hi, i just joined this site to hopfully gain some power in an area of my life which feels crippled.

my abuser was an older girl when i first started high school 12-13, i had few freinds and was taken under her wing, she would constantly mess with my head, telling me i was just a freind/like a little brother one day then being very sexualy aggressive to me.. ..and so on.

after that 'relationship' i chose to identify as a gay male (thinking i guess, if im gay it means she cant hurt me)

so i dated men, i did the gay cuase, pflag and gay/straight alliance and such, i looked so brave, so many people look up to me and say how strong i must be to do such brave things.

I AM A COWARD!

i was running the whole time, living as a cardboard image.

i dont know who i am, gay or straight, i dont know if the dominatrix chicks i chase are just some unhealthy form of wanting that abuse back.. i dont know anything really..

i am 24 and i feel like all i will ever be is abused or abuser, i want a real relationship, fall in love, but i dont know if i can, some part of me is still trapped with my abuser

well thanx

Hi vanity.

Welcome to MS. You say you are a coward, but you took a rather non-coward step by coming to talk to us. Glad you found us.

Andy

You've come to the right place and let me echo Tex's comments: You are very brave for coming forward. Thank you for sharing with us.

If you haven't located the services of a therapist - make that one of your first steps. It sounds similar to what many of us have felt and you need help like, yesterday.

You've already started on the path to healthiness: Keep sharing - keep going.

Vanity,

Welcome to MS. You have great courage to open up your heart to acknowledge your thinking and your internal struggle.

This is a huge step.

Your amongst good men going through the same questions.

Wanted to add that there is a section for Female abuse survivors.

A

Hi, my fraternal brother,

Welcome to MS. here you will receive compassion, understanding & love, from your brothers (fraternal) & friends (in pain).

We all have been there. We have been into the depths of our soul & hell too.

We will hear your cries. We will help in your fears & we will share in your tears.

You are already experiencing the roller coaster of emotions, that we must deal with.

You definately not a coward, if you were you probably wouldn't be here. And to post here for the first time takes a great deal of courage.

Most, if not all of us have been hiding behind a mask, so no one could see the true us.

As far as labeling yourself sexually. Take your time, find a competent therapist. To help you sort all these emotions & feelings out.

I am a victim of incest by my "mom", see the abused by a female
forum. Take a look around, you'll see that you have a lot of company.

You have an identity, a male survivor of female abuse.

As for running all the time, we all do that to some extent. I even tried to drown that lost boy in alcohol, for 22 years.

But, my fraternal brother, vanity, we are here for you. Whenever you are ready, we'll be here, either in chat or here on the public side.

May i reccomend a powerful book to you? It's called Victims No Longer, by a Mike Lew. It will help you to sort things out & it will guide you along your path to become a true survivor. You can go to the book store on the home page and order it. or maybe your public library will have it for check out.

My fraternal brother Vanity, heal well.

"I will take my lost boys hand, and i will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As He is Me.

Pete..Irishmoose.

You're not a coward, Vanity, and you are not alone. I believe you are capable of a real relationship, but it will take work. Relationships always require work, but for survivors like us, it might take more. Don't give up, though, the work is worth it, and you will find plenty of help here.

Hi,
Be true to yourself, be with one self first before you decide to engage in other. however, that,s what the shrinks say, ...nothing is lasting forever...see, it,s like a wave of clouds it comes and it goes, live changes always and open your mind to anything you wish to become and focuss on it.
I know I ran my whole life for all the different reasons, SA,DID, (disassociated identiy disorder) and I still don't exactly whom I am sexually, I am not gay but most likely BI am still attracted to the young i.e. over 18 ofcourse and get myself in trouble with myself.
It's an object from the past, I think, because of my brothers abuse it never left me. I spent tons of money to heal myself and still not shaken those feelings yet.. I learn how to live with it and at times it's bad and other times if I am concious about it I gain more control. this forum is helping me and I started reading ..
I like sharing ...and know one thing...never give up..
thanks