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#342420 - 10/18/10 06:11 PM MAY CONTAIN TRIGGERS!!!
Lilly Offline


Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 14
WARNING MAY CONTAIN TRIGGERS

I have a question for anyone who has an opinion.

First, my boyfriend was sexually abused by a male family member when he was a young boy and he is no longer in therapy. We've been together for almost 5 years. Our sex life has always been great but lately it's taken a strange turn.

Forgive my blutness but, he wants to wear my panties. I feel that he wants me to mildly humiliate him. I asked him why he wants to wear them and he says it's because he wants to be my, "bitch". Again, forgive me, I want to be accurate in hopes that someone might be able to share some insight. He even wants to wear them to work. I told him that he is nobody's bitch. When he brought it up again, he said that he just wanted to be close to me. I think he came back with that excuse to manipulate... work a different angle with me? I don't want to judge or make him feel embarrassed, I know the things he has told me about his abuse makes him fear that he's less than a man... I assured him that is not the case.

Here's the thing, if he wants to wear my panties, it's a little strange (he's a very muscular man and I am a very petite woman) but no harm done on my end. I don't want to be encouraging anything that could be damaging to him. In the past, he has kept silent grudges against me for things that I had no idea he had problems with and that he has brought up after a huge amount of time has past. I don't want to respond to him in the wrong way only to be blamed because I failed some test that he may be concocting in his own brain. I love him even though it gets pretty confusing and often times stormy.... I only want to understand what is going on in his head. Does anyone have any thoughts?


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#342423 - 10/18/10 06:49 PM Re: MAY CONTAIN TRIGGERS!!! [Re: Lilly]
Lavinia Offline


Registered: 12/02/09
Posts: 61
Hi Lilly,

This is tough for me to reveal but my partner Zack cross-dresses from time to time and I've always been okay with it because it seems to comfort him and from what he has told me about his childhood, he was playing with his mom's hats, shoes, and makeup before his stepfather started sexually abusing him so I think it's part of his nature and not related to his abuse.

Obviously, I don't know your boyfriend so I'm not sure why he wants to wear your panties - Zack doesn't wear mine since I'm "plus sized" and he is thin - but he may be trying to deal with emotions related to when he really did feel submissive and vulnerable. I would say that as long as you are okay with his cross-dressing and your sex life is satisfying overall, don't worry about it.

I do understand the constant "testing" though, which seems to be a common theme among survivors...as with any relationship, open communication is important. I constantly ask Zack if he needs to talk to me about "something." Usually, he keeps a strong wall up to protect himself but he will discuss things openly and honestly with me when we're alone together.

Once again I have written a book and I don't even know if I have helped so I'll stop here. Best wishes to you and your boyfriend, Lilly! It sounds like you have a solid relationship so don't let this bother you too much. Also, feel free to send me a private message if you want to discuss this further.


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#342494 - 10/19/10 12:06 PM Re: MAY CONTAIN TRIGGERS!!! [Re: Lilly]
Neverquit Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/26/10
Posts: 147
Loc: Ohio
I was abused by my mother as a child, and a year or two ago (im 26) I went through a phase where I wanted to wear womens panties - and I kind of relate to the bitch thing. I was not consciously aware at the time I was abused since I had repressed all memories, but looking back and based on what I know now, I believe it was an attempt for me to master my abuse.

The emotions associated with the abuse were surfacing, and I feel like that phase was me trying to express them as best I could since I didn't know what to make of them. It was just this urge / desire.

To phyco analyze myself I believe I was playing a role during the phase which I thought was congruent with the role I played back then. And this role made everything ok (even though it was a lie to myself) I was in a way telling myself Im not hurt because Im just into this sort of thing. (ie: Im was and am in control all along!)

The only actual advice I feel comfortable giving is encouraging him to see a therapist if he hasn't already gone through all therapy associated with recovery - or restarting therapy if he quit when he got better but not fully healed (like im good enough). Maybe now hes strong enough to restart the process?

Good luck! And I wanted to add I don't believe there is anything wrong with what he wants to do. CSA totally destroyed me and I have a lot of compassion for others who deal with their issues the best they can.

~Grant

_________________________
There is always hope

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#342508 - 10/19/10 05:45 PM Re: MAY CONTAIN TRIGGERS!!! [Re: Neverquit]
Lilly Offline


Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 14
Lavinia,

Thank you for responding. I am trying to keep communication open and flowing between us but he's not always willing. Last spring I got him a birthday gift and all hell broke loose....it was a watch and he felt I shamed him, he felt that I was running a game with him.... he didn't trust it. His usual way of creating distance between us is the threat of breaking up and for him to start dating another woman. Most times I know he's only kicking dirt and sass but it is wearing on my heart and ego.

Thank you for sharing with me, just knowing I'm not alone and someone is hearing me is comforting and extremelly helpful!

Take care,
Lilly


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#342514 - 10/19/10 07:05 PM Re: MAY CONTAIN TRIGGERS!!! [Re: Neverquit]
Lilly Offline


Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 14
Hi Grant,

For awhile there I was on a mission, I was going to wear him down until he
went back into therapy, he dug heals and I spun and tore at my
hair. It got to the place where it was all I ever talked about and niether one of us could stand me. I settled down and started to read the books I bought him. I got a therapist and started to explore why I am with someone with these particular issues, what issues am I bringing into this relationship and how do I get ahold of my own crazy.



Things calmed a bit.....wind stopped blowing, he and I's dresses fell back down from our heads and our issues haven't been showing until (maybe) now with the panty thing. I am trying to be understanding, I am trying to keep from freaking out where I have every mental health professional in a hundred mile radius on speed dial.

The truth is.... I love him. I look at him and I fall to the floor, I am attracted to him in a way that I have never known before with anyother man. He smiles at me and I'd wear his underware to work....on my head if that did "it" for him. I love him so much that I would stand in between him and anyone who had the intention of harming him. At the risk of sounding dramatic.... I would die fighting for him. The one thing I won't do is take a part in hurting him more than he's already been hurt.

Thank you for your insight. I get overwhelmed and don't know what I should be doing. He can't always talk to me, that wall between us gets pretty high. I value any and all informaton that your willing to share.


Wishing you peace and love,
Lilly




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#342517 - 10/19/10 08:56 PM Re: MAY CONTAIN TRIGGERS!!! [Re: Lilly]
1islandboy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 862
Loc: washington
Lilly,

Since the post has a trigger warning...I am assuming that I can communicate freely...

Through my eyes a condensed version...my uncle snuck into my room on two different occasions when I was around 6~7 years of age...exposed my legs...(warm and snuggly up top)...and proceeded to perform oral sex on my while I lay there frozen.

***hole in my memory***

From then on it was always me doing him...he would start fondling me...get me aroused...and always ruin or deny my orgasms...(I never understood it at the time...but it was never about me...it was about me servicing him).

Having lost a testicle due to being born with herniated testicles and being that I was so young...I believe that my both my sexual identity and sexual orientation hadn't fully developed yet...alone in my thoughts...I was left to come up with my own conclusions.

(I knew about child abuse...but I did not know about child sexual abuse...and had no idea that my uncle was a pedophile and had absolutely no concept of feminization)...

What I came up with instead was that my uncle was married to my aunt...ergo...he was not gay...not being sure of my true sexual orientation...made me increasing think that my identity...was more and more of that of a girl...(trapped in a boys body).

***Throwing in a disclaimer...that I am only a survivor and am in no way a mental health profesional***

It is my belief that he is not trying to gain some sense comfort ~or~ control through re-enacting his abuse with you...but rather trying to rewrite a new and better history...in the hopes that you will also share this highly personal desire of humiliation....erotic as he does.


Dedicated Follower of Fashion (Kinks)

island

_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

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#342518 - 10/19/10 09:12 PM Re: MAY CONTAIN TRIGGERS!!! [Re: 1islandboy]
Neverquit Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/26/10
Posts: 147
Loc: Ohio
I feel like gaining control and rewriting a new and better history are one in the same. A history where I was in control means I wasn't abused... because I was in control the whole time. And abuse is powerlessness.

And Lilly, I think you are totally awesome for caring this much. Aside from therapists and other survivors, I haven't met anyone who can demonstrate the level of compassion you're showing him. I need to reach out more.

~Grant

_________________________
There is always hope

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#342572 - 10/20/10 08:03 PM Re: MAY CONTAIN TRIGGERS!!! [Re: 1islandboy]
Lilly Offline


Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 14
Dear Island,

I am so sorry that your uncle hurt you. That you are willing to share what must have been terrifying and unspeakable.... that you could write about it now, helping me and everyone who comes here to connect, share and attempt to understand a loved one.... It is proof of the strength and bravery of the man you've grown to be inspite of what was done to you.

My bf use to be able to talk to me, he still does once in a great while. Mostly I talk a nd he sits silent..... I mean nothing but crickets. Even if I ask him a direct question concerning our relationship or his feelings, if he answers me at all, his reply is, "I don't know".

Thank you for taking the time and responding, from what he has told me, you both have had similar expierences concerning your childhood sexual abuse. So your input is probably very close to what he might be feeling.

Love,
Lillly


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#342576 - 10/20/10 08:14 PM Re: MAY CONTAIN TRIGGERS!!! [Re: Lilly]
Lilly Offline


Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 14
Grant,

You are here reaching out, I wish my boyfriend would come here! Believe me, for him....coming here and sharing would be a huge step that he feels he's not strong enough to take. Don't make light of what you've accomplished. You can also believe that I am selfish, I don't want to loose my friend. I feel him slipping away from me emotionally and it scares me.

Thank you again, Grant.
Love,
Lilly


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#342595 - 10/21/10 12:36 AM Re: MAY CONTAIN TRIGGERS!!! [Re: Lilly]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
It is hard to feel them slipping away emotionally. Hard on you because you want to be with him, but also hard to watch them go through that pain. I wish it was me instead of him...I'd rather suffer than watch him suffer. I'm sure you know the feeling.


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