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#340481 - 09/19/10 05:20 PM The Number
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
I developed an eating disorder a year or two before the assault. It took me a long time to admit that but it did not start after the assault. I ate little - usually one meal a week - and could go two weeks or more without eating. I ran seven miles every day no matter what the weather or my health. I had fainting spells but hid all of this well.

After the assault I debeloped binge eating and then bulimia. I got hooked on laxatives and took things to throw up. But mostly used the laxatives. I spent almost a year with one therapist who got me off them. Except for lapses here and there I do not use them though the thoughts do creep in.

But it is the number. No matter what I weigh that number is on my forehead all the time. Every moment of every day I see it. If I gain a half pound I am depressed and pull back from others. I feel stressed and it is all I can think of. I struggle to distract myself but I see it as I talk to others and do my work. It is there as I try to relax at the house and on weekends. It absolutely drives me nuts at times. And it triggers a self loathing.

The second hospital I was in is world renowned for their ED tract. I was on the edges of it only since it is female oriented. I have found ones that work with males but they are in other states. But one day I would like to give it a try. I think that but not sure either.

I am just tired of this number running my days and a big chunk of my life.

Just had to get this out and look at it from this view.


Daryl

_________________________
Broad statements often miss their true mark.

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#340489 - 09/19/10 07:54 PM Re: The Number [Re: prisonerID]
earlybird Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/10
Posts: 1007
Loc: WA USA
Daryl,

thanks for sharing such an intimate part of your life with us. You have my love and support. Earlybird

_________________________
Balanced (My goal)

There is symmetry
In self-reflection
Life exemplified
Grace personified

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#340495 - 09/19/10 08:40 PM Re: The Number [Re: prisonerID]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
Daryl,

Does this mean you have some unsettled issues from a time prior to the assault?

Allen


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#340498 - 09/19/10 09:03 PM Re: The Number [Re: pufferfish]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
Allen,

That is a good question. My last therapist insisted i look more at my life before the assault. We especially spent time on my family structure. And my role in the family. That was about as much fun as chewing armadillo toe nails.

I had tried to get into better shape and became obsessed. I had an older more athletic and handsome brother. I later saw that I was always in his shadow. For other reasons as well since his activities drew most of the attention of my parents. He was a bully and violent to boot.

I am still trying to sort all that out but had to quit going to therapy due to finances. I honestly thought all my issues stemmed from my assault. It was hard to sit there with my T and go through it and finally admit i was wrong. I still am unsure what to do with it.

Thanks for asking a good question.


D

_________________________
Broad statements often miss their true mark.

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