I have a lot of memories of abuse. A lot. However, I know that there are more in there that are still causing me problems. How can I go about getting to these memories so I can confront them and rid myself of their negative effects? I want to deal with them right now. I've been patient far too long with this entire ordeal, waiting for "safety" so the memories can surface on their own. That's not working.

I will try anything that may work...

Ha, ha...

No one remembers how to, huh? :p

My original memories came back after nearly a year of being mentally abused in the present. I don't recomend that. What I do recomend is that you speak to people you knew at the time the abuse was going on.
If they don'tknow just talk about stuff and ask questions about events trivial and otherwise that don't even have to do with the abuse. Talk to family and friends about the same things. And then wait. Stuff will come. I don't know that anything you want will but stuff will.

While driving back from Sequoia 2010 across the wide open Nevada spaces I had a spontaneous memory recall (my combat veteran buddies call it a day-time intrusion) of an instance with my abuser/father that surprised me. I had no previous memory of this particular style of abuse. It was part visual & part visceral. No doubt the weekend allowed me to access that part of my memories. Seems to me it was challenging that "safety" that did it. The toughest part about the WoR was the decision to go, the decision to challenge the cocoon I had been in.

Hope this helps - West

JS

Watch out! Memories can be dynamite! Make sure you have a support system in place before you dig them out. My memories that came up and that I report in pufferfish story part 5 were quite devastating!

Given that, then I have found a bunch of techniques of opening memories. Pick and choose!

1) The technique I used when I first began recovery was to take an emotion, or something that triggers, and then when you are alone and in the quiet conditions, focus on that trigger or emotion and ask yourself, what in my childhood produced that emotion or that trigger. I still consider this a primary technique.

2) Movies. I remembered having been abused by my grandfather when I was 4, but I couldn't remember much in the way of details. Then I stumbled across the movie: The Education of Little Tree. It's a good movie and I recommend it. But the situation and the grandfather in the movie just brought out so much in my own memory that it filled in the blanks for me. So much in the movie seemed like it was made just for me because of the familiar details.

3) Deep Relaxation. I had some counseling by a T who specialized in DID therapy. He taught me how to do "deep relaxation". It is a type of light hypnosis. It was very harmless and I quickly learned how to do it. It's power is that we have trouble reaching into our early memories. With this technique I was able to recall the events. My first memory up under his care was other abuse when I was almost 4. The first part of the memory was quite pleasant: We had gotten a new puppy for Christmas. I was rolling on the floor playing with the puppy. Then I remembered the circumstances of the first abusive event.

4) Toys. I recently attended a train show for toy trains. This was a serious event however, where they were seriously buying and selling trains. I saw the train sets that I had as a boy. It brought back a lot of memories. Most of the memories were good. Try going to a toy store and just browse around and look at all the toys. Keep a mental or written note of any that start to bring back memories.

5) Reading and other information sources. It was about 10 years after my first memories came up and I hadn't been able to remember the name of my abuser when I was 12. The newspaper came and plastered in the headlines was the last name of my abuser. It was as though the name was highlighted. I remembered that was the name of the abuser. Then I found some books about the same guy.

6) Gentle probing by a therapist. A good therapist can help you probe your memory.

7) I was one of those guys who could not remember most of my childhood. I could only remember just a handful of events. But after I started memory work, it became plain that the few events I did remember were significant leads into important or abusive events. So... the technique is to take a memory from your childhood and then start examining it in your mind and see if it leads to an abusive event.

8) I was driving in the West. Something about the sunlight or the scenery that I still don't understand started to bring out a memory. Later when I was in the motel, I started tracing that initial recollection backwards.

This relates to the experience of West in the previous post.


9) Search any old photo albums from your family or friends or relatives. If you find any pictures that bring out some strong emotions, you might suspect that meditating on that picture might bring out a memory. Or look at old journals or old letters, etc.

10) Visit the houses or places you lived in. Maybe they will let you see inside the house. Or if you can't get there, then use GoogleMap to go to the address of your house and see the outside of it and the houses across the street, etc.

11) People you see or meet. I saw a boy swimming in a pool who seemed to remind me of something significant. Later I followed the memory in my mind to its roots in an abusive event. The way you do that is you get in a quiet place and then you hold up the memory of the person in your mind. You have to be relaxed and quiet. Then after a few minutes you may start to have a memory of the original event come up.

Allen

pufferfish

Yes memories come back to me all the time.... I really don't remember much of my life except for the last yr when I started working with my T and clearing the original trauma I experienced when I was 2,3, and 6 years old. After I cleared the original molestation all of these other sexual abuse memories up until last yr continue to come back and I am clearing them one by one...

The theory is that the original trauma becomes embedded in our cellular memory and damages our chakras and meridians... The original trauma creates a "bulleyes" so to speak on urself where predators can pick up you are vulnerable to abuse. Also there is another theory is that once you are abused and you dissociate the original abuse you continue to put yourself in more abusive situations in order to help remember the original abuse. I know I did. Prolly abused by 25 to 30 people....

Anyways I have been using Aura patches and eft to clear and then recover more sexual abuse memories.... The comfort/pain/trauma patch is very effective in clearing and recovering traumatic memories.

The comfort/pain/trauma/tens aura patch is very good at recovering and clearing the energenic memory of abuse.

Great topic-it's useful for me to recall how I went from not knowing whatsoever to breaking thru to the reality of the events that warped my adolescence and the first 25 years of adulthood.

1)'take care of yourself-body, mind and soul. I've lived most of my life as though I were under attack-being defensive, reactive and lurching from crisis to chaos.

By getting help and committing to healthy taking care of myself-I developed safety and trust and support-both inside and in the outside world.

2)make sure you develop this safety for yourself-abstain from abusive relationships, escapism, and compulsive addictive behavior: many of my decisions tended to reinforce the consequence of the abuse-isolation, low self-esteem, brokenness.

3)'trust your gut/don't rely on outside affirmation as the first resort. Your experience and intuition are primary here.

4) let yourself feel-no matter how uncomfortable it is-take time set aside periods to let these feelings come up. Disengage your rational mind and ask your body what it remembers. For years after getting sexually monogamous and honest I felt a deep sense of loneliness that "didn't make sense". I had a wonderful wife and family-but deep down was the loneliness and heartbreak of the abuse of my early childhood I never processed.

5) as these feelings come up,'acknowledge them write about them and let the pieces slowly come together. Why was I so shut down and angry and lonely as a kid? Why did my dad not take me to the police station (my mom did) to report the guy who tried to proposition me and did expose himself? Why did this guy say my older brother did let him in the house and they "messed around"? Why did my mom's ONLY reference to sex come decades later about my older brother having sex with men downstairs at our home? (he was a teenager for crissakes.) why was this going on in our home?

I still don't have answers to some of these questions- I know my older brother was abused-as were several teens in the neighborhood-I know those teens held me in that room and abused me taunted me and forced themselves on me. I know I tried to act that out and take vengeance on other males sexually in my 20s and 30s. To this day, I can still experience male relationships as rape - work, bosses, clients-there is this old underlying fear that stems from the csa.

6)Honor yourself and learn to heal.'commit to walking thru this
And expressing your truth. Know what integrity feels like for yourself. Find brothers on this journey to help you, care for you, and keep you safe and moving upwards. There will be times of despair and bleakness-these are the past finally expressing itself-they are not your reality today.

My T once told me I don't need to KNOW everything about my csa-only as it comes up and expresses itself in my world and life today. That was practical guidance-healing is a process, not an event. Integrating lessons learned and changing behavior on a daily basis are enough for me-today.

When the feelings of csa first erupted at a men's retreat, I remember a voice inside: "More will be revealed". Within a few weeks, the flashbacks came, then the memories, then the pieces started to come together.

More important is that I am learning to react differently today. I understand more, fear less, and still have to challenge myself to keep moving forward and make a life for myself.

Peace

Men,
I sure appreciate these posting! I entered recovery in Feb 2010, attended WOR Sequoia 2010, and have full realization the "roller coaster effect" as I have seen it described. I also can relate to what Sam described as the accordian effect....absorbing information to saturation and needing time to meditate & process in order to release pain, frustration and simply wrong preconcieved notions, making room to intake more knowledge. The information offered here on accessing memories I will laminate on a how to card for myself and any new comers.... it may not make sense in the begining, but definately comes into play when you are able stabilize the pain & frustration enough to wrap your mind around the concept of a lengthy diligent recovery process. We didn't get here overnight & it won't just disappear overnight. My best to all in this process, and many thanks to those ahead of me who are so willing to share & be transparent to help fellow survivors.

To All, thank you for these great posts. This is a great thread.
But I have to admit to a fear of doing many of these recommendations alone. I have done many of them with my T. But the thought of "exploring" and digging into new/additional memories .... all by myself .... is frightening. Am I being too fearful?

EvanCan,

It depends on the memories. You have to look at the memories that have already come up and see what they were like. If they were severe, or if there are still some gaps where you haven't remembered, then maybe you should continue to work with a T.

Even though I had some extremely severe memories, many were'nt too bad, especially like those memories from seeing the train show.

Allen

pufferfish

I have had memories come up as a result of seeing cartoons.

The first series of abusive events I experienced, I was 4 years old. I remembered the house we lived in on into adulthood. But the perp I couldn't remember too well directly.

Then someone else here in MS gave a link to a cartoon. I looked at it and recognized it as being in a setting where my dad worked at the time of the abuse:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CUYZYJ7XueI&feature=player_embedded#

(sorry, I see that this cartoon has been removed)

In another cartoon which is still available on dvd, I saw the location of abuse. I actually recognized it although I had seen it only one time. I had already remembered that the perp took me in his car on what I believe was a Saturday to where he and the others worked. We didn't have car seats then and I couldn't see out the window. They were making cartoons in the studio where he took me(this was a famous outfit - I don't feel free to give the name - maybe you could guess it). There were a bunch of grown men sitting around in chairs. The easels were covered with heavy cloth.
Then they proceeded to have an orgy. I was sitting with the perp on a day-bed and watched (not recommended for 4-yr-olds).

I'm going to try to find the cartoon and substitute a link here for the name of the cartoon.

Allen

pufferfish

Evan,
If you expect anyone outside of MS and your T's office to believe you, you will have to let them come up on their own w/o the "help" of a T.
I do not think a T can help bring up memories. There is no "digging" for them.
The only way things forgotten come back up is due to traumatic events that trigger them, or by going over the known events at any particular time of life, with input from someone who was there or knew at the time, and remembering them sequentially with the perceptions of others and their input added to your own knowledge. Then maybe something forgotten will come to you.
Anything else may be real but it will always be suspect. You can always call your therapist for help after recalling something.

Me, I have only ever wanted help dealing with the trauma that caused the memories to come back, but I can see that 10 or 20 years ago they may have caused me great trouble on their own. That would have been due to my fears and insecurities not mental unhinging.

EDIT
I recomend not telling people as you recall. Wait until it sorts itself into something coherent and is no longer the faded thing slowly coming into focus. People often tend to treat this as either an opportunity to rewrite history by trying to insert false information or to cross examine one resentfully as if it were their place to do so.

Thank you, all, for your input.

I have temporarily halted attempts to recover memory. I will let it happen when and if my brain is ready.

wish i had the answers for you but the truth is i need the same anwers to the same question, i wish you well with your recovery good luck from chrisH

Thanks for the replies.

Here is another idea about recovering memories. This one is more important than some of the others i mentioned.

12. Observe your own reactions to people. If you are triggered by someone or even have an angry reaction, then try to analyze it and see what circumstances in your childhood or elsewhere conditioned you to react in that way.

Allen

pufferfish

puffer,

Funny you should bring 12 up when you did... from about 10/6 I've been trying to do just that. I'm so far not very successful at it at all, but the effort is there.

It isn't always the easiest thing to do.

Sometimes there are probably so many emotions firing at you. It probably seems like a confusing situation. Do you have a T? If you do, he could probably work with you on some of this.

Try to focus on one person who has upset or triggered you and then when you are in a quiet place, try to think: "Hmmmm, who does that remind me of from long ago?"

Allen

pufferfish

rotflmao - No.
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...0637#Post340637


I'm still working on it. Your advice on focusing and thinking really has worked. Progress.

I post on some other techniques of bringing up memories of abuse in the post here:

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...2271#Post342271

These are very powerful professional techniques.

Allen

pufferfish

I'm having some real difficulty getting to the memories that I know are in there but just can't get out. Essentially nothing I have tried is working. I can't deal with something that I can't remember and I know that those remaining repressed memories are hurting me.

&#!@&%$(*@^!#)*&^@#(*%!@&*^%#&!@^)*^@$^!@) <--- sorry about the foul rant.

Well, I believe that things surface when they are ready to, so I believe in not forcing things to emerge. I believe that can result in unnecessary suffering.

However, I do believe in moving forward and moving through. Stuffing stuff and denying have not worked for me.

My memories emerged spontaneously, first as dreams, then as waking flashbacks. What triggered them is being betrayed by a good friend, and getting involved in mentoring boys.

I think this is a highly individual question, so there's probably no one-size answer to it. While I commend your curiousity, dedication to yourself and healing, I would be careful about pushing too hard to get 'the facts'. Can you JUST BE in the uncertainty? (I know this is hard, I struggled with it A LOT and there's probably more to come!).


Techniques that helped me:

1 - Hakomi - an awesome therapeutic technique. Just AWESOME.
2 - Body oriented therapies, both active and passive
Intense Sports, soft massage, etc
3 - Being in a mens' group (check out MKP) and having emotionally authentic experiences there - really FEELING stuff
4 - Making music
5 - Dancing, but not in bars - at conscious events where I could let my body move as it wants to
6 - Yoga meditation and breathwork - Awareness is key. If I can have an experience and witness it without getting too caught up in it, that helps me a lot
7 - Relationships - all kinds - I tend to isolate. Relationship is a GREAT teacher. Listening to my body, learning trust. Sometimes, getting hurt.

Hope this helps.

Cheers
Rising Again

Oh I forgot one more powerful technique. Finding the pain in my body, listening for the pain in my body, trying to locate it, PINPOINT IT,

give it a color, give it a name, name it.... not in my head... just a feeling in my body...

then asking it, what's your story?
what's your story?
i'm curious.
i really want to know.
i want to be well.

and sitting and witnessing with compassion as the pain shifts and what needs to emerge emerges.

This is central to Hakomi as well, a therapist can guide you through this.

Oh I forgot one more powerful technique. Finding the pain in my body, listening for the pain in my body, trying to locate it, PINPOINT IT,

give it a color, give it a name, name it.... not in my head... just a feeling in my body...

then asking it, what's your story?
what's your story?
i'm curious.
i really want to know.
i want to be well.

and sitting and witnessing with compassion as the pain shifts and what needs to emerge emerges.

This is central to Hakomi as well, a therapist can guide you through this.