I will begin this by saying I had a pretty good start to my adolescence - age 13.

At age 11, I fell in love with Slade - another boy in my neighborhood who was my age. We would play around, go camping, fish, ride motor bikes, ski, play pool with his brother - who was a cool guy. This was a great friendship. I was living in ND at this time.

It all ended when my mom announced she was filing for divorce from my dad when I was 14. My mom was dissatisfied with my dad for not giving her enough attention so she wanted to get him into counseling and he would NOT go so forcing divorce proceedings was to make him go. Well she and I ended up moving 900 miles away from my dad to CO. She had developed two golf sized tumors on her liver so with my dad being in the military she got her surgery done for free.

My mom decided that she could hang out at the truck stop after her surgery where she ended up in the back of some semis. Within a year she and I would move to TN to follow one of the truckers she met. I hated TN as I was being bullied for being gay so I left TN and moved back to ND to be with my dad. Within a few weeks my mom would attempt suicide. This was during my sophomore year. She called me that night from the hospital to say she needed me so, I would fly back to TN. I wanted to be with my dad so, she moved me and her back to ND.

Within a year of being back in ND she would meet and marry her 2nd husband. She met him at work. She was a mental health activities coordinator and he was her client. He was a bona fide paranoid schizophrenic. As I talked this through this morning with a very good friend from here, I realize he "groomed" her. She would bring him home, for him to have a place to stay while she went to work as a bar maid at a local social establishment.

*****triggers****

Within the first hour of her being gone he told me to get undressed after talking with me about sex and MB. When I did respond to his request he told me that I had sex with my mom. I had no idea about his diagnosis or what he was getting at so I said nothing. He then said your gay huh. I froze. Nothing more was said that night. I would NOT see him again until a month later after they got married. Yes, she married him in a secret ceremony in the activities room at her work. He moved in that night. She would go to work at 8 that night. Within 5 minutes he told me I was still having sex with my mom. I said no I was not. He said then your gay. I knew I was gay but not sure why stated it. Within a couple of minutes of silence and him leaving to go to bathroom he said to come here. He asked me - you love your mom huh. I said yes. He said your gay so take off your pants. I froze. He grabbed me and took them off for me. He was already naked and I was frightened. He had a hard-on and I was intrigued. He would get behind me, whisper in my ear, "if you don't want your mom hurt then you will do as I say." He then told me to kneel in front of him. I would do this for him multiple times as this was better than getting what I would next. I stopped doing the bj thing and stood up. He got inflamed. He said your not done - your liking this I can tell. I would NOT move. He punched me and told me to get into my room. I thought about running and call my dad but realized I had just given this man-my stepdad a bj. So, I complied. He would rape me. I would take it as he told me if I took it then he would be nice to my mom. I took it as I wanted to be a man.

This went on for awhile until I moved across town to my dads after school. I could NOT tell my dad why I was there. My dad said ok you can stay but you have to share the bedroom with your stepbrothers. Well I was very attracted to my stepbrother and could not sleep in the bedroom so I slept every night for a month in the living room. BUT when my dad found out I was sleeping in the living room he asked why BUT I could NOT tell him. I moved the following day back to my moms and stepdads hoping the abuse would stop. It did but then he hit my mom and she said oh no - you are going back to the hospital or jail. I would leave home bound for CO to live with a different relative so I could finish HS.

I would move 6 times in the last 3years of my HS years. I was so consumed with survival that I would not know who I was as I entered my adulthood. I have been "running" on autopilot. Every time some gets close to me I run.

I write this for a couple of reasons. One is to get this off my chest. The other reason is to give clarity to others here how have known me for a while as this gives a glimpse to my psychosis. I have always had a strong impulse to flee - flight or fight.

I am facing my truth now.

A

Avery

I've found it very healing just to lay it all out in the open here just like you did. Then we find that what we thought were secrets no longer have any hold on us.

Allen

pufferfish

Avery,


The wise Allen, is absolutely right. I have been here many times when you have felt ready to move through another chapter of the abusive treatment you suffered. I can see and hear you getting stronger with step. I wish you continued strength and courage.

Keep riding!

your pal,

Kevin

Allen and Kevin, and others,

Putting into words what happened in truth is good I know. I bawled like a baby yesterday morning was I remembered the happenings with my mom's 2nd husband.

I should know by now right what he told me was wrong. I remember writing about "liking it". I hated it. I hated it. It took telling my mom to get lost, losing my dad who I have never been able to tell and telling my ex-wife to get lost. I needed to get the toxic people out of my life.

The following word was spoken here before - "grooming". I did NOT want to believe that I nor my mom was duped or groomed. Just saying this my brain has "feelers" or electrodes going off. My mom did NOT see it - maybe she was abused as a kid too I don't know and may never know for sure. I have the personality that can be gullible or groomed. I am learning about my own strength and the strength of others as I reach out.

I anticipate the abuse - hyper-vigilance. I have not wanted to see this.

My last hope is Breathing life into these words and finding strength.

I am shaking literally. Thanks for being here.

Donnie

I believed what he said - I became nothing - I am still struggling and I am middle aged. He infected me - he told me I would be mentally ill just him. I was a grown teenager - bigger than him. I let him abuse me. I let him be inside me.

I have NOT wanted to remember this. I have written lots here and shared each of you. I have denied my own truth even while listening to your pains and truth knowing I had a secret.

At times my stuff came out sideways. For this I am sorry.

Everything happened so fast.

I am trying but not sure I have much left in me. I am not suicidal just not feeling ok about myself.

Peace,
Donnie

Donnie, this is the path to healing.
1. get the memories or secrets out in the open. Talk them out like here.
2. grieve them. which you are doing already
3. we need someone to talk things out with lie a T, who can help us throught the rough spots (I know you do)

that's the horrible paradox of csa. To the child it feels good (for a very brief moment, like a shot of drugs). and if the child is lonely, as most of us were, then the child enjoys the attention for a brief moment. But the other side of the coin is the hating of it. It leaves a very bitter taste in our mouth doesn't it?

yes
Your life was full of toxic people. And it was necessary to cut those cords. Then as you understand them you will be able to see them for what they are: just very faulted, miserable people who messed up a lot in their relationships, especially with you.

grooming was probably not the best use of words. Perps can be clever and insidious (like land mines in our pathway). Your mom was picking up a stray dog who turned out to be a dangerous attack dog!

Paranoid schizophrenics are very good at picking up the slightest hints of what's going on in people's minds and then using them as weapons of ass destruction. They are explosive devises hidden in your pathway. And you had virtually no escape from that villain.

Remember it was a paranoid schizophrenic mother who molded Sybil into Sybil.

Eventually you will come to see your mom as a very faulted human being who stumbled badly and who was in herself a very hurting person. You don't have to be there right now. She kind of wanted to be fooled. Our parents who experienced abuse as children have a record of setting up their children (us) for abuse.

Donnie
You have experienced so much s--t in your life that it would naturally produce hyper vigilance. There's a sense in which you expect to be treated badly. But not all people are bad like that. There are kind people and people who want to help you. Watch the movie: I Am David.

Allen

pufferfish

Last night I returned to the group for male sexual abuse survivors that I had been apart of for 2 years until 2 months ago.

I shared my story above to all. All including 3 new guys - at least new to me were glad to see me. This was so great for me. One guy in particular said to me - "remember when you held me in your spiritual hands helping the little boy in me leave the room that I was raped in", "You helped me". All there last night said I help them by showing my strength.

Sharing the word "gay" that my step-dad used was very hard for me. BUT to my friends in the group last night - it was the monster who owned the word NOT me. I have carried this hateful, message about my sexual identity which is also a self identity all of my life. I internalized it and how could I not - literally. I realize as I write this others here gay, bi and straight who have been sodomized by a man will also feel this. For me my body registers and believes it - the pain.

Allen,

I really appreciate all that you said above. I am picking the messages apart.

love you all.

Donnie

This is tougher to deal with emotionally than just being gay. This issue alone leaves me thinking what is the use of going on. Others look at me and say I told you so, being abused leaves you confused about your sexuality. My perp knew didn't he - that he could use me. I wished he would have more violent and killed me.

At least if I had a wife or had a girlfriend who would say anything to give me hope of being straight.

Being gay sucks living this way.

I wish all my fellow survivors well in your journeys of healing.

Avery,
My heart is touched by what you shared. Wow, I never ceased to be amazed by all that we go through and the threats that are placed upon us if we don't do what these abusers want us to do. It is much more difficult dealing with gay issues and survivor issues or so it seems that way to me. It is like you have to fight two battles in life instead of one.

Anyway, just wanted you to know that I hear what you're saying and understand. I know how difficult it is to come through all of this especially when it looks like you're facing the impossible. It does get better but it takes a lot of hard work. Keep going... keep going.. you're making it!

Don

Donie,
So sorry to read of your story and the hurt you have endured. Others have already given you great feedback so I'll just add a few random thoughts.

I see a lot of self-loathing in your words, and that is understandable given the circumstances. I relate to that, as it is a struggle to disentangle our own self-worth when it is mixed up with the abuse. It is part of the journey to be able to unpack the lies and the confusion of what was done to us, which you are trying to do. Well done .

However, none of this is your fault, that person was an abuser and all the crap, guilt and shame lays firmly with him.

In regard to grooming, it was not your fault, full stop. It does not mean you are gullible or flawed in any way.

You have so much courage and strength in facing this, as painful as it is, that you truly have my admiration and respect.

blaidd