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#339704 - 09/06/10 02:25 AM Re: I Have A Question. . . [Re: brother2none]
pufferfish Online   embarrased
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6811
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: brother2none
Regardless of the age I was at any point in time of some abuse happening to me.... age 7, age 14-18, age 20, age 45..... in all instances I froze, and was unable to fight back. This is what sticks out to me, not so much the age.


brother2none

This thing of "freezing" is a typical reaction that guys have to abuse. Sometimes guys will inappropriately feel guilty or shameful because they didn't resist or struggle. But that is really not the right question and it slows down healing.

It is discussed in some of the books on abuse if you wish to read about it.

Allen

pufferfish


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#339949 - 09/09/10 11:34 PM Re: I Have A Question. . . [Re: Marinan]
jls Offline


Registered: 03/06/09
Posts: 1142
Like you it happened to me in my mid teens so I struggle big time with whether I can really call myself a CSA survivor. I think part of the problem we face as survivors of sexual abuse as minor adolescents is that our sexual response to the abuse was more adult-like than child-like, if this makes any sense, even though we were far from being full adults at this age in the emotional and developmental sense, or even physically for that matter. Also, as teens there was nothing we wanted more than to be grown up so we could be free of parental control, etc. That can create the illusion that we were adults engaged in sexual behaviour with other adults when really we were not. Another poster brought up a good point that the abuse itself can change a kid into an adult virtually overnight. It is generally accepted that any serious trauma experienced by a child or adolescent that is left unaddressed results in the young person losing his or her innocence and playfulness and begin to look at the world in a much darker, more serious way, which I can say was and still is the case for me. For instance, my sa experience occurred when I was 16 and living on the streets. After I got out of that situation and tried to return home I simply couldn’t re-adjust to a life of living with parents and going to school. There was a dark reality inside me that didn’t exist beforehand, which made me unable to enjoy the typical rites of passage that teenage kids should, especially when it came to growing into my sexuality. Anyways whether one is a survivor of sexual abuse/assault in childhood, adolescence or adulthood one is not less traumatic than the other since sexual violence is awful for anyone to experience. I just think that we shouldn’t consider minor teenagers adults when they aren’t. After all, we have a legal age of majority for a reason. Just my thoughts. JS

_________________________
Love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world.


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#339956 - 09/10/10 05:53 AM Re: I Have A Question. . . [Re: jls]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
jls -

I think you bring up some interesting points. I totally agree that no matter what the age the abuse/assault is a horrible thing and none less traumatic than the other. Eeach have different issues along with the common ones of all survivors.

I also agree that adolescents abuse/assault brings out a unique set of issues. It is a different perspective than either CSA or ASA. When I began my career I worked with children. I quickly found that is not where my talents were best used. I worked with teens and young adults and was far more confortable. I truly admire those who work with young children for it is a different arena. I can see how being abused/asssaulted as an adolescent would be a different arena. Plus you lived on the streets you said so you would be a notch above maturity wise than most that age.

I think what you are sharing is a valuable perspective to all here.


Daryl

_________________________
Broad statements often miss their true mark.

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#339960 - 09/10/10 06:56 AM Re: I Have A Question. . . [Re: prisonerID]
sono Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/09
Posts: 1069
jls and everyone else,

It is good to see this discussion since I fall into this category as well with the abusive situation gong on for me from 13 to 20. I had not originally considered this forum to be one to which I would naturally belong, but I'm thinking I should reasses that.

The further I get into recovery the more I begin to feel like the age I am...turning off the pause button so to speak, and growing up into my current age. During the abuse I now see myself as having had much more of a child's mind in an adult's body...with all of the attendant physical responses of an adult, but still with the malleability of a child. Tha state which seems easier to understand at 13 remained for me till I was 20. Sorry, I think I've gotten off topic but just got thinking as I was writing but it occurred to me that at 20 I was an adult true, but this weird adult/child as far as it had to do with my perp. So does this end phase of the abuse for me count as abuse as an adult? Not to make it all about me...lol

Kevin

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the family
the perp

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#340009 - 09/10/10 09:23 PM Re: I Have A Question. . . [Re: sono]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
Kevin,

I would say you were an adult during the end years of your abuse even though you were "stuck" in child mode. Interesting how some really good pondering is coming out of this discussion. I think changes of view bring different aspects to one's healing. Just a general statement meant for all of us.


Daryl

_________________________
Broad statements often miss their true mark.

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#340014 - 09/10/10 10:31 PM Re: I Have A Question. . . [Re: sono]
CruxFidelis Offline


Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 486
Loc: NJ
I definitely hear you on how abuse makes us more 'mature' than we ever wanted to be. the line between "boy" and "men" is different in every culture and everyone has rites of passage that define the transition between childhood and adulthood. But in our culture, there are people who never marry and have children until their 40's and adolescence often extends well into peoples' 20's and 30's. The line between "child" and adult" is pretty fuzzy in our culture.

i better stop talking because my braind oesn't work

_________________________
“If a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark.”

- Saint John of the Cross

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#340076 - 09/12/10 12:53 AM Re: I Have A Question. . . [Re: CruxFidelis]
jls Offline


Registered: 03/06/09
Posts: 1142
"The line between "child" and adult" is pretty fuzzy in our culture."


Yes it is, especially when you reach middle age:) Seriously though, it's not lost on me how we come into this world much the same as how we leave, bald, wrinkled and helpless I mean.

_________________________
Love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world.


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#341469 - 10/05/10 11:03 AM Re: I Have A Question. . . [Re: prisonerID]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5940
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Recovery of abuse has only one perspective that ultimately matters, the victim/survivor.

Age is defined as the particular period of life at which a person becomes naturally or conventionally qualified or disqualified for anything: He was over age for military duty. For this, 18 is a solid, meaning inflexible number. A 15 yo is limited by society and general maturity to legally accomplish what an 18 yo has access to because of his "age".

Age is also defined as one of the periods or stages of human life: a person of middle age. This is not so concrete. It can and has been applied to teenagers, as in this quorum, being used to reflect this post and it's theme.

So, while society continues to attempt to classify "sexual abuse victims", we as enlightened individuals have a more noble purpose, to support and share our individual and communicable experiences.

Who is an adult in the case of sexual abuse of a teenager? Let the victim decide, when the victim has all the information.

Our first need is to be supported and validated immediately after abuse, so, Marinan, you are, and you belong, everywhere, in every category, until you decide otherwise.

Try everything.

Recover at your pace,
Sam




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MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#342046 - 10/13/10 07:37 PM Re: I Have A Question. . . [Re: Marinan]
TW16 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 06/11/09
Posts: 157
Loc: Utah
I don't think 15 is considered an adult... but then what is? I wasn't considered as adult until I was 21. Therefore I couldn't even consent to have sex, get married, etc. up until I was twenty-one years old. Otherwise it was still abuse even if I was completely willing.

TW


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#343321 - 10/27/10 07:44 PM Re: I Have A Question. . . [Re: pufferfish]
davidm Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 20
I was 25 and still very much a child. But then, I'd been very ill for many years, and had little contact with the world. I'd just gone into remission, had finally been able to move into my own apartment for the first time, and a few months later BAM.

My former music instructor told me after one of the assaults that he'd "known 12-year-olds who knew more about how the world really works."

That was 25 years ago. I turned 50 last Sunday. On November 6, it will have been precisely 25 years since the first assault.


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