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#341932 - 10/12/10 09:17 AM Was it me?
Marley Offline


Registered: 10/06/10
Posts: 54
In giving this some thought over the weekend, I came to the conclusion that my biggest fear at the moment is how people in my life will react, how they will judge me, how they might treat me differently once they know my history. I assume I am not the only one with that fear. I assume that like others, I have become very good at faking it.

This is difficult to write about and think about.

Upon processing I was given, I suppose you could call it a guide, that is not the right word for it but basically it is someone who has already served for a while, who has good behavior, who is assigned to the new guy to sort of show him the ropes. I clung to him for dear life, being twenty and small for my age I was concerned about, a lot of things.

Within the first month things went fairly smooth, of course there were the implied threats, taunts and general (inside) rules on the pecking order.

I had confided in my guide, nothing major, more of a generic statement that I had been physically abused at home by my father. He asked if there was also sexual abuse, I simply replied ďyesĒ and left it at that. There was no response from him, he let out a sigh and changed the subject. It never came up again between us.

During the first assault, one of the guys clearly stated that by now I should be used to it. So many things were going through my mind, it was chaos, a lot of useless struggling and pleading, but I heard that comment and I asked him what he meant. He stated that "if I was good enough for my daddyÖ".

He said some other things too that I donít wish to put here.

So why am I fearful about this? It is not the act, but the idea that they assumed it was something I wanted because of my past. Would other people feel that way about me as well? I sometimes feel that way about myself. Again, a person I confided in betrayed me. He must have said something, how else could they have known?

I just wonder sometimes if it was me, not them.

Apologies, I canít express this the way I want too right now, maybe I canít get my point across with this, I know my words are kind of choppy. I sure hope someone can read into what I am trying to say here.

Marley



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#341934 - 10/12/10 09:26 AM Re: Was it me? [Re: Marley]
earlybird Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/10
Posts: 1007
Loc: WA USA
Marley,

Many of us wage a battle within ourselves each day over this very issue. Was it us - our fault! What did we do to deserve this? Why did we allow it? The list goes on and on.

Pure and simple fact is we were each powerless to stop what happened. The blame 100% of it lies directly on the shoulders and souls of the abuser.

That does not change the fears you or I carry about the what if's.....when of if people find out. There is no one reaction to expect. But the plain and simple fact is we need to figure out how to free ourselves from the shame and guilt. We can do this together

_________________________
Balanced (My goal)

There is symmetry
In self-reflection
Life exemplified
Grace personified

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#341935 - 10/12/10 09:43 AM Re: Was it me? [Re: Marley]
sono Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/09
Posts: 1069
Marley,

I haven't yet had the chance to welcome you to MS, so welcome.

Secondly, I read another of your posts in which you questioned whether sexual abuse during incarceration matters to anyone. I didn't have the chance to respond to you that of course we care very much about sexual abuse or rape regardless of where it happens. Serving whatever court mandated period of time under no circumstances gives someone the right to abuse that person. Particularly here in incarceration happy America where you can easily get more time for having a bag of weed (which is bullshit that that is illegal to start with!) than sexually abusing a male.

The first thing I thought when reading your story today was that that line that man used during that first assault seems like the kind of thing some asshole would simply say without needing to "know" anything. That being said, I can also imagine for whatever reason that guy who you did tell, telling someone I suppose...I mean, you knew the man not me. Those guys were looking for excuses at best, not making some kind of rational assumption about you wanting to have been raped since you were abused.

But since this has colored your feelings on telling others, indeed do take great care in selecting whom to tell. Go slowly in choosing people to tell...have a real reason to tell them...wait until you have been in recovery for a while and really have a deeper understanding of what happened to you and it's effects on you.

Marley, I am very sorry for all that has happened to you and wish you all the best success in turning it all around. And just again one more time, for us you are a survivor brother...period.

Hang in there,

Kevin

_________________________
the family
the perp

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#341936 - 10/12/10 10:23 AM Re: Was it me? [Re: sono]
Marley Offline


Registered: 10/06/10
Posts: 54
Earlybird, powerless to stop what happened. That is true and I can accept that there isnít much a child can do against an adult, but as a grown man? Mixed feelings there.

Kevin, ďIncarceration AmericaĒ indeed!

While I cannot go into the details of the arrest at this time, I will say, as I have said hundreds of times before, I did not do anything wrong. I will say that again, I did NOT do anything wrong. I was falsely accused and wrongly convicted. The other person involved panicked, lied and maintains the lies to this day even though it has been quite some time.

Unfortunately there is nothing I can do about it.

After leaving my fatherís house I thought the worst was over, that I was in the clear and could put things behind me and start building my life. He screwed me up badly but this person destroyed my life. So once again, I am starting over.

Yes, I have an ocean of resentment, regret and anger toward the people involved, the time spent there, all of it. Again, nothing I can do about it so what do I do with these feelings? Stuff them back down where no one can see them.

It is not so much a question of whether or not people care about sexual abuse during incarceration, there are a million websites on the matter, it is more a question of who deserves it. Eye for an eye sort of mentality. I was told dozens of times that I deserved it. It tore me up, I knew without a doubt in my mind and in my heart that I didn't, but sometimes to avoid pain and misery you have to lie to yourself and convince yourself that you DO infact deserve it. It makes it easier to handle, I do not know why.

Very true that I have always gone around assuming that what people know can hurt me. That way of thinking is a result of many things and the event I speak about here was sort of the straw that broke the camelís back. You are right, Kevin, they were looking for excuses and would have assaulted me with or without them. The guy I told, I am sure he traded my information for, who knows what, a favor, drugs, there could have been any number of reasons. I am sure he was doing what he did to survive like everyone else.

But I canít forgive myself, going through what I went through prior to that time, I should have been more cautious of people, I should have known. I suppose I didnít have a choice, told him things out of a basic need for companionship and safety.

Feeling upset and done here for the day.

Thank you all.

Marley



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#341958 - 10/12/10 07:40 PM Re: Was it me? [Re: Marley]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
Marley,

My instant reaction to your post was what you mentioned about your first assailant's words. Those words burn into our minds because they are in the midst of the assault. It is like POWs tortured physically while mentally they plant ideas and thoughts inside of the prisoner's head. I remember what my assailant's said and even "hear" those words quite often - but not as often as it it used to be. He used those words he said against you - to break you. It is hard to overcome them but I believe it can be done.

You had a list of "should haves" for yourself. May I ask? If I or another man here gave you that list - what would you say? Ultimately it matters not how I dressed that night or the fact I was not careful enough. The truth is I was not cautious the night I stopped to wash my car. But that did not compel them to attack me. That was the evil in their own hearts.

The same holds for you. I understand the complex issue this imposes on you. But look at that twenty year old as you would one of us. Maybe one day you can cut him the break you would give to me or any other man here.

It was not your fault. Not for any part of it. My theory? This man could not strive to be a survivor until he recognised he was a victim at the hands of others. Otherwise the shame is with me and not on them.


Daryl



Edited by prisonerID (10/12/10 07:45 PM)
Edit Reason: adding a thought
_________________________
Broad statements often miss their true mark.

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#341982 - 10/13/10 07:57 AM Re: Was it me? [Re: prisonerID]
Marley Offline


Registered: 10/06/10
Posts: 54
I am the last person on Earth who would judge someone based on their actions or the way they dressed or whether they were careful or not.

There is no reason in the world I can think of for someone to be abused or assaulted in any way. No one asks for this and no one deserves itÖ I am tempted to finish this sentence with (except me), but that is not logical.

It is easy for me to say and feel what I said above when thinking about any other man here or anywhere who has suffered and event as terrible as this. But I, like others, am hard on myself. Probably a lot harder than someone should be and I do believe that was partly my fatherís fault.
He was extremely hard on us; he expected perfection especially from me. Boys need to be tough, they need to be able to stand up for themselves and protect themselves. I canít begin to get into it but there are many mixed feelings and many contradictions growing up.

At the moment I donít feel as if I will ever be able to overcome this, or those words. They broke me, and broke me and broke me; itís so hard to admit that. I canít call myself a victim, again a huge conflict.

I could have fought harder and resisted more than I did, then again I could have simply given up and avoided a lot of pain.

Did I really have any choices or was it an illusion?

Thank you, for the suggestions and advice here.

Marley



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#341983 - 10/13/10 08:26 AM Re: Was it me? [Re: Marley]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
Marley,

It is so hard to do what I suggested. I need someone to remind me of it here and there as well. I do like you are looking at the programming your father placed upon and within you. I am glad to see that you are looking at fault outside yourself.

You are doing good right now even considering other options besides the shame and blame on yourself.

Let me finish your sentence. "There is no reason in the world I can think of for someone to be abused or assaulted in any way. No one asks for this and no one deserves itÖand that includes me." I just wish I could sign your name to that.

Glad you are here.


Daryl

_________________________
Broad statements often miss their true mark.

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#341991 - 10/13/10 09:46 AM Re: Was it me? [Re: prisonerID]
earlybird Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/10
Posts: 1007
Loc: WA USA
Nice finish to the sentence, Daryl. I need to sign my name to that as well. EB

_________________________
Balanced (My goal)

There is symmetry
In self-reflection
Life exemplified
Grace personified

Top
#341992 - 10/13/10 09:51 AM Re: Was it me? [Re: earlybird]
Marley Offline


Registered: 10/06/10
Posts: 54
It is a nice finish to the sentence. Hopefully someday soon I will be able to say that and believe in myself when I do.

Marley



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