Putting into words what happened in truth is good I know. I bawled like a baby yesterday morning was I remembered the happenings with my mom's 2nd husband.
Donnie, this is the path to healing.
1. get the memories or secrets out in the open. Talk them out like here.
2. grieve them. which you are doing already
3. we need someone to talk things out with lie a T, who can help us throught the rough spots (I know you do)
I should know by now right what he told me was wrong. I remember writing about "liking it". I hated it. I hated it.
that's the horrible paradox of csa. To the child it feels good (for a very brief moment, like a shot of drugs). and if the child is lonely, as most of us were, then the child enjoys the attention for a brief moment. But the other side of the coin is the hating of it. It leaves a very bitter taste in our mouth doesn't it?
It took telling my mom to get lost, losing my dad who I have never been able to tell and telling my ex-wife to get lost. I needed to get the toxic people out of my life.
Your life was full of toxic people. And it was necessary to cut those cords. Then as you understand them you will be able to see them for what they are: just very faulted, miserable people who messed up a lot in their relationships, especially with you.
The following word was spoken here before - "grooming". I did NOT want to believe that I nor my mom was duped or groomed. Just saying this my brain has "feelers" or electrodes going off. My mom did NOT see it - maybe she was abused as a kid too I don't know and may never know for sure. I have the personality that can be gullible or groomed. I am learning about my own strength and the strength of others as I reach out.
grooming was probably not the best use of words. Perps can be clever and insidious (like land mines in our pathway). Your mom was picking up a stray dog who turned out to be a dangerous attack dog!
Paranoid schizophrenics are very good at picking up the slightest hints of what's going on in people's minds and then using them as weapons of ass destruction. They are explosive devises hidden in your pathway. And you had virtually no escape from that villain.
Remember it was a paranoid schizophrenic mother who molded Sybil into Sybil.
Eventually you will come to see your mom as a very faulted human being who stumbled badly and who was in herself a very hurting person. You don't have to be there right now. She kind of wanted to be fooled. Our parents who experienced abuse as children have a record of setting up their children (us) for abuse.
I anticipate the abuse - hyper-vigilance. I have not wanted to see this.
My last hope is Breathing life into these words and finding strength.
I am shaking literally. Thanks for being here.
You have experienced so much s--t in your life that it would naturally produce hyper vigilance. There's a sense in which you expect to be treated badly. But not all people are bad like that. There are kind people and people who want to help you. Watch the movie: I Am David