I was eighteen, few months short of nineteen, when I was assaulted and raped. I had always been athletic and in very good physical shape. I thought I could handle any situation and could to take care of myself in a fight. I was full of youthful pride. I didn’t then and I don’t now see this as the same as being arrogant, I simply was proud of who I was.
Some of you know, and have expressed having similar feelings as I had, that fear was the most overwhelming feeling during the assault/rape. But the second major emotion I was dealing with during the rape, which then became the predominate driving force pushing my actions, was the humiliation. Fear is not what silenced me for twenty years it was the shame and degradation. I just couldn’t bare the idea that others would look at me and “know”. (Something Kevin (sono) said in one of his post that stung like a wasp was “If they only knew….”) I did everything in my power to make sure that would never happen.
Afterwards I struggled with:
I’ve mentioned this before so I hope those who know this about me will forgive me for bringing it up again but I feel it is important. The most degrading moment was when I ejaculated prior to the rape. I was horrified. I couldn’t make sense of it. These men use my body’s reaction to both justify their actions and to hold me in silence.
I would love to say that I have conquered my negative feelings around being disgrace. At times I think I have then a moment will come, like yesterday, and a flash of self humiliation stifles me. When I ask myself why I held back and went silent, as I found myself doing Friday, it almost always boils down to humiliation.
Balanced (My goal)
There is symmetry