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#339339 - 08/31/10 08:52 PM Is he about to tell me?
WatchandWait Offline


Registered: 08/31/10
Posts: 1
Hi, this is my first time posting here.

I've been involved in a very deep friendship with a man for almost a year now. I love him, and I want to be with him, but while he clearly returns my emotional feelings, he is terrified of having a relationship...with me or with anyone.
I thought he was possibly phobic of relationships, but in the last several months, a death in his family has kicked up some deep family issues. In hearing him speak of these things, and particularly now that I'm focusing more on aspects of his childhood that he previously only glossed over, I've very recently come to the realization that there is possibly abuse in his past. My suspicion is that he either witnessed something, or experienced it first hand. Or both.

This is all quite hazy....it's just that as soon as this possibility dawned on me, it felt undeniably true. My heart has been literally aching ever since this hit me.

Because we are intensely connected emotionally, and I think our connection is the closest he's ever had with anyone (actually, he told me that months ago), he's been opening up to me a lot lately about his feelings surrounding the recent death in the family. When I started to suspect possible abuse, I've been saying to him, repeatedly, almost ad nauseum, that he can tell me anything, that I support and love him unconditionally, that I am always here for him. I even went so far as to say, a few times, that I have this feeling there's something deeper eating at him, something that happened...something a long time ago...something he's never told me. He doesn't deny any of that...just evades it but continues e-mailing around those words. I notice though that at the end of those conversations, he always thanks me for the support, and opens up a tad bit more -- not telling me anything new, but opening up a bit more about what he's feeling emotionally...using more de>

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#339344 - 08/31/10 09:42 PM Re: Is he about to tell me? [Re: WatchandWait]
InsideTheWall Offline


Registered: 01/10/09
Posts: 279
Its quite possible. Its not uncommon for molestation victims to have blacked out memories of childhood, even stretching for years. Alot of my memory is still blacked out.

Its very, very hard for us to break out of the programming abuse casts on us. The only thing I could compare it to is some of the nastiest cult mind control on earth. And by far the most powerful demand of the cult is our silence, which we cannot break for any reason. Even death is much easier. The conditioning is really that powerful, and its not uncommon for someone to develop a rather distant, private, and detached personality as a result.

Eventually though, the programming loses some of its power. In this case, it might have been prompted by the death of his family member. If he seems to hate the deceased, that could mean something. It sounds like he may have chosen you as the person of first reveal, but he wants to test the waters quite a bit before taking a head first plunge. This kind of clinging then pushing away type of behaviour is very common in CSA victims, though its not always as respectful as what you describe. If he's still in this cycle, you have passed so far.

One thing you should know, is that women can be perps too. Its admittedly rare, but it does happen. Regardless of what he told you about the encounter, that may have even been the "reveal" itself. Sometimes these things don't seem harmful unless you experienced them personally. You were very wise not to send back a dismissive response.

If he backs off emotionally after this, that could have been at least part of the reveal. There's no way he would just blurt it all out, and you'll likely never know every detail.



Edited by InsideTheWall (08/31/10 10:03 PM)

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#339425 - 09/01/10 10:34 PM Re: Is he about to tell me? [Re: InsideTheWall]
onlyakid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1552
Loc: New Jersey
Originally Posted By: InsideTheWall

One thing you should know, is that women can be perps too. Its admittedly rare, but it does happen.


Definately happens less often but not rare. Actually it usually goes unreported because a boy having sex with a women is considered by society to be "lucky" and therefore the victim either thinks he is "lucky" or that no one will take him seriously

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"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"


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#339876 - 09/08/10 09:25 PM Re: Is he about to tell me? [Re: onlyakid]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
Sharing the sordid account may be a "test" of sorts...seeing if you will view him as perverted, etc. That's just my two cents. You sound like you are doing a great job so far being understanding.


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