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#342862 - 10/23/10 12:20 PM Re: Guys and Body Issues - More Common Than You Think [Re: Avery46]
Ever-fixed Mark Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 729
Loc: United States
Originally Posted By: Avery46
Your question is to me, right? The men who have the perfect body are the ones being held and played with - being touched - being loved. This is why I say this.

Your implication by omission is that those who are not perfect don't get held and touched and loved. There are also billions of men who are not perfect in this world, billions who are far from it, who are being held, and touched, and loved.

It may feel that way to you, but it demonstrably isn't the reality. Go to any bar tonight, straight or gay, and you'll see that your feeling doesn't reflect the reality.

Why do you think your feeling is so far from the actual truth? How does that feeling serve your healing?

-efm

_________________________

Everybody here's got a story to tell
Everybody's been through their own hell
There's nothing too special about getting hurt
Getting over it, that takes the work

- "Duck and Cover" by Glen Phillips

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#342866 - 10/23/10 12:55 PM Re: Guys and Body Issues - More Common Than You Think [Re: Ever-fixed Mark]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
efm,

Please ignore my comment. I was telling you where I am coming from. NOT everyone has the same reality.

My reality seems to be far from the truth as you put it. I am happy you shared and I am thank you posted.

I am not so ok with being in public and being touched so it is my deal. I think I am like a lot of society who has issues with not being perfect. I have been in public and ALL of the men with the muscled bodies are being groped and touched. Just stating my reality.

My gayness is still very attached to being sexual and being perfect.

A





Edited by Avery46 (10/23/10 01:00 PM)
_________________________
aka DJsport

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#343374 - 10/28/10 04:28 AM Re: Guys and Body Issues - More Common Than You Think [Re: prisonerID]
learning2remember Offline
Member

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 289
Loc: Europe
Prisoner ID,

I agree totally with what you are saying. I didn't mean to say we don't need more specialized attention at males, just that there is no need to resent the attention that females get. It doesn't need to be a competition.

I've had some body image issues, and also sometimes struggled with self-injury. These things are difficult enough, but one thing that made it harder was the misconception that these are women's issues. I felt somewhat emasculated just for having these struggles.

It would be important if general articles mentioned men more, and if there was more done just about men.

_________________________
"This is not my shame, this is their shame." Mona Eltahawy

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#343378 - 10/28/10 05:52 AM Re: Guys and Body Issues - More Common Than You Think [Re: learning2remember]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
learning2remember,

Good (way too early) morning to you. Our country is like a pendulum many times. We swing here and there in extrememes but we have difficulty in putting out a broad effort for people in general. This is especially true in the area of emotional health issues. I appreciate your responding back and it is always good to have clarification since meanings can be lost.

I really do not resent anyone and if it ever appears that way I hope someone seeks clarification from me. My resentment is towards therapists and researchers who choose not to do a more specific work for men concerning issues that afffect many. I of course am a little more sensitive about those that have altered my own life. But there are others as well that other men deal with daily.

If it appears I resented women it was not my intent. But I do feel angst towards the mental health community somewhat concerning eating disorders, though things have improved some.

I so understand what you meant by emasculated. I do not think they realize what they are doing when they hand a man materials that are 99.9% written for women. Ane then we are told to just replace "women" with "men"? The lazy bastards. smile

Thanks for the feedback - nice to hear another man say what is on my heart.


Daryl

_________________________
Broad statements often miss their true mark.

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#345096 - 11/13/10 04:10 PM Re: Guys and Body Issues - More Common Than You Think [Re: prisonerID]
Drew Offline


Registered: 11/12/10
Posts: 4
Loc: NC
Body image is a huge problem for me. I cannot look at my reflection. I can look at my face when I get ready in the morning but I avoid mirrors or anything where I can see my reflection. I never allow anyone to see me changing clothes. I guess that's one of my reasons I bomb out in relationships.


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#345117 - 11/13/10 06:05 PM Re: Guys and Body Issues - More Common Than You Think [Re: Drew]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
This topic is good to talk about. BUT it is the toughest for me.

I guess the biggest problem is undressing with other men around. One thing the abuse did to me what visual impair thoughts about my adult body.

TRiggers******

When I get naked is when I really am the most vulnerable like the rest of us. When I am naked I also remember my naked smooth self as a kid - one of my abusers was very hairy like myself as an adult today. My task with this part of my body image is too stay in my body and be ok with my adult body for which I am much better.

What have others done to help themselves overcome any self-esteem issues with their bodies?

Drew, I too have bombed out in relationships.

Donnie



Edited by Avery46 (11/13/10 06:26 PM)
Edit Reason: add trigger message
_________________________
aka DJsport

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#345126 - 11/13/10 07:18 PM Re: Guys and Body Issues - More Common Than You Think [Re: prisonerID]
westchesterguy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/13/09
Posts: 421
Loc: Westchester County NY
well, i don't fully grasp the concept of what the masses think is attractive for a male today - those photos don't come close in my view either.

did have a bad self image from as early as i can remember well into my 30s. all the adults would comment on what a good looking boy i was, but their view didn't count. they weren't my peers. before puberty "my friends" were calling me 'fag' all the time so naturally i had a bad self image in the first place. and for the record, i had no clue what fag meant (a cig?)

at puberty the body was changing and that is also when rape happened. downhill from there. several times i did hear those same adults saying "he was such a nice looking boy... what happened?" and "my friends" continued the fag label, but by then i'd been enlightened by force and associated it with pedophilia.

and yet during my teens and 20s i did try so hard, almost obsessively, to look good.

then therapy. then not my fault. then i'm ok. then felt better.

i almost laugh at myself today looking at those pictures of a teen and 20something and 30something. i wasted all that effort to look good and never had to in the first place.

40s. age has caught up. so has stress. and smoking too much. such is life. downhill from here. :-) but looks just no longer matter. give me brains. give me passion. let me see anger, kindness, expression. those all wrapped up are far more important that what is or is not on a guy's chest.





_________________________
Jeff

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#345154 - 11/14/10 09:51 AM Re: Guys and Body Issues - More Common Than You Think [Re: prisonerID]
diamondheart Offline
Member

Registered: 02/25/01
Posts: 157
Loc: Michigan
I have struggled with my weight and body image most of my life. It was no different when I came out to the gay community in 1995.

I use food as a way to cope with the pain and it put up a physical barrier up around me.

The world/media gives us this image of what beauty is and if you don't fit into that picture it leaves you feelings less.

_________________________
I am a gay guy just trying to find my way...

http://itismytimetoshine.wordpress.com

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#345174 - 11/14/10 02:40 PM Re: Guys and Body Issues - More Common Than You Think [Re: Avery46]
Ever-fixed Mark Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 729
Loc: United States
Originally Posted By: Avery46
Please ignore my comment. I was telling you where I am coming from. NOT everyone has the same reality.

Not everyone has the same experience and viewpoint, but there is just one reality. wink I can't ignore your comment because at one time or another I've made it myself. Just because today its your reality doesn't mean that tomorrow it can't be different.

Originally Posted By: Avery46
My reality seems to be far from the truth as you put it. I am happy you shared and I am thank you posted.

I am not so ok with being in public and being touched so it is my deal. I think I am like a lot of society who has issues with not being perfect. I have been in public and ALL of the men with the muscled bodies are being groped and touched. Just stating my reality.

My gayness is still very attached to being sexual and being perfect.

Our feelings are what they are. At the same time, we can look at them and compare them to others and to the real world and see that our feelings and our perceptions don't match those of others. And that's okay. But doesn't that make you curious? Doesn't it bug you that you're living under a set of beliefs that don't seem to restrict everyone else?

For me being gay isn't about the sex, it's about the attraction - emotional, spiritual, and, yes, physical to another man. As a kid I was gay before I had sex and if I take the pledge and never have sex again I'll still be gay long after.

I don't think any of that stops you tackling the questions I posed. I may be mistaken, but it seems like you are locked into your reality and resisting anything that might challenge it, or ask you to consider why it is even so.
  • Why do you think your feeling/perception is so far from the reality the rest of us see?
  • How do you think holding on to that feeling/perception helps or hurts you?
  • What does "perfect" mean to you in this context?
  • How does not feeling "perfect" affect what's possible for you and why?
  • What can those who are "perfect" have and what to those who are "not perfect" have in it's place?
I'm kicking myself in the butt right now over a set of feelings and beliefs that I have which don't reflect reality, don't restrict everyone else, and no one else should have to put up with. That's why I'm sensitized to this conversation and these kinds of belief systems we acquire and seem so committed to enforcing on ourselves.

-efm

_________________________

Everybody here's got a story to tell
Everybody's been through their own hell
There's nothing too special about getting hurt
Getting over it, that takes the work

- "Duck and Cover" by Glen Phillips

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#345183 - 11/14/10 06:45 PM Re: Guys and Body Issues - More Common Than You Think [Re: Ever-fixed Mark]
diamondheart Offline
Member

Registered: 02/25/01
Posts: 157
Loc: Michigan
I think it is important to remember we are all in different places in life. Whether you agree with what avery46 says, that's his reality. I don't think there is just one reality.

His feelings are real to him...

I think there is more to being gay than sex but I do think a lot of it is fixated on that but I also think we live in a world that is fixated over sex or restricting it...

There is this fixed view on what is and isn't beautiful, and if you don't fit into that category you can end up feeling less.

Being overweight can be a very tough thing, especially in the gay community. Look how some people have commented over the tv series "Mike and Molly". Go into gay clubs where all the men are attractive and you can leave feeling like crap. Sure part of it is your own insecurities playing games with your head but there are those who look down upon those who aren't fit, muscular, etc.

I think its great efm, that you are where you are at today but not everyone is. Each person has to get to their own comfort zone at their own pace.

I think this topic of not feeling perfect is very common, not just in the lgbt community.

How do you overcome body issues? I don't quite have the answer for that one because it is still something I am dealing with. These fears and insecurities didn't happen over night, so it is going to take time to overcome them. I think dialogues like these do help. Personally, I need to stop comparing myself to others and feeling less based on how others view me as.

What it boils down to, is loving yourself inside and out. Which for me is a hard thing to do.

_________________________
I am a gay guy just trying to find my way...

http://itismytimetoshine.wordpress.com

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