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#338235 - 08/13/10 08:22 AM I didn't share at Celebrate Recovery tonight
fhorns Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 613
I know some have had bad experiences with CR (Celebrate Recovery), but I haven't, not as a group. For those who don't know, it's a Christian 12-step group following after AA traditions.

Well, first off, I went right after my T session, which is from 6-7. CR starts at 7. This was only my second T session, and we're still digging into family setup/roles right now. So I wasn't necassarily triggered, but having come out with some old memories, I was allowing myself to feel vulnerable. The same thing happened last week, and I didn't say anything then either.
Additionally, I was thinking "they should accept me because this is where I'm at". I sincerely didn't/don't want to put up a front. (I question my expectations and am open to feedback on this.)

Well, the men's group is a smorgasbord. Addicts, codependents, sexual issues--and anyone else are all together since adequate leadership isn't available for other men's groups. The sharing started without a focus question, but as the first 2-3 guys started, it led into "what are some good choices you've made this week, and what are some bad choices?" I didn't feel threatened by the tone, but I also wasn't prepared to talk. So I just sat. My sponsor sat next to me, even giving me a funny evil eye (saying "you must talk"), but I smiled and shook my head "no".

I didn't talk because I felt again like a 12 year old around older high school kids--aka not really safe. I knew if I opened up, I wouldn't be focusing on anyone else's problems, but.....I would want and (expect) them to "big brother" me. I would want attention. I would want them to help carry it. In other words, I wanted to feel important. I just didn't trust they would/could do that.

I wasn't comfortable with this. Before the meeting ended, I remembered something I had done almost two years ago. I had written a letter, emailed it to my sponsor, and asked if he thought I could/should share it. He was impressed, and I still remember the reaction of the guys there that night whwn I read it. I had shared specific fears, fears of being "should" on, of people's unhelpful advice, and how it strangled and tangled me when I had issues. I still remember one guy saying "wow, you've been sitting here with that. I had no idea".

I'm strongly considering that again. My emotional focus often wavers around as people are sharing, and having something written is so helpful to me. I'll throw it out here once I've composed it, because I share with some fear: I need you guys too. I don't have face to face contact with any here, but what I read tells so much about you, much more than small talk and "impressions". I need you guys.

With that, I'm going to work on the letter. I'll see you guys later.

Alfred


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#338351 - 08/15/10 11:35 AM Re: I didn't share at Celebrate Recovery tonight [Re: fhorns]
SamV Offline

Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5935
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Alfred,

You chose to make the decision to go, you chose to go to the event, you chose to sit with the group, you chose to listen and support with your presence, you chose not to speak, you are choosing to verbalize in a letter.

Looks like you made all the right decisions.

Sam

_________________________
My SENSITIVE Difference

"Lets talk about that."

Go Get A Hug: HUG>porn

*When provoked* "Anyone holding back his sayings is possessed of knowledge. (Proverbs 17:27)"

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#338376 - 08/15/10 08:03 PM Re: I didn't share at Celebrate Recovery tonight [Re: SamV]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2430
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, my brother, Alfred,

Progress, another step.

Write that letter, pour your wonded soul in it.

Heal well, my brother Alfred, healwell.

Pete..Irishmoose.

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#340094 - 09/12/10 10:34 AM Re: I didn't share at Celebrate Recovery tonight [Re: petercorbett]
fhorns Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 613
An update of CR happenings with me.

Thought I'd let you know. Last Thursday I shared with my group some of what I shared at the top of this post. I spoke what I was feeling---fear. I shared I often come in fearing rejection, so I don't share. I shared I often want or really crave someone to pick up my pain, my loneliness, and knowing this is shameful, so I haven't shared. I don't like carrying MY stuff. I shared that I cope with it by hiding. I've done it all my life.

In a CR group two days earlier, I spoke up about hiding, and the facilitator asked if it equaled "invisible"---yes, yes, yes I told him. "If I don't talk to you, you won't know me, and I won't be hurt." The facilitator in that group later pointed out how I had gone back into hiding right after I shared. I was WOWWED. He noticed. He saw that. I sought him out after letting him know what lies underneath it is what's pressing my buttons most of the time. The first sharing was just to unmask myself to test the room. I told him, if he were to probe, I would dump more.

That is real "therapy" in a group, versus support. Someone asking "what's on your mind now?" would have opened/allowed a small outbreak from me. I told him, "next time, shoot! Ask away." I thank God some are willing and able to (allow???) my pain there. (Seems like "allow" has always been the issue/question for me. I've owned this stuff for decades. Someone asking about it is VERY rare.)

So, to sum this up, I was asking the group, "can I trust you? Will I be rejected when I'm honest?" So, some hope brews.

Alfred

BTW, I never composed the letter, for it would have been nothing but anger and blame. It would only hurt. I never composed it--because they didn't cause my original pain, shame, and anger.



Edited by fhorns (09/12/10 10:42 AM)
Edit Reason: BTW

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#340096 - 09/12/10 10:40 AM Re: I didn't share at Celebrate Recovery tonight [Re: fhorns]
Jim1961 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/10/09
Posts: 1100
Loc: Pa, but likely traveling...
Good stuff Alfred. It's when the walls come down that healing begins. It almost sounds like a cliche, but it is SO true.

Jim

_________________________
Loneliness is a power that we possess to give or take away forever. -Yes, Starship Trooper

My Story

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#342165 - 10/15/10 01:33 AM Re: I didn't share at Celebrate Recovery tonight [Re: Jim1961]
charlote22 Offline


Registered: 10/15/10
Posts: 1
Websites are always helpful in one way or the other, anyways, It's a good way to get started to renovate your dreams into the world of reality.

_________________________
642-973, 646-563, 1Y0-A09, 1z0-042

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