I have these compulsions to act out with other men and I am not gay nor am I bisexual. My acting out is always with some guy much older than me. Sometimes they are twice my age or close to it. I hate myself afterwards and swear to myself that I will never do that again, but I know that I will want to and sooner or later will.
My question to you is WHY? Why do I feel the need to do that and why is it ALWAYS with a much older guy? I am pretty sure that Trauma Reenactment is a part of it and maybe Father Hunger too, but I still don't know why I do it.
It's not for sexual pleasure or romance, I know that. So why do I still have this (perverted) urge to go out and have sex with a man that is so much older than I am. I'm not even Gay! Not that there is anything wrong with being gay, but I find women attractive, Not men!
I just wish I understood why I keep hurting myself. I really don't want to do this anymore. I hate this and don't understand it!
I just wish I understood it more. My behavior baffles me and I want to understand what is the driving force/ motivation behind my actions.
I can understand how you feel double traumatized both by compulsively acting out against your own will and doing it with the gender to whom you are not attracted.
First let me tell you about the word cathexis because this can clear up and distinguish the difference between trauma reenactment and sexual orientation.
Cathexis is the organization of an individual’s eroticism and/or emotional attachment with reference to the sex and gender of their sexual partner. It is a person's potential for responding with sexual arousal to persons of a specific sex and directs one’s sexual interest toward members of the same, opposite or both sexes. Cathexis involves your sexual fantasies, attachments and longings to a gender(s).
With this in mind, my question is are you sexually aroused by the males with whom you compulsively sexually act out? If you were sitting on a beach are you distracted by men, women or both?
Your sexual acting out with older males does not sound like your cathexis but rather about trauma. You need to be in therapy with a therapist who can work with you who understands trauma and even does EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing). EMDR has helped many people recover from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder which so many male survivors experience.
I don’t see what you are doing as intentionally hurting yourself. The unconscious is always moving toward the direction of healing and has positive intent.
I do think you need to stop using language like, “perverted” and “hating this” because you are shaming yourself and keeping whatever it is you are reenacting in the dark. This part of you needs to feel safe so it can come out and uncover what is going on.