Along with this memory comes the sadness. Well I have been feeling unable to be with the grief and stay very deep in depression.

Well the one thing my T said today was why cant you cry for the teenager in you that deserves to be held? I said because I was told not to. Ahhh my T said. They told you that because to get you to stop crying then they did NOT have to feel the shame for their actions.

This hit me like a brick wall. I can cry now as the shame is theirs not mine. AND to cry then I let go of the shame I have held in and give it to them.

To have my own sexuality is to have them go away for they wanted to reject my own sexuality due to their ineptness at having a sexuality. They had to have a child give that to them. Well they got it.

Donnie

My body is feeling the assaults from so long ago. I want to deal with this and heal. As a boy/teen I was innocent and not able to handle such intense boundary invasions and psychotic behaviors.

As I process the CSA, “My trouble teenaged years” - I need to understand what I was dealing with and what I did psychologically in the situation in order to reverse the negative “affects”.

The players in my csa/teen years there were; my mom who was mentally ill (not sure what illness), my stepdad who was paranoid schizophrenic, my dad who was divorced from my mom, and Me. These were the authority figures in my life.

I have hated authority figures, mistrustful of anyone who tells me what to do, mistrustful of myself if anyone who gets close because I have invited them to abuse me, I see this process as being an internal lobotomy. Here are some thoughts I was left with as I grew up and the resulting or corrective thoughts/actions.

1. So Angry – no boundaries – my space was always being invaded – set my own boundaries – write about the anger.
2. Moved a lot – severally alone – just be with others
3. Give my power away – Don’t give words or more than a few seconds of thought to helplessness.
4. Feeling by hearing – I am stupid – I am intelligent – I need to KNOW this without proving a thing.
5. Wanting to die from the sheer pain and the delight he took inflicting the pain. Being in the pain is delightful at times as I remember focusing on his face and his words as I left my own body.
6. Intense Anger as I want to get that object out of my butt and NOW xxxxxx
7. Hate being alone – my body told me I was NOT ok unless someone was around and intensely abusing me – being with others who care and knowing

Donnie

I am in this post a lot. Hope this is ok.

I am very connected to being angry this morning. I would say my anger borders on being rageful. I am not going to leave my apartment until I settle down. I say this because I was on the phone this morning to my employers short-term disability about extending it as I went off on them. The process is so confusing and I am sure it is because of the intense rage.

I am writing this for advise. What should I do to "get to the anger" of what happened to me? My T told me on Monday to write it out. I am very frightened to write it out - to him. I get "frozen" wanting to vanish when I get to this point.

I was talking in chat and I "freaked out". I wrote about it before vanishing and now this morning I realize how intensely angry I am.

Help me figure this anger out as I don't want to do anything stupid.

Donnie

Hi Donnie

I think writing it out was great advice from your T. I mean combined with talking it out with your T....both are essential. It's amazing how many men who have been through what we have haven't talked about it, let alone went to a therapist. My older brother told me he didn't need it. Yeah, right. I've had years of it and he don't need it. Whatever. So the good news is you are able to talk to a therapist and us on here! Getting out in pen is a tremendous relief...I wrote a diary for years. Remember you can always email me offline! Donald

I chose to write in the gay section since I identify with being gay. Is this not the way to think about posting?

Maybe others are not liking the gay section or gay survivors don't matter - I don't matter.

I am too far gone to be helped.

Donnie you do matter and I am sorry you got triggered in chat yesterday when I was there. Sometimes because of the nature of what we are going through, this happens. Learning to understand the trigger and processing it is what helps us heal.

Anger is a difficult issue for me too. I am oscillating between extreme fear and rage at the minute in regard to my main abuser. Gonna have to talk to my T about it.

Personally, I like the way you are posting and processing things in the gay section. I wish I could be so open as you are Avery. I see you doing so much to get this stuff out and to process it and heal. I admire this. I feel safest in the gay section, if that makes sense.

However, maybe you would get more responses in the general section, I don't know. Our straight brothers have a lot of good things to share with us too, and may not see your posts in here.

Also, don't think you are being ignored. I know for me when I read posts, and as much as I feel for what someone is going through I feel I don't always have the right words to express.

You are not too far gone to be helped. If anything I see that you are doing the hard work in trying to make sense of your experience and that is admirable.

Blaidd you hit the nail on the head here. I too am oscillating between fear and rage.

You put it into perspective for me. The rage needs to be at my abusers. I need to channel that rage and write it out as it is anger.

My mom and her 2nd husband were hated by lots. I remember a neighbor not liking the abuse she thought I was getting. She was right.

I will sit with this for while.

Donnie

&****triggers***

I had no choice but to be raped. That is what he was going to do. He was bigger than me. I had no choice but to suck him off or try to so he would not go any further.

I was taking it cause I am gay or that is what I thought. I enjoyed it at times or so I thought. I am crying as I remember this - the sheer pain and confusion.

How could my real dad save me - my mom did NOT care. If I told my dad - would he have believed me or ridiculed me and told me to never come see him ever again.

God this hurts!!!

Donnie,

I know that you are being hit with wave after wave of emotions. It's good that you are writing these things out. You are giving yourself a voice that you didn't have as a child. You are telling the truth. Keep doing it. And keep reaching out.

((((Donnie))))

Your brother,

Steve

Avery,

You survived be proud move forward in your work show that you are so much more of a man then those around you.

Straight or Gay I do not care. I am impressed with your work.

Dealing with anger for me..
1. Identify that I am angry
2. Stop breath think about the anger source
3. Run, Lift wieghts something to place adrenelin. You are in Fight or Flight do both,