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#34145 - 11/15/03 02:39 PM Total in pain
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
I am tired of this. tired of all that mentally hurts, yes, of course. But tired also of physical hurts. I am athlete, and have had my body breaking down of me since starting to deal of all this. I wish I can put it all back away somewhere and not deal of it, at least to get something back to working again.

If it is not one thing, is another. Still feeling some sick left over from when in hospital last week. It is mostly better now. This week, had toothache, had to go to dentist for first time in 6 years, since I fear dentist more then pain usually. I was lucky, he give me the happy gas, so was not so aware of all he was doing. Right now, I have eye infection again, this time in opposite eye of two months ago, so have headache and face hurting with that. And then fell in practice yesterday, slide into the boards with my head and hurt side of my neck. Right now, still, I can not turn my head to the left side, and it hurts even to hold my head up. Tired of feeling like I am 90 years old and body is falling apart. Tired of feeling like all I do is complain, bitch and mone. And tired of hurting, physical and mental.

Crap.

leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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#34146 - 11/15/03 03:08 PM Re: Total in pain
theo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/28/03
Posts: 1117
leosha,
lately i have had the same feelings of just being tired of it all. it gets to be so hard at times. the constant battles to stay at least half sane while trying to pursue some level of normalacy or at least balance. all our energy seems to be focused on maintaining a holding action against the darkness. it just gets overwhelming at times. i feel i am uniquely blessed in two ways, lady theo and my spirituality. both of those work in tandem when i am at my lowest. where it not for those two things the recall i had almost two weeks ago would have driven me over the brink. even when i can't see the horizon for having my face in the dirt from the fight i somehow hear the soft voice to carry on, to turn my head to the horizon just a little. somehow, i find the strength to crawl till i can stumble. you have a strength, leo, that it is dificult to see at times, i know, but it is there. your strength is evident when you reach out to another even in the deepest depth of your own pain. your strength is your heart, my friend.

_________________________
journey well,
theo dewolfe

- It is gift, and gift will find its way
- I inherit through my choice. I build through my affirmation. It is through my freedom that I nurture, or fade into autonomy
- I was not given to serve life, but to embrace it

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#34147 - 11/15/03 06:49 PM Re: Total in pain
FlyWM Offline
Member

Registered: 09/14/03
Posts: 322
Loc: Michigan
I know how you feel my friend. Being in pain is terrible, and it is not deserved. But in the end the pain will lessen, and you will heal, it is a long hard and painful road true, but it is one worth traveling. I know how much you hurt both physically and emotionally, and I am very sorry for it, but when you feel unable to face the pain any longer, or when it hurts just so bad, lean on your friends, that is why they are there, ad they will understand, and help you as much as they can. I know it hurts my friend, but the pain will subside in time, I know that time is not what you want, but sadly you have no choice. So much pain has been inflicted on you that it will take time, and support, so lean on your friends, as you make this journey.

scott

_________________________
Impossible is just a big word thrown around by small men who find it easier to live in the world they've been given than to explore the power they have to change it. Impossible in not a declaration, it's a dare.

--Adidas

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#34148 - 11/15/03 07:33 PM Re: Total in pain
bountiful1 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/03
Posts: 60
Loc: New York, New York, USA
HI Friend!

I know exactly what you are saying here. I was an athlete for 10 years and then a dancer for 16. I hate my body sometimes so much (all because of what I was told by those creeps that my body was) (That is BS). I am now taking lots of time for breathing in a chair and thinking of nothing... melting away inside my body to relax.

I do liitle things for myself and my body to keep it in my mind a special thing! Our bodies are ours now!!! possibities are endless.

with kind wishes from,

Asher

_________________________
We are such stuff as dreams are made on, and I dream of freedom and happiness and fulfillment for us all.

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#34149 - 11/15/03 08:53 PM Re: Total in pain
zoltin Offline
Member

Registered: 10/13/03
Posts: 37
Loc: Southern Illinois
Leosha,

Brother, I wish you healing. And please complain, bithch and moan all you need to. I for one will read your bitchings. I like Asher's advise and do so for myself all the time. In fact, before bed I think I will take a long hot bath by candle light, with incense burning and sweet music. Used to smoke cigars on such occasions, but I quit smoking 13 months and 5 days ago! Tomorrow, Sunday, I think I'll get up and drink coffee and stare out the front window for a couple hours!

Be well,
RickB


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#34150 - 11/15/03 08:59 PM Re: Total in pain
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
Asher your post is wonderful. Leosha, maybe it is time for you to back away a bit from the heavy work of your abuse issues. Ask your therapist about that. I know that at times I needed to be sure I did not read any books or do a lot of thinking about what is wrong with me. There is nothing wrong with us! We just have years of work to do to be well and free.

Alexei, could you maybe put most of your energy into your sport and then perhaps the things that seem to haunt you won't have the power they do now.

I am saddened to hear of the many injuries you have had and the infection. Be sure your fever does not go over 101. If it does you need to go to the ER even if you hate the idea of it.

Alexei, I know a lot about chronic pain and just wanting to be over it. It is very difficult to get our minds off severe pain. Would you have access to a hot tub or a whirlpool that you could soak in? Not too hot because of the infection that seems to be with you a lot.

I find some relief in swimming, and then a two minute dip in the whirlpool. For that time, the pain is not so bad. I will pray for you and continue to ask others to pray for you. You deserve lots of joy and health.

May you experience lots of serenity.

Bob

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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