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#343517 - 10/29/10 11:35 AM Re: my troubled adolescence [Re: Dogs&Gods]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Guys,

Your words bring me joy. Joy to my heart.

I had a very challenging night of challenging my "memories". Re-writing what I did with the event. I woke up once from a dream of being hit by a bus. I woke up screaming.

**** triggers

I feel as if I am losing the fight. I think I am feeling things from the past that I did NOT get to feel. I fought him then - literally but of course he was an adult and I was a small teen for my age. He was much very strong. My body is remembering him which is so uncomfortable. I remember him being inside me to the point I am not wanting to be in my skin just like back then. He made me call him "daddy". Getting sick to my stomach.

Anyways thanks for the words of support. Deep breaths and sobbing here.

Donnie*



Edited by Avery46 (10/29/10 12:45 PM)
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#343690 - 10/30/10 05:43 PM Re: my troubled adolescence [Re: Avery46]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Remembering this is killing me or maybe it is the feeling that I am experiencing him Killing me.

I am in so much turmoil. I don't know what to do with myself.

I can't write anymore.

_________________________
aka DJsport

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#343807 - 11/01/10 12:51 AM Re: my troubled adolescence [Re: Avery46]
nltsaved Offline


Registered: 08/26/08
Posts: 827
Loc: Kc,Mo
if you want to make it through to the other side sometimes you just have to walk through it .

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#343810 - 11/01/10 04:07 AM Re: my troubled adolescence [Re: nltsaved]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
What do You mean ntlsaved?

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#343834 - 11/01/10 10:54 AM Re: my troubled adolescence [Re: nltsaved]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: nltsaved
if you want to make it through to the other side sometimes you just have to walk through it .


ntlsaved,

What does this statement mean? Please let me know.

Donnie

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aka DJsport

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#343880 - 11/01/10 09:40 PM Re: my troubled adolescence [Re: Avery46]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Guess, not going to tell me.

I identified with him. I know he was a pervert but I identified with him. I know I am supposed to hate him. How can I hate him - he was the first to see my attractions to my own sex?

I hated my mom for taking him away. I know this is supposed to be good that she got rid of him but I have missed him for nearly 30 years.

Yes, I forgot him and didnt think of him but, now when I remember him telling me he loved me, I missed him. I hate myself for missing him. How can I go on?

Donnie

_________________________
aka DJsport

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#343898 - 11/01/10 11:47 PM Re: my troubled adolescence [Re: Avery46]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6709
Loc: USA


Edited by pufferfish (11/02/10 12:31 AM)

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#343994 - 11/02/10 11:42 PM Re: my troubled adolescence [Re: pufferfish]
blaidd Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/01/00
Posts: 240
Loc: Australia
I agree with Allen. That feeling is understandable and he makes a very good point about the Stockholm syndrome. This is what happens with abuse, we can end up with all sorts of conflicting emotions.

Remember that he abused you, he took advantage of you. The blame, hate and responsibility firmly lies with him, not you.

_________________________
Heal for Life Australian survivor retreat alumnus

Blaidd (pronounced as blaith/blithe) is a welsh word meaning wolf.

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#343997 - 11/03/10 12:09 AM Re: my troubled adolescence [Re: blaidd]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Hugs to you my brothers,

Saw my T today. I finally am receiving the hugs, protection, and love my dad gave me as a boy. My dad was NOT one of my perps. This is a huge piece for me as my perp - stepdad - played off being a better dad than my real dad. So coming to this point is huge.

I really needed support on this so kudos to you that responded.

Hugs,
Donnie

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aka DJsport

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#344016 - 11/03/10 12:10 PM Re: my troubled adolescence [Re: Avery46]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
And the affects of this memory died. RIP to the negativity and party to the love, mercy and strength I feel today.

Donnie

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