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#342173 - 10/15/10 09:19 AM Visiting time
Marley Offline


Registered: 10/06/10
Posts: 54
I am putting this here because I read the post on what age is considered an adult. While I do not specifically have anything to add to that post, reading it sparked some new memories and emotions that I have been holding onto with regard to my own personal account of CSA and ASA and how they relate.

For the record, at 41 I still don't feel like an adult sometimes.

While incarcerated my father, my child hood abuser, came to visit me frequently. I hated his visits.

On many occasions I simply would not show up for the visit or I would request that his visit be canceled. But there were also many times that I needed him. Very hard to admit that.

With all of the agony and torment he put me through it pained me immensely to feel that way. For some reason it comforted me to see him, to talk with him, to have that outside connection.

Many times I would get the feeling that he only came to be a part of my pain and misery. He never said that but he did not have too. He would ask all the right questions. “How are they treating you? Is anyone giving you a hard time? Any problems with the other guys?” Things like that.

He never cared all that much about me to begin with so I imagine that in his sick and corrupt mind he wanted to hear of my anguish. He wanted to feel that he was somehow still taking part of my mistreatment, still in control, still powerful.

I never told him much.

I was not the only one there with childhood abuse issues in fact I would be willing to say that nearly 70% had the same typd of events in their lives. But since mine had become common knowledge and used against me regularly, I was almost guaranteed to have a “visit” after a visit from my dad.

The “visit” would often times involve three other inmates and one of the guards. They would want to know all about the conversation I had with my father, they would want to know if he tried anything with me, or if I wanted him too. frown

Depending upon the time of day and day of the week, they would lead me to a vacant place, the man who acted as the person in charge of this small group would make me call him “Daddy”. He would force me to recreate the abuse I had endured as a child.

They would laugh at me as I became upset and distressed. They would tell me outrages lies like were planning to have my father come in to join them in the act at some point. Even though I knew that was an impossibility, the fear that was instilled in me made me irrational.

In some small way I felt like my father still had the power to hurt me. Even though he had no information and no influence over the events of that time. At twenty years old I felt like I was still six, seven, eight…

There was nothing I could do about it.

Marley



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#342234 - 10/16/10 10:05 AM Re: Visiting time [Re: Marley]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
Marley,

As I shared with you I worked in a halfway house for some time. To this day it is one of the most memorable jobs that I ever had. The time I spent with those guys - the many conversations -still is well remembered. What bothered me so much about working there was the attitude by so many towards the men.

I was naive enough to think when I took the job that it would be a great opportunity to help some adjust to life outside of prison. I soon found out that this was a for profit deal that only saw the men as commodoties and not men in need of help in gaining a second chance. I liked the men I worked with but not my fellow workers.

I agree with you about the high amount of those abused who end up in prison. Some of the guys talked to me about childhood physical and or sexual abuse. Others I suspected it to be true for them as well. It was never something they wished to discuss in groups but just one on one. I came to have high respect for many of them and have often wondered what ever happened to them.

I am so glad you are sharing your experiences and issues here. It makes me feel even stronger on something that I have been pondering for a long time. I wrote it out here but will post it separately since I feel I would be hi-jacking your thread and intent.

Your father was one sick individual who hurt you and then apparently contined to hurt you. I hope you have made yourself safe from him now in all ways.

You have my respect for what you have endured. I am glad you are here and sharing.


Daryl

_________________________
Broad statements often miss their true mark.

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#342604 - 10/21/10 08:43 AM Re: Visiting time [Re: prisonerID]
Marley Offline


Registered: 10/06/10
Posts: 54
I have not been able to re-address this post since I put it here. I am glad I got this out and I am sick to my stomach knowing it is out here.

Anyway.. Daryl,

Yes you and I have spoken about your work, I will say with most certainly that you my friend are one of the few exceptions. Not every individual is out to hurt someone, but most of them are simply there for a paycheck.

Even most of the staff doctors and therapists only show up to do their jobs out of necessecity and not genuine caring. I know this is not the case with everyone, only the ones I’ve had the pleasure of knowing, yes, that was sarcastic.

Commodoties? Aren’t commodities valuable, in demand and worth something? I would say they only see the men as numbers and dare I say, objects.

My father has been out of the picture for many years.

Unfortunately he left me with a legacy of bad memories and confusion.

I am glad my sharing of memories and experiences is helping in some way.

Marley



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