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#34069 - 01/08/03 02:55 PM Tricks or medications ??
al Offline
Member

Registered: 01/08/03
Posts: 143
Loc: canada
Just want to introduce myself and say hi.

Have major problems sleeping and have allot of daymares, flashbacks, you name it. Have seen docs and therapists but I got to say, they just don't take guys seriously. Any tricks and-or medications anyone can suggest that might help?


_________________________
Those who dance appear insane to those who cannot hear the music. Mark Kleiman

Kites rise highest against the wind, not with it. Winston Churchill

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#34070 - 01/08/03 03:05 PM Re: Tricks or medications ??
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
Sometimes other people think that they can determine what our reality is. If you were abused you are the one who knows it. Anyone who tries to deny it or minimalize it is a dangerous person for you.

Have you ever called a rape crisis center? Usually, these days, a man will be accepted and understood there.

Welcome to MS. I hope you find healing and acceptance here Al.

Bob

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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#34071 - 01/08/03 03:52 PM Re: Tricks or medications ??
al Offline
Member

Registered: 01/08/03
Posts: 143
Loc: canada
WARNING - POSSIBLY SENSATIVE DISCUSSION

What you say is true, but I have stopped bothering trying to find someone 'proffessional' to help me with this, that's why I'm looking for answers on my own. I can't carry the burden all by myself so I'm trying to help myself by talking to people that have been there. Each and every little trick I can pick up gives me that little bit more sleep, rest, oblivion, peace....

Have spoken with rape crisis intervention on at least 3 occasions but I carry the burden of guilt for what happened and am nowhere near to letting it go(long story).

Healing and acceptance - there's a mouthful :rolleyes: Isn't that what we all want? Why is it so unattainable? My last doctor told me I had to want it to achieve it, but I finally decided that HE was the one that was crazy lol. Anyway, I will keep working on it. Thank you for your kind words.

Al

_________________________
Those who dance appear insane to those who cannot hear the music. Mark Kleiman

Kites rise highest against the wind, not with it. Winston Churchill

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#34073 - 01/08/03 08:07 PM Re: Tricks or medications ??
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Al
there is good help out there, a lot of us can testify to that. But it's hard to find, and I know Canada's a big place with not a lot of resources if you're up in the Northern Territories.
I don't know where you are but there is a very strong survivor movement based in Nova Scotia, at Windsor ( it's a one horse town and the horse just left - my brother used to live there )
I haven't got the URL for themat the moment.

But here's the Canadian Government site which has some good resources and links.

The Health Canada National Clearinghouse on Family Violence

http://www.hc-sc.gc.ca/hppb/familyviolence/childsa.htm

Loads of good stuff there, and easy to find your way about and download stuff from.

The other good site is David Baldwins Trauma Information Pages. Mainly information and links for psychologists and other proffesionals, but again loads of interesting reading.

http://www.trauma-pages.com/index.htm

Other than recomending that you find another therapist that knows and deals with abuse, this site is as good as you'll find.

Read some of the old posts, ask what you like. There's some good support here.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#34074 - 01/09/03 12:20 AM Re: Tricks or medications ??
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Hi Al & welcome to MS. I'm not glad for why you're here, but I'm glad you're here; this is a good place to share support.

Medications are tricky. I had to keep trying meds, & doctors, until I finally got it right; and I still have to keep adjusting meds too.

Dont give up on therapy, tho a break from it is always good, and having a competent, understanding therapist is of course vital.

As to flashbacks, here are a few tips off the net:

Coping with Flashbacks
If you are finding flashbacks or intrusive thoughts and images difficult to deal with here are some practical steps to help you deal with and cope a little more effectively.

1. Tell yourself you are having a flashback and that this is okay and very normal in people who were traumatised as children (or as adults).

2. Remind yourself that the worst is over - it happened in the past, but it is not happening now. The' child' inside you who was abused is giving you these memories to use in your healing and, however terrible you feel, you survived the awfulness then, which means you can survive and get through what you are remembering now.

3. Call on the 'adult' part of yourself to tell your 'child' that they are not alone, not in any danger now and that you will help them to get through this. Let your child self know it's okay to remember and to feel what they feel and that this will help them in healing from what had happened to them. However hard it is for you, your “child” is communicating in the only way he or she can.

4. Imagine that the images that you see are on a TV screen. Turn the sound down, turn it up again, turn the TV off so that the images fade away. Remember that you can choose whether to remember and re-feel.

5. Try some of these ways of 'grounding' yourself and becoming more aware of the present:

· stamp your feet; grind them around on the floor to remind yourself where you are now.
· look around the room, noticing the colours, the people, the shapes of things
· listen to the sounds around you: the traffic, voices, the washing machine, etc.
· feel your body, the boundary of your skin, your clothes, the chair or floor supporting you
· have an elastic band to hand (or on your wrist) - you can 'ping' it against your wrist and feel it on your skin - that feeling is in the now, the things you are re-experiencing were in the past.

6. Take care of your breathing: breathe deeply down to your diaphragm; put your hand there just above your navel and breathe so that your hand gets pushed up and down. You can also count - to 5 - as you breathe out and in. When we get scared we breathe too quickly and shallowly and our body begins to panic because we're not getting enough oxygen. This causes dizziness, shakiness and more panic. Breathing slowly and deeply will stop the panic.

7. If you have lost a sense of where you end and the rest of the world begins, rub your body so you can feel its edges, the boundary of you. Wrap yourself in a blanket, feel it around you.

8. Get support if you would like it. Let people close to you know about flashbacks so they can help if you want them to. That might mean holding you, talking to you, helping you to reconnect with the present, to remember you are safe and cared for now

9. Flashbacks are powerful experiences, which drain your energy. Take time to look after yourself when you have had a flashback. You could have a warm, relaxing bath or a sleep, a warm drink, play some soothing music or just take some quiet time for yourself. Your "child”, and you deserve being taken care of, given all you went through in the past.

10. When you feel ready, write down all you remember about the flashback and how you got through it. This will help you to remember information for your healing and to remind you that you did get through it and can again.

11. Remember you are not crazy - flashbacks are normal and you are healing.

Take care Al

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#34075 - 01/09/03 01:08 PM Re: Tricks or medications ??
al Offline
Member

Registered: 01/08/03
Posts: 143
Loc: canada
WARNING – SENSITIVE MATERIAL

Will: I sent a message back to you.

Dave: I will check out the resources/links later on. Thanks it gives me somewhere to start.

Victor: Surprised that you say not to give up on therapy, I guess because I just don’t see the point of it. I’ve never had a therapist that I trust well enough to be completely honest with. Even my s/o doesn’t know allot of the stuff because sometimes I wonder what’s the point in bothering to deal with it. Sorry if I sound fatalistic but there is just so much that went on for so long. I don’t ever remember feeling safe or happy as the physical abuse went on since before I can even remember and to the best of my recollection the sexual abuse started when I was 5 or 6. I am missing allot of time back then (for obvious reasons) so I’m sometimes at a loss. All of the therapists I have seen try to build a bigger picture plan, then just expect me to answer questions and talk it out until I fix myself. Doesn’t work that way. Describing the amount of hate I had when I was getting the crap beat out of me does not make me feel better, it just increases the overwhelming guilt because I wasn’t capable of stopping it from happening. Gee, this is harder to explain than I thought it would be lol.

As far as the flashbacks go, I doubt I will ever be able to control them the way the article says, “remember that you can choose whether to remember and re-feel”.Maybe I can best explain it by describing something that happened often when I was a kid. My dad would lock me in the basement for hours or days at a time. Then he would wait until I was alseep and wake me up by screaming in my face with a flashlight on his face. (To this day, I still don’t go in our basement even though it has windows). He used to grab me by the hair, lift me right off my feet and he would scream names in my face….how do I say this without sounding like I am making this up….days when this happened were good days because he was so disgusted he would usually leave me alone.

Banging my head on the floor was usually my mode of escape. Still is sometimes. Stops the flashbacks dead in there tracks lol. I know it’s wrong and damaging but I have been doing it for so long and I’ve never managed to find something to replace it with. Although have printed a copy of this article and will refer to it when I can, the “grounding” will be hard because sometimes I can’t see colours, hear sounds, or even put a sentence together. They tell me this is dissassociation which I guess is just another coping mechanism.At least it doesn’t cause brain damage lol.

Mattandrew: Yes, I think it is a great site….I suspect I will get more help here than my last 3 years of therapy. Just being able to talk a little without everyone curling their lip or backing away might help (at least I hope nobody’s going to do that lol). As far as sleeping meds go, I have tried many kinds but they only work for so long. I go through spells where I go two or three days with no sleep then I sleep for a whole 24 hours I guess just from exhaustion.

You brought up a good point: the underlying problem. Am going to think about this for a while, as I have no idea what it is….

I guess I’ve talked everyone’s eyes off. Thanks for everyone’s thoughts and welcomes. Strangely, I feel like I’ve come home….

_________________________
Those who dance appear insane to those who cannot hear the music. Mark Kleiman

Kites rise highest against the wind, not with it. Winston Churchill

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#34076 - 01/09/03 01:41 PM Re: Tricks or medications ??
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Al:

"I guess I've talked everyone's eyes off."

Nyuk \:D Nyuk \:D Nyuk \:D

Al, I wouldn't say every male survivor has to have T, and I certainly wouldn't say you do. But good T has helped so many of us. Of course, it is key that you are able to trust a T enuf to be as honest as you can be & need to be with them at any given point; but not all at once, it takes time.

Ultimately of course, we've all gotta live in the now and do whatever will work for us now.

I agree that the things on that list, and other lists you could get, are no cure-all for flashbacks, as I know from experience. But if they or something else you find can help, go for it!

Don't know about banging your head on the floor tho, even tho I do kinda understand it. Tho I'm not a habitual self-injurer, at least not in that way, I've smacked my head into walls before, and there have also been times I've literally punched myself in the face in self-anger & hatred...

Al, I'm really sorry for the hell on earth you've been thru. But you've found a good group of men for support, and I know sharing here will help you.

Brother, you are home! Welcome.

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#34077 - 01/09/03 02:28 PM Re: Tricks or medications ??
michaelb Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/01
Posts: 211
Loc: cincinnati, ohio
Hi Al.....sorry you are here......my experience with rape crisis centers has not been good ......my local group has like 6 groups for women, but none for men....plus men are not allowed in the women's groups because men are the abusers.....good luck getting ant assistance from your local rape crisis center......

I cannot help you with the daytime flashbacks, i have those too......but i was just hospitalized because of horrible dreams and was diagnosed with a low dosage of risperdal......it lets me sleep and dream, but it takes the dreams away from my conscious memory......it only lasts 4-5 hours for me, but considering i had refused to sleep for a couple of weeks because i could not tolerate the new dream i encountered, it has been a life raft for me.....one word of caution, once you wake up, the dreams can return.....one night while i was in the hospital i awoke at 3am and went back to sleep.....BAM!!!!!...the dream was back.......now, when i wake up, i stay awake.....

You might have to see a psychiatrist to be prescribed the drug though, since it is primarily used for people with schizophrenia.......

If i can be of any help at all, please let me know...........michael


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#34078 - 01/09/03 08:12 PM Re: Tricks or medications ??
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Al
the 'grounding' we do when we have flashbacks is so important, and we use so many different ways between us - hopefuly there will be a list of ideas appearing here soon.

One of the things I did, and still do on the bad day's, is just pick up my cell phone and call my wife. Obviously this means my wife knows and understands that I am going through a hard time and she understands why. I'm so lucky that my wife knows absolutely everything and supports me totally.

But when I'm at work and out on my own I can suffer from flashbacks and bad memories, I work in the area where the abuse took place and the abusers still live so it can be tough.
Then I phone, some times I've been too distressed to talk - I just cry into the thing. But she tells me she loves me and things get better, and I call back when I have got myself together.

Just hearing a friendly voice is enough for me, it clears the mind of the shit storm.

it's just one the tricks Al, maybe worth a thought.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#34079 - 01/09/03 09:33 PM Re: Tricks or medications ??
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
Hi Al,

There really is a lot of material on this site. I had to go to the bottom of the main page and click on the site map. Then I snooped around in there and I still find lots of stuff there that helps.

I suspect you know qabout good books. The ones I found especially helpful are:

BETRAYED AS BOYS by Richard Gartner PHD--our Pres.
VICTIMS NO LONGER--By Mike Lew
ABUSED BOYS .....by Mic Hunter

There is some good stuff in the poetry section, and the stories are really helpful. The Male Survivors forums can go back over a year. Reading stories that were similar to mine was a real help. Like you, I had abuse of the physical, emotional and sexual kinds.

Take your time. Check things out. Flashbacks are awful but the more I talked about them and my abuse the less often they came--but I still have them. They are not as bad except at night.

This is a safe place. You will be understood and accepted here.

You have already gotten some good ideas--and reading them has helped me as well. Thanks for being a part of us.

Bob

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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