I have struggled with this for years. I believe it is related to the sexual abuse. Usually, when I lie down to take a nap or go to sleep at night, urges and sexual fantasies emerge. The fantasies are always about men making love to me and finding that I am enjoying it. Now, I am married and I am not gay. But this has happened most of my life as long as I can remember, even as a child. Could it be linked to being abused not only by two day care men when I was young, but other abuse situations as I got older? If so, how can I end this nightmare of fantasies? Thank you for your time.
Thanks for the question as it is a common one.
It most likely IS related to having been sexually abused at day care by male perpetrators as well as to the other abuse situations you experienced. That often does cause what I call Homosexual Behavioral Imprinting. HomosexualBehavioral Imprinting is not one’s orientation but rather a cognitive or behavioral imprint to engage in and fantasize about member’s of one’s own gender when one has been sexually abused.
It is common to have homosexual fantasies after having been sexually abused. When children are sexually abused there is a part of the experience that is enjoyable. I am not saying that the child wanted nor enjoyed the abuse. What I am saying is that the body responds to pleasure with feeling the pleasure. So there is a positive association to the abuse.
He is simply left with an imprint to re-enact his homosexual abuse and find “pleasure” in what was inflicted on him as a child. In reality, this isn't pleasure at all, but trauma turned into orgasm. In the book, Male Victims of Same-Sex Abuse: Addressing Their Sexual Response by John M. Preble and A. Nicholas Groth they say it best:
this may actually reflect an effort at mastery of the traumatic event;..when he was being sexually victimized, someone else was in control of him sexually. During masturbation he is literally in control of himself sexually, and this may be a way in which he attempts to reclaim mastery over his own sexuality. Likewise, his participation in consensual sex reflects his choice and decision.
The authors go on to say that & the fantasy thoughts are prompted by fear more than desire, by anxiety more than pleasure. In other words, they become a way of managing the fear and anxiety.
Also if you come from a family where you are neglected just the act of what looks like kindness can feel good as well.
What to do about this is to seek therapy with a therapist who understands this phenomenon from sexual abuse. Seek one who is trained in dealing with trauma and sexual abuse and also understands healthy sexual expression. You may always have homosexual sexual fantasies and that doesnt have to be something that alarms you or haunts you or remains negative. I tell sexual abuse survivors that even if your fantasies come from abuse you dont have to feel traumatized each time you have them. Therapy will help.
For more information you can read at my website www.StraightGuilse.com