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#34036 - 01/05/06 10:33 PM Eternal childhood
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Like it or not, I am the eternal child, hurt in his existence, still acting like a boy.

Yes, I can act like a man, but people love my boyish things that I do, I dont.

An example is when I went into the supermarket, and went to the checkout, I pulled out a banknote which was wrapped around a coin, to stop it coming out of my pocket.

As I passed it over, the woman said to me, look at the state of that banknote, then she said, "what a boy thing to do", I responded, that is what makes women love us.

I was quite amused, as she made me laugh, but it is how I am.

The trouble is, that the boy personality, is very strong in me, maybe because he was so hurt, and he never wants to let go, like the hurt is his old friend and travelling companion.

I always thank him for getting me through, and promise to make it up to him someday.

I see kids, with expensive tracksuits, and remember that I never had any clothes, except for hand downs off my older brother, so it made me the cause of laughter at school, because nothing ever fitted me.

When I see kids so happily in abandon, it is beyond me to think of this state, but I guess, I would not trade places with any of them, knowing what I know now.

Life seemed harsh, it is harsh, but somehow we always got through.

I wish I had tackled this problem in my teens, but had no way to do it, due to having to work etc., but none of us should have had to, we should be compensated for abuse, and given the best treatment free, and free drugs.

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#34037 - 01/05/06 11:18 PM Re: Eternal childhood
Dewey2k Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/22/05
Posts: 3069
Ste,

Something I'm trying to do when I get the chance is let Little D come out and play every now and then.

I have some colored pencils and a sketch pad- I used to love to draw when I was a kid. I was never any good at it, though, but that doesn't matter. I'm reading favorite books I had as a kid, eating old favorite foods... doing anything I can think of that I used to enjoy as a kid, to let that part of me out, to help him understand that it's safe to be a kid, now that I'm here to protect him.

I wish I could have done something about this years ago, but I didn't realize what had happened. I know now, so now is when I have to deal.

There are my thoughts, for what they're worth.


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#34038 - 01/05/06 11:28 PM Re: Eternal childhood
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Dewey,

I have got a big chest full of paint and stuff to work with, but I never get down to relaxing these days.

I have done some painting, but need to do some more, maybe in the spring, and let his creative side come out.

It is good to get the creative side going, and see what expression comes out, I live by the sea, so there is plenty of scope for me there.

take care,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#34039 - 01/05/06 11:30 PM Re: Eternal childhood
Andrew Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/25/03
Posts: 1192
Ste,
I think there is a part of us that never grows up and remains a child, this is probably true of non abused people too. I know I just love running and jumping into piles of raked leaves in the autumn.
It gives me great delight, and I also like picking up a hockey stick and nearly having a heart attack trying to keep up with the 9 yo and 12 yo kids in the neighborhood in a game of road hockey.

I know what you mean about the kids with designer clothes etc. My kids included. Our economy and value system is very different than when I was a kid. I remember my Dad taking us for drives by the airport so we could watch the jet planes land, they were new in those days, that was entertainment for us, and as a special treat,my brother and I would get a bottle of pop and a bag of chips, this happened about once every 5 or 6 weeks and we thought it was awesomely wonderful! This is a far cry from the material world of my own kids! I don't recall that we were less happy because we didn't have MP3 players and Reebok hats. I do remember that all of us kids were more creative with our play time, lots of hide'n go seek and front yard football and building forts.
As I write this I am reminded that my childhood was very normal in many respects, the SA only being a part of it.
Peace, Andrew

_________________________
there is no courage without anxiety

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#34040 - 01/05/06 11:45 PM Re: Eternal childhood
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Andrew,

I guess I am the same, playing ball with the kids takes it out on me, but they say I am still good at curling the ball through the wind, like a skill I never forgot.

There were times in my childhood that were terrific, but also some very sad times, where I did not want to be a boy, no way.

I guess it was all the trouble I caused, even though I never knew how, but I also guess it was being silent that did it for me, I thought my parents were going to send me to a home.

Yes, my dad meant it, even though, I was not so bad as a kid, but seeing what kids go through now, it is not hard to see why, when your parents see you as some kid they once knew, who they lost track of.

I probably looked like something waiting to bubble over, maybe it was like ADHD, I dunno,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#34041 - 01/06/06 03:09 AM Re: Eternal childhood
Dominic Offline
Member

Registered: 02/27/05
Posts: 43
Loc: Dallas
I had to work really hard to get in touch with my little boy. Fear and safety was the big issue. Dewey2k what you said applies for me. It is exactly how I have felt. It was the hardest for me to get in touch with him because he was afraid that it was not safe. One day I felt a strong urge to go and buy some toys. I realizes as a kid I always wanted some play doo and never had it. So I went to the toy store and bought that, and some bubbles, and a couple of other things I can not recall at the moment.

I was very busy but I made my self sit down and play. It was very nuturing to my little boy. It only took a few times doing that and then I had had enough and my recovery went onto the next step. So now I work very hard to be very aware of what my little boy wants. It is important I think to nuture him because of the abuse. It helped me a lot and continues to do so.

It is a great thing to be in touch with him.

_________________________
Dominic

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#34042 - 01/06/06 05:19 AM Re: Eternal childhood
Andrew Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/25/03
Posts: 1192
Quote:
There were times in my childhood that were terrific, but also some very sad times, where I did not want to be a boy, no way.
This resonates with me. I can still remember walking home from work as a 17 yo. I was attending school and living with a family as a boarder and working about 30 - 35 hrs a week at about 95 cents per hour! I remember feeling like a complete wreck. My elbow was broken and hadn't healed properly (my mother had refused to take me to the doctor (I had inconvenienced her by having an accident), I had a bad speech impediment, problems with my lower bowel & stomach and I kept on passing out. I thought I was the ugliest kid alive and that no one would ever want me or be interested in me. To tell the truth, I was sad that no one was looking after me. Dumb for a 17 yo, but I was exhausted and depressed. I dreamed that somehow I would be all grown-up and all that was wrong with me would be cured.

Quote:
I thought my parents were going to send me to a home.
My parents (Mom) were always threatening to throw me out of the house. I never felt secure. Ironically, the school social worker intervened and told me to find somewhere else to live or they would put me into 'care'. So I went to live with a family whose lawn I used to cut and who had befriended me. I was very lucky to know them and they were amazingly good to me. So in the end, my Mom never got the chance to make good on her threats.

Funny thing, over Christmas she was telling stories about me to my nephew's fiancee. The stories were taking huge liberties with the truth and romanticizing so much of what happened. I felt myself getting annoyed, almost verging on anger. Then I looked at the frail little old lady sitting on the couch and just smiled. I decided that she's probably behaving and trying to be the best that she can be. Gawd help us, it really is the best that she can be. And there is nothing I can do to change her. All I can do is change the way I react to her. Peace, Andrew P.S. sorry for rambling on.

_________________________
there is no courage without anxiety

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#34043 - 01/06/06 06:28 AM Re: Eternal childhood
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Andrew and Dominic, I echo your replies, I sure get the same picture when I look at my life.

It is like living in some dream that is not quite real, the boy in me just yearns to be loved, but no way he can let it happen.

I went to the supermarket, and as usual, I went down the aisle of toys and I too was staring at some doh, but it cost too much.

I just thought! What could I do with that!
Then I snapped out of it, and continued shopping.

I guess it is like a strong urge to just want to start life over as a boy again, and learn from that point in time.

What a thought! But I guess maybe it is the best way of tackling it, by going back and making things safe, because I never really can feel safe in my life.

The boy in me, felt that the world was not safe, and he does not think it is right now, with all the things that go on, and thinking he is part of the tragedy of the world.

My mind seems to always dote on the cruelty of people, and how they just take what they can get, and nobody can get in their way of taking it.

I just want the world to be a safe place to live in, where we can be friendly and caring without feeling scared.

Maybe, one day it will happen, I guess not, it was only a dream,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#34044 - 01/06/06 09:03 AM Re: Eternal childhood
Kid A Offline
Member

Registered: 10/17/05
Posts: 85
Sometimes I feel myself hating the boy within me, saying things like, "why were you so weird or get that stupid fake smile off your face," but I'm starting to realize its not his fault. He responded the best way he knew how and it makes me feel so sad when I realize that I'm still being cruel to this scared and helpless little boy inside me. I've made a promise not to be mean to him anymore, but sometimes its hard to break bad habbits. The little boy inside me still has a hard time believing any of this happened. I'm trying hard to show him a goodtime now. I bought a super-high bouncy ball for a quarter today and was tempted to throw it off the top of a tall building, but I think it would have bounced straight back through a starbucks window, leaving the adult me to face a problem he doesn't need right now.


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#34045 - 01/06/06 03:13 PM Re: Eternal childhood
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Kid A,

I grinned with laughter at this, \:\) \:\)

Quote:
I'm trying hard to show him a goodtime now. I bought a super-high bouncy ball for a quarter today and was tempted to throw it off the top of a tall building, but I think it would have bounced straight back through a starbucks window, leaving the adult me to face a problem he doesn't need right now.
I really did need to read that, it made me feel so good.

It is good that you can get the little boy to play inside and free him.

That is the best side of this site, when we start to realise how to play again,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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