Ok, lets get this right. I am not writing so good lately so I do not post so much, and nor do I read much, but I have been here some time.
This site gave me support in knowing that I was not so much mad, and I was not the only survivor of CSA.
I think that sometimes we do not grasp the real picture of what goes on in this site.
It is a site for healing, or so I might have thought, but sometimes assumptions are made of intention of other members.
I got to learn that everything was my fault in life, and that the World is some bad place to be living in. I built my self esteem from years of denial and sometimes it comes back to haunt me.
Firstly, I try not to assume that someone is not real or less deserving than another person, I not hold views about different people because they happen to be black, gay, lesbian or whatever God make them to be.
I spent 3 years working to help people get things they cannot get for themselves because of red tape and stuff, so I have been their advocate at Tribunals.
I am no saint and I had to stop doing it for my own peace of mind, because it hurt me to listen to hurt some.
I am not asking that people here say, oh wow, I only do this work to help other people, but maybe I was not strong enough to take their pain, and leave my own behind, but I just had to make the break away from it.
The main point in what I post here, is that, there is a lot of personality clashes going on, and their is also a lot of threads going so much overboard in the main forum, and the unmod forum.
I only know one thing tho, that problems with CSA are pretty profound, and I am also aware that there are people here who are going through it raw, and that is the toughest thing for anyone to ever even think about, or it was for me.
The real point I try to make here is this, that this place is overall a public forum which can be viewed by anyone who wants to look in here.
It should ultimately be a safe haven, a place to feel safe without duress, maybe a place where you can share a burden and talk about issues that really trouble your lives, and I am not of exception to that.
It just seems that every now and again, this place turns into turmoil, and although it is not so hard to understand, we all have to realise that everyone here is in a different stage of recovery or hurt
I do not have access to the control panel, but it would give me a better picture of just how many people watch the site, for whatever reason.
I am not tough, and I am not resiliant, and I can be hurt sometimes, but I can also be pretty good fighter, and that is what life teach me to do.
Thats also how I fought in what should be my childhood sweet memories.
It just gets to me, that we forget that people leave this site, or they dont post because they think, either they dont get listened to, or because they are somehow inferior of the majority.
A lot of people have stayed away because of emotions and anger portrayed here in the last couple of weeks, and I just suppose it rebounds on me and others in here to pick up pieces, because, yes, I do get PMs off people who hurt here.
I am sorry about this, but we have to see that it is us who make the site, and it is how we deal with compassion to others. Is it for us to hurt another when we got hurt ourselves like no other.
Is it for us to not keep the vulnerable here on site for support. Do we ever cry for their pain? Like we had to cry in our own hurt.
I suppose I have a fractured mind, but it hurt me to get this far I suppose, and it is no easy road to be on, and hurt can be really bad sometimes, but I sure dont like hurting this much, and yes, it does bring back memories and bad dreams sometimes being here.
I only know my own hurt, but it is sure not the nicest place to be, and nobody can share that hurt, only you. But is so good if you can help someone share it,
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!