I guess when I find those answers, I will have found the key to life for myself.

Like many, I realize that I need to get back into therapy with someone new, but have run up bills, and donít think I can afford it. Last time I was far better off, and could manage the half my insurance didnít pay, but now I donít think so. A new baby, a new van, and all the related expenses have left me with very little to spare, and I certainly canít handle any more. As usual, I sacrifice for everyone, and do without so that they can have what they need. Oh well, thatís a manís place isnít it?

_________________________
The world is a dangerous place, not because of those that are evil, but because of those who do nothing about them- Albert Einstein

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#34279 - 01/13/03 12:54 PM Re: struggles
one_day_at_a_time Offline
Member

Registered: 01/03/03
Posts: 42
Loc: North Carolina
OMG-
I am a new member to male survivor and that posting sums up my life--I am only 19 and I have recently began to deal with the many problems I have because of my abuse--I have not been to therapy yet and I plan to start soon. Your posting is exactly how I feel, I always seem happy but then it seems like I never truly am. Like there is always something keeping me down no matter how hard I try to fight it. Thank you for letting me know I am not alone

_________________________
I found God

now I just need to find myself

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