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#342586 - 10/20/10 10:47 PM my troubled adolescence
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
I will begin this by saying I had a pretty good start to my adolescence - age 13.

At age 11, I fell in love with Slade - another boy in my neighborhood who was my age. We would play around, go camping, fish, ride motor bikes, ski, play pool with his brother - who was a cool guy. This was a great friendship. I was living in ND at this time.

It all ended when my mom announced she was filing for divorce from my dad when I was 14. My mom was dissatisfied with my dad for not giving her enough attention so she wanted to get him into counseling and he would NOT go so forcing divorce proceedings was to make him go. Well she and I ended up moving 900 miles away from my dad to CO. She had developed two golf sized tumors on her liver so with my dad being in the military she got her surgery done for free.

My mom decided that she could hang out at the truck stop after her surgery where she ended up in the back of some semis. Within a year she and I would move to TN to follow one of the truckers she met. I hated TN as I was being bullied for being gay so I left TN and moved back to ND to be with my dad. Within a few weeks my mom would attempt suicide. This was during my sophomore year. She called me that night from the hospital to say she needed me so, I would fly back to TN. I wanted to be with my dad so, she moved me and her back to ND.

Within a year of being back in ND she would meet and marry her 2nd husband. She met him at work. She was a mental health activities coordinator and he was her client. He was a bona fide paranoid schizophrenic. As I talked this through this morning with a very good friend from here, I realize he "groomed" her. She would bring him home, for him to have a place to stay while she went to work as a bar maid at a local social establishment.

*****triggers****

Within the first hour of her being gone he told me to get undressed after talking with me about sex and MB. When I did respond to his request he told me that I had sex with my mom. I had no idea about his diagnosis or what he was getting at so I said nothing. He then said your gay huh. I froze. Nothing more was said that night. I would NOT see him again until a month later after they got married. Yes, she married him in a secret ceremony in the activities room at her work. He moved in that night. She would go to work at 8 that night. Within 5 minutes he told me I was still having sex with my mom. I said no I was not. He said then your gay. I knew I was gay but not sure why stated it. Within a couple of minutes of silence and him leaving to go to bathroom he said to come here. He asked me - you love your mom huh. I said yes. He said your gay so take off your pants. I froze. He grabbed me and took them off for me. He was already naked and I was frightened. He had a hard-on and I was intrigued. He would get behind me, whisper in my ear, "if you don't want your mom hurt then you will do as I say." He then told me to kneel in front of him. I would do this for him multiple times as this was better than getting what I would next. I stopped doing the bj thing and stood up. He got inflamed. He said your not done - your liking this I can tell. I would NOT move. He punched me and told me to get into my room. I thought about running and call my dad but realized I had just given this man-my stepdad a bj. So, I complied. He would rape me. I would take it as he told me if I took it then he would be nice to my mom. I took it as I wanted to be a man.

This went on for awhile until I moved across town to my dads after school. I could NOT tell my dad why I was there. My dad said ok you can stay but you have to share the bedroom with your stepbrothers. Well I was very attracted to my stepbrother and could not sleep in the bedroom so I slept every night for a month in the living room. BUT when my dad found out I was sleeping in the living room he asked why BUT I could NOT tell him. I moved the following day back to my moms and stepdads hoping the abuse would stop. It did but then he hit my mom and she said oh no - you are going back to the hospital or jail. I would leave home bound for CO to live with a different relative so I could finish HS.

I would move 6 times in the last 3years of my HS years. I was so consumed with survival that I would not know who I was as I entered my adulthood. I have been "running" on autopilot. Every time some gets close to me I run.

I write this for a couple of reasons. One is to get this off my chest. The other reason is to give clarity to others here how have known me for a while as this gives a glimpse to my psychosis. I have always had a strong impulse to flee - flight or fight.

I am facing my truth now.

A

_________________________
aka DJsport

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#342594 - 10/21/10 12:34 AM Re: my troubled adolescence [Re: Avery46]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6810
Loc: USA
Avery

I've found it very healing just to lay it all out in the open here just like you did. Then we find that what we thought were secrets no longer have any hold on us.

Allen

pufferfish


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#342602 - 10/21/10 08:32 AM Re: my troubled adolescence [Re: pufferfish]
sono Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/09
Posts: 1069
Avery,


The wise Allen, is absolutely right. I have been here many times when you have felt ready to move through another chapter of the abusive treatment you suffered. I can see and hear you getting stronger with step. I wish you continued strength and courage.

Keep riding!

your pal,

Kevin

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the family
the perp

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#342616 - 10/21/10 10:39 AM Re: my troubled adolescence [Re: sono]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Allen and Kevin, and others,

Putting into words what happened in truth is good I know. I bawled like a baby yesterday morning was I remembered the happenings with my mom's 2nd husband.

I should know by now right what he told me was wrong. I remember writing about "liking it". I hated it. I hated it. It took telling my mom to get lost, losing my dad who I have never been able to tell and telling my ex-wife to get lost. I needed to get the toxic people out of my life.

The following word was spoken here before - "grooming". I did NOT want to believe that I nor my mom was duped or groomed. Just saying this my brain has "feelers" or electrodes going off. My mom did NOT see it - maybe she was abused as a kid too I don't know and may never know for sure. I have the personality that can be gullible or groomed. I am learning about my own strength and the strength of others as I reach out.

I anticipate the abuse - hyper-vigilance. I have not wanted to see this.

My last hope is Breathing life into these words and finding strength.

I am shaking literally. Thanks for being here.

Donnie

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aka DJsport

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#342620 - 10/21/10 11:26 AM Re: my troubled adolescence [Re: Avery46]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
I believed what he said - I became nothing - I am still struggling and I am middle aged. He infected me - he told me I would be mentally ill just him. I was a grown teenager - bigger than him. I let him abuse me. I let him be inside me.

I have NOT wanted to remember this. I have written lots here and shared each of you. I have denied my own truth even while listening to your pains and truth knowing I had a secret.

At times my stuff came out sideways. For this I am sorry.

Everything happened so fast.

I am trying but not sure I have much left in me. I am not suicidal just not feeling ok about myself.

Peace,
Donnie



Edited by Avery46 (10/21/10 11:30 AM)
Edit Reason: clarification
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#342622 - 10/21/10 11:39 AM Re: my troubled adolescence [Re: Avery46]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6810
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: Avery46

Putting into words what happened in truth is good I know. I bawled like a baby yesterday morning was I remembered the happenings with my mom's 2nd husband.

Donnie, this is the path to healing.
1. get the memories or secrets out in the open. Talk them out like here.
2. grieve them. which you are doing already
3. we need someone to talk things out with lie a T, who can help us throught the rough spots (I know you do)
Originally Posted By: Avery46

I should know by now right what he told me was wrong. I remember writing about "liking it". I hated it. I hated it.

that's the horrible paradox of csa. To the child it feels good (for a very brief moment, like a shot of drugs). and if the child is lonely, as most of us were, then the child enjoys the attention for a brief moment. But the other side of the coin is the hating of it. It leaves a very bitter taste in our mouth doesn't it? sick
Originally Posted By: Avery46
It took telling my mom to get lost, losing my dad who I have never been able to tell and telling my ex-wife to get lost. I needed to get the toxic people out of my life.

yes
Your life was full of toxic people. And it was necessary to cut those cords. Then as you understand them you will be able to see them for what they are: just very faulted, miserable people who messed up a lot in their relationships, especially with you.
Originally Posted By: Avery46

The following word was spoken here before - "grooming". I did NOT want to believe that I nor my mom was duped or groomed. Just saying this my brain has "feelers" or electrodes going off. My mom did NOT see it - maybe she was abused as a kid too I don't know and may never know for sure. I have the personality that can be gullible or groomed. I am learning about my own strength and the strength of others as I reach out.

grooming was probably not the best use of words. Perps can be clever and insidious (like land mines in our pathway). Your mom was picking up a stray dog who turned out to be a dangerous attack dog!

Paranoid schizophrenics are very good at picking up the slightest hints of what's going on in people's minds and then using them as weapons of ass destruction. They are explosive devises hidden in your pathway. And you had virtually no escape from that villain.

Remember it was a paranoid schizophrenic mother who molded Sybil into Sybil.

Eventually you will come to see your mom as a very faulted human being who stumbled badly and who was in herself a very hurting person. You don't have to be there right now. She kind of wanted to be fooled. Our parents who experienced abuse as children have a record of setting up their children (us) for abuse.
Originally Posted By: Avery46

I anticipate the abuse - hyper-vigilance. I have not wanted to see this.

My last hope is Breathing life into these words and finding strength.

I am shaking literally. Thanks for being here.

Donnie

Donnie
You have experienced so much s--t in your life that it would naturally produce hyper vigilance. There's a sense in which you expect to be treated badly. But not all people are bad like that. There are kind people and people who want to help you. Watch the movie: I Am David.

Allen

pufferfish


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#342735 - 10/22/10 10:22 AM Re: my troubled adolescence [Re: pufferfish]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Last night I returned to the group for male sexual abuse survivors that I had been apart of for 2 years until 2 months ago.

I shared my story above to all. All including 3 new guys - at least new to me were glad to see me. This was so great for me. One guy in particular said to me - "remember when you held me in your spiritual hands helping the little boy in me leave the room that I was raped in", "You helped me". All there last night said I help them by showing my strength.

Sharing the word "gay" that my step-dad used was very hard for me. BUT to my friends in the group last night - it was the monster who owned the word NOT me. I have carried this hateful, message about my sexual identity which is also a self identity all of my life. I internalized it and how could I not - literally. I realize as I write this others here gay, bi and straight who have been sodomized by a man will also feel this. For me my body registers and believes it - the pain.

Allen,

I really appreciate all that you said above. I am picking the messages apart.

love you all.

Donnie

_________________________
aka DJsport

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#342804 - 10/22/10 07:47 PM Re: my troubled adolescence [Re: Avery46]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
This is tougher to deal with emotionally than just being gay. This issue alone leaves me thinking what is the use of going on. Others look at me and say I told you so, being abused leaves you confused about your sexuality. My perp knew didn't he - that he could use me. I wished he would have more violent and killed me.

At least if I had a wife or had a girlfriend who would say anything to give me hope of being straight.

Being gay sucks living this way.

I wish all my fellow survivors well in your journeys of healing.



Edited by Avery46 (10/22/10 07:48 PM)
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#342807 - 10/22/10 07:55 PM Re: my troubled adolescence [Re: Avery46]
MrDon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/08/01
Posts: 957
Loc: Deltona, FL
Avery,
My heart is touched by what you shared. Wow, I never ceased to be amazed by all that we go through and the threats that are placed upon us if we don't do what these abusers want us to do. It is much more difficult dealing with gay issues and survivor issues or so it seems that way to me. It is like you have to fight two battles in life instead of one.

Anyway, just wanted you to know that I hear what you're saying and understand. I know how difficult it is to come through all of this especially when it looks like you're facing the impossible. It does get better but it takes a lot of hard work. Keep going... keep going.. you're making it!

Don

_________________________
In order to journey to new worlds, we must first be willing to lose site of the shore.

The Mind Body Thoughts Blog
http://mindbodythoughts.blogspot.com/

Check out my relaxing piano music from the heart!
http://www.donshetterly.com

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#342813 - 10/22/10 08:45 PM Re: my troubled adolescence [Re: MrDon]
blaidd Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/01/00
Posts: 240
Loc: Australia
Donie,
So sorry to read of your story and the hurt you have endured. Others have already given you great feedback so I'll just add a few random thoughts.

I see a lot of self-loathing in your words, and that is understandable given the circumstances. I relate to that, as it is a struggle to disentangle our own self-worth when it is mixed up with the abuse. It is part of the journey to be able to unpack the lies and the confusion of what was done to us, which you are trying to do. Well done .

However, none of this is your fault, that person was an abuser and all the crap, guilt and shame lays firmly with him.

In regard to grooming, it was not your fault, full stop. It does not mean you are gullible or flawed in any way.

You have so much courage and strength in facing this, as painful as it is, that you truly have my admiration and respect.

blaidd

_________________________
Blaidd (pronounced as blaith/blithe) is a welsh word meaning wolf.

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#342821 - 10/22/10 09:24 PM Re: my troubled adolescence [Re: Avery46]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
In a bad spot.



Edited by Avery46 (10/23/10 01:14 AM)
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#342836 - 10/23/10 12:31 AM Re: my troubled adolescence [Re: Avery46]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
.




Edited by Avery46 (10/23/10 01:14 AM)
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#342857 - 10/23/10 11:43 AM Re: my troubled adolescence [Re: Avery46]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
not sure what section this goes in. I am hallucinating. Woke up to people sedating me, I could hear them, and feel them touching me.

I then woke up screaming and feeling him touching me.

Has anyone experienced this? I have not in processing my other memories.

A

_________________________
aka DJsport

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#342877 - 10/23/10 02:11 PM Re: my troubled adolescence [Re: Avery46]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Here is my response to the pervert who came into my life so many years ago. I have only copied the parts that I changed. Parts of it - actually all of it - can never be changed BUT the way I handle it is changing as of right now. I highlighted and underlined the changed wording.

*****triggers****

Within the first hour of her being gone he told me to get undressed after talking with me about sex and MB. Lonnie you’re out of mind – I am not getting undressed. When I did respond to his request he told me that I had sex with my mom. So Lonnie if I did have sex with my mom why would I tell you He then said your gay huh. I sure am gay Lonnie Nothing more was said that night. I would NOT see him again until a month later after they got married. Yes, she married him in a secret ceremony in the activities room at her work. He moved in that night. She would go to work at 8 that night. Within 5 minutes he told me I was still having sex with my mom. I said, no I was not. I had been having sex with my mom in my younger years but had stopped. He said then your gay. I knew I was gay but not sure why stated it. Within a couple of minutes of silence and him leaving to go to bathroom he said to come here. He asked me - you love your mom huh. I said yes. He said your gay so take off your pants. Why are you going to suck my cock – you pervert He grabbed me and took them off for me. Hmmmm…your getting frisky for someone who is straight and just married my mom – you pervert He was already naked and I was frightened. He had a hard-on and I was intrigued. He would get behind me, whisper in my ear, "if you don't want your mom hurt then you will do as I say." So you think it is ok to abuse a teenager who just happens to be the son of the woman you just married Maybe you married my mom cause you know she will take care of you as long as you are sane He then told me to kneel in front of him. Laughing!!!

The end.




Edited by Avery46 (10/23/10 02:17 PM)
Edit Reason: bolding and underlining
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#342904 - 10/23/10 08:56 PM Re: my troubled adolescence [Re: Avery46]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
It doesn't matter anyway.....he took what he wanted

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#342910 - 10/23/10 10:02 PM Re: my troubled adolescence [Re: Avery46]
Donald D'Haene Offline
Member

Registered: 04/11/04
Posts: 68
Loc: London
Avery46, so sorry for all the pain you've experienced. Please stay in touch!
Donald

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Donald D'Haene
http://www.fatherstouch.com

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#342993 - 10/24/10 09:45 PM Re: my troubled adolescence [Re: Avery46]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
How do I begin to let him go?

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aka DJsport

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#343000 - 10/24/10 11:08 PM Re: my troubled adolescence [Re: Avery46]
just me Offline


Registered: 05/27/09
Posts: 193
((((((((((Avery46)))))))))

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My Story

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#343077 - 10/25/10 07:33 PM Re: my troubled adolescence [Re: just me]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
I saw my T today. She is so supportive and says the right thing and the right time.

Here are my challenges:

1. Love myself as I am.
2. Just be me.
3. Right about the anger.
4. Direct any anger at my stepdad or mom.
5. Own my own power
6. Know gayness is my identity - my physical preference for the sex I want to be intimate with.
7. Abuse is abuse and wrong
8. I am making my voice be heard and this is a great event.
9. I am healing and becoming more and more calm in my own skin.
10. I can cry whenever I need to.
11. Drink plenty of water.
12. Get plenty of rest/sleep.
13. Take time for my own fun.
14. Get an aquarium.
15. Love everybody and trust those that earn it.
16. Hold others accountable for their actions.
17. I can take comfort in my own self.
18. It is a right to have love ones.


This is a wonderful time in my life as I am discovering myself and all at is within me.

A

_________________________
aka DJsport

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#343085 - 10/25/10 08:19 PM Re: my troubled adolescence [Re: Avery46]
blaidd Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/01/00
Posts: 240
Loc: Australia
Go Avery !!!

What a great list smile

_________________________
Blaidd (pronounced as blaith/blithe) is a welsh word meaning wolf.

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#343101 - 10/25/10 10:57 PM Re: my troubled adolescence [Re: blaidd]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Along with this memory comes the sadness. Well I have been feeling unable to be with the grief and stay very deep in depression.

Well the one thing my T said today was why cant you cry for the teenager in you that deserves to be held? I said because I was told not to. Ahhh my T said. They told you that because to get you to stop crying then they did NOT have to feel the shame for their actions.

This hit me like a brick wall. I can cry now as the shame is theirs not mine. AND to cry then I let go of the shame I have held in and give it to them.

To have my own sexuality is to have them go away for they wanted to reject my own sexuality due to their ineptness at having a sexuality. They had to have a child give that to them. Well they got it.

Donnie



Edited by Avery46 (10/25/10 10:59 PM)
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#343184 - 10/26/10 05:49 PM Re: my troubled adolescence [Re: Avery46]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
My body is feeling the assaults from so long ago. I want to deal with this and heal. As a boy/teen I was innocent and not able to handle such intense boundary invasions and psychotic behaviors.

As I process the CSA, “My trouble teenaged years” - I need to understand what I was dealing with and what I did psychologically in the situation in order to reverse the negative “affects”.

The players in my csa/teen years there were; my mom who was mentally ill (not sure what illness), my stepdad who was paranoid schizophrenic, my dad who was divorced from my mom, and Me. These were the authority figures in my life.

I have hated authority figures, mistrustful of anyone who tells me what to do, mistrustful of myself if anyone who gets close because I have invited them to abuse me, I see this process as being an internal lobotomy. Here are some thoughts I was left with as I grew up and the resulting or corrective thoughts/actions.

1. So Angry – no boundaries – my space was always being invaded – set my own boundaries – write about the anger.
2. Moved a lot – severally alone – just be with others
3. Give my power away – Don’t give words or more than a few seconds of thought to helplessness.
4. Feeling by hearing – I am stupid – I am intelligent – I need to KNOW this without proving a thing.
5. Wanting to die from the sheer pain and the delight he took inflicting the pain. Being in the pain is delightful at times as I remember focusing on his face and his words as I left my own body.
6. Intense Anger as I want to get that object out of my butt and NOW xxxxxx
7. Hate being alone – my body told me I was NOT ok unless someone was around and intensely abusing me – being with others who care and knowing

Donnie

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aka DJsport

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#343260 - 10/27/10 10:47 AM Re: my troubled adolescence [Re: Avery46]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
I am in this post a lot. Hope this is ok.

I am very connected to being angry this morning. I would say my anger borders on being rageful. I am not going to leave my apartment until I settle down. I say this because I was on the phone this morning to my employers short-term disability about extending it as I went off on them. The process is so confusing and I am sure it is because of the intense rage.

I am writing this for advise. What should I do to "get to the anger" of what happened to me? My T told me on Monday to write it out. I am very frightened to write it out - to him. I get "frozen" wanting to vanish when I get to this point.

I was talking in chat and I "freaked out". I wrote about it before vanishing and now this morning I realize how intensely angry I am.

Help me figure this anger out as I don't want to do anything stupid.

Donnie

_________________________
aka DJsport

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#343274 - 10/27/10 12:24 PM Re: my troubled adolescence [Re: Avery46]
Donald D'Haene Offline
Member

Registered: 04/11/04
Posts: 68
Loc: London
Hi Donnie

I think writing it out was great advice from your T. I mean combined with talking it out with your T....both are essential. It's amazing how many men who have been through what we have haven't talked about it, let alone went to a therapist. My older brother told me he didn't need it. Yeah, right. I've had years of it and he don't need it. Whatever. So the good news is you are able to talk to a therapist and us on here! Getting out in pen is a tremendous relief...I wrote a diary for years. Remember you can always email me offline! Donald

_________________________
Donald D'Haene
http://www.fatherstouch.com

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#343300 - 10/27/10 03:57 PM Re: my troubled adolescence [Re: Donald D'Haene]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
I chose to write in the gay section since I identify with being gay. Is this not the way to think about posting?

Maybe others are not liking the gay section or gay survivors don't matter - I don't matter.

I am too far gone to be helped.



Edited by Avery46 (10/27/10 04:22 PM)
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#343309 - 10/27/10 06:34 PM Re: my troubled adolescence [Re: Avery46]
blaidd Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/01/00
Posts: 240
Loc: Australia
Donnie you do matter and I am sorry you got triggered in chat yesterday when I was there. Sometimes because of the nature of what we are going through, this happens. Learning to understand the trigger and processing it is what helps us heal.

Anger is a difficult issue for me too. I am oscillating between extreme fear and rage at the minute in regard to my main abuser. Gonna have to talk to my T about it.

Personally, I like the way you are posting and processing things in the gay section. I wish I could be so open as you are Avery. I see you doing so much to get this stuff out and to process it and heal. I admire this. I feel safest in the gay section, if that makes sense.

However, maybe you would get more responses in the general section, I don't know. Our straight brothers have a lot of good things to share with us too, and may not see your posts in here.

Also, don't think you are being ignored. I know for me when I read posts, and as much as I feel for what someone is going through I feel I don't always have the right words to express.

You are not too far gone to be helped. If anything I see that you are doing the hard work in trying to make sense of your experience and that is admirable.

_________________________
Blaidd (pronounced as blaith/blithe) is a welsh word meaning wolf.

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#343313 - 10/27/10 06:56 PM Re: my troubled adolescence [Re: blaidd]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: blaidd
...I am oscillating between extreme fear and rage at the minute in regard to my main abuser.


Blaidd you hit the nail on the head here. I too am oscillating between fear and rage.

You put it into perspective for me. The rage needs to be at my abusers. I need to channel that rage and write it out as it is anger.

My mom and her 2nd husband were hated by lots. I remember a neighbor not liking the abuse she thought I was getting. She was right.

I will sit with this for while.

Donnie

_________________________
aka DJsport

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#343404 - 10/28/10 12:10 PM Re: my troubled adolescence [Re: Avery46]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
&****triggers***

I had no choice but to be raped. That is what he was going to do. He was bigger than me. I had no choice but to suck him off or try to so he would not go any further.

I was taking it cause I am gay or that is what I thought. I enjoyed it at times or so I thought. I am crying as I remember this - the sheer pain and confusion.

How could my real dad save me - my mom did NOT care. If I told my dad - would he have believed me or ridiculed me and told me to never come see him ever again.

God this hurts!!!

cry cry



Edited by Avery46 (10/28/10 12:10 PM)
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#343485 - 10/29/10 02:11 AM Re: my troubled adolescence [Re: Avery46]
pkincrisi Offline


Registered: 04/08/10
Posts: 96
Loc: Wisconsin
Donnie,

I know that you are being hit with wave after wave of emotions. It's good that you are writing these things out. You are giving yourself a voice that you didn't have as a child. You are telling the truth. Keep doing it. And keep reaching out.

((((Donnie))))

Your brother,

Steve

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Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

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#343504 - 10/29/10 09:33 AM Re: my troubled adolescence [Re: pkincrisi]
Dogs&Gods Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/22/10
Posts: 49
Loc: The Mighty Mitten
Avery,

You survived be proud move forward in your work show that you are so much more of a man then those around you.

Straight or Gay I do not care. I am impressed with your work.

Dealing with anger for me..
1. Identify that I am angry
2. Stop breath think about the anger source
3. Run, Lift wieghts something to place adrenelin. You are in Fight or Flight do both,

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Remember Dog is God spelled backwards: The dogs in my life were the first ones to hear my pain and lick away my tears.

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#343517 - 10/29/10 11:35 AM Re: my troubled adolescence [Re: Dogs&Gods]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Guys,

Your words bring me joy. Joy to my heart.

I had a very challenging night of challenging my "memories". Re-writing what I did with the event. I woke up once from a dream of being hit by a bus. I woke up screaming.

**** triggers

I feel as if I am losing the fight. I think I am feeling things from the past that I did NOT get to feel. I fought him then - literally but of course he was an adult and I was a small teen for my age. He was much very strong. My body is remembering him which is so uncomfortable. I remember him being inside me to the point I am not wanting to be in my skin just like back then. He made me call him "daddy". Getting sick to my stomach.

Anyways thanks for the words of support. Deep breaths and sobbing here.

Donnie*



Edited by Avery46 (10/29/10 12:45 PM)
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#343690 - 10/30/10 05:43 PM Re: my troubled adolescence [Re: Avery46]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Remembering this is killing me or maybe it is the feeling that I am experiencing him Killing me.

I am in so much turmoil. I don't know what to do with myself.

I can't write anymore.

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#343807 - 11/01/10 12:51 AM Re: my troubled adolescence [Re: Avery46]
nltsaved Offline


Registered: 08/26/08
Posts: 838
Loc: Kc,Mo
if you want to make it through to the other side sometimes you just have to walk through it .

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n-uYCAfpxrY
TRIGGER WARNING
Video of me telling my story
you are not alone never were
WRITTEN FORM
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=339159#Post339159
Why i hate Religion but love Jesus
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1IAhDGYlpqY

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#343810 - 11/01/10 04:07 AM Re: my troubled adolescence [Re: nltsaved]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
What do You mean ntlsaved?

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#343834 - 11/01/10 10:54 AM Re: my troubled adolescence [Re: nltsaved]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: nltsaved
if you want to make it through to the other side sometimes you just have to walk through it .


ntlsaved,

What does this statement mean? Please let me know.

Donnie

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#343880 - 11/01/10 09:40 PM Re: my troubled adolescence [Re: Avery46]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Guess, not going to tell me.

I identified with him. I know he was a pervert but I identified with him. I know I am supposed to hate him. How can I hate him - he was the first to see my attractions to my own sex?

I hated my mom for taking him away. I know this is supposed to be good that she got rid of him but I have missed him for nearly 30 years.

Yes, I forgot him and didnt think of him but, now when I remember him telling me he loved me, I missed him. I hate myself for missing him. How can I go on?

Donnie

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#343898 - 11/01/10 11:47 PM Re: my troubled adolescence [Re: Avery46]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6810
Loc: USA


Edited by pufferfish (11/02/10 12:31 AM)

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#343994 - 11/02/10 11:42 PM Re: my troubled adolescence [Re: pufferfish]
blaidd Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/01/00
Posts: 240
Loc: Australia
I agree with Allen. That feeling is understandable and he makes a very good point about the Stockholm syndrome. This is what happens with abuse, we can end up with all sorts of conflicting emotions.

Remember that he abused you, he took advantage of you. The blame, hate and responsibility firmly lies with him, not you.

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Blaidd (pronounced as blaith/blithe) is a welsh word meaning wolf.

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#343997 - 11/03/10 12:09 AM Re: my troubled adolescence [Re: blaidd]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Hugs to you my brothers,

Saw my T today. I finally am receiving the hugs, protection, and love my dad gave me as a boy. My dad was NOT one of my perps. This is a huge piece for me as my perp - stepdad - played off being a better dad than my real dad. So coming to this point is huge.

I really needed support on this so kudos to you that responded.

Hugs,
Donnie

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#344016 - 11/03/10 12:10 PM Re: my troubled adolescence [Re: Avery46]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
And the affects of this memory died. RIP to the negativity and party to the love, mercy and strength I feel today.

Donnie

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